Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

I am not one of the women that have argued with you until now. I only have one question for you. I ask it without judgment or castigation, I only want your sincere prognosis.

What do you think would happen if your wife found out, either from you or in some other way? What do you think she would say or do?

What would you do or say? It's unpredictable and I see no reason to take that chance. But I'll speculate from best to worst:

She would say, oh that's great. I'm happy for you and relieved. Just don't fall in love with her and don't let this affect our marriage in all the other ways that we have it so good. Let me know the next time you are going to see her so I can bake her some cookies to send along with a thank you note. This is the least likely outcome.

She would say, who is this bitch? Tell me right now while you are packing your things because I won't have you living here anymore (as she picks up a frying pan to hit me). I'm going to let everyone know what an asshole you are, blah blah blah. She probably wouldn't go that crazy but some form of this more more likely than the previous example.

So, something in the middle I guess. It must be a woman thing but, I don't understand why so many are encouraging me to tell her. No Fing way am I going to tell her. Again, there is no possible good that can come from that, only bad and it would end my good thing. I'm not doing anything to rock that boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

I am not one of the women that have argued with you until now. I only have one question for you. I ask it without judgment or castigation, I only want your sincere prognosis.

What do you think would happen if your wife found out, either from you or in some other way? What do you think she would say or do?

What would you do or say? It's unpredictable and I see no reason to take that chance. But I'll speculate from best to worst:

She would say, oh that's great. I'm happy for you and relieved. Just don't fall in love with her and don't let this affect our marriage in all the other ways that we have it so good. Let me know the next time you are going to see her so I can bake her some cookies to send along with a thank you note. This is the least likely outcome.

She would say, who is this bitch? Tell me right now while you are packing your things because I won't have you living here anymore (as she picks up a frying pan to hit me). I'm going to let everyone know what an asshole you are, blah blah blah. She probably wouldn't go that crazy but some form of this more more likely than the previous example.

So, something in the middle I guess. It must be a woman thing but, I don't understand why so many are encouraging me to tell her. No Fing way am I going to tell her. Again, there is no possible good that can come from that, only bad and it would end my good thing. I'm not doing anything to rock that boat.

You sound like a dumb sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

I am not one of the women that have argued with you until now. I only have one question for you. I ask it without judgment or castigation, I only want your sincere prognosis.

What do you think would happen if your wife found out, either from you or in some other way? What do you think she would say or do?

What would you do or say? It's unpredictable and I see no reason to take that chance. But I'll speculate from best to worst:

She would say, oh that's great. I'm happy for you and relieved. Just don't fall in love with her and don't let this affect our marriage in all the other ways that we have it so good. Let me know the next time you are going to see her so I can bake her some cookies to send along with a thank you note. This is the least likely outcome.

She would say, who is this bitch? Tell me right now while you are packing your things because I won't have you living here anymore (as she picks up a frying pan to hit me). I'm going to let everyone know what an asshole you are, blah blah blah. She probably wouldn't go that crazy but some form of this more more likely than the previous example.

So, something in the middle I guess. It must be a woman thing but, I don't understand why so many are encouraging me to tell her. No Fing way am I going to tell her. Again, there is no possible good that can come from that, only bad and it would end my good thing. I'm not doing anything to rock that boat.

You sound like a dumb sociopath.

You sound like a stupid biyatch. Feel better now? Go make your husband more miserable than he is already. Insulting me is meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Exactly all of those consequences happened to my cheating ex and I told his AP’s husband as well. BAM! A name will have to come out. It will come out or you will go directly to divorce kind of how closure works in marriage counseling. They make you say who and give spouse opportunity to talk to AP. You wouldn’t do that to your AP (tell her spouse) your wife might not feel the same and want that whore to face the sane things she is going through, not get off easy, unharmed.

Oh now she is a whore? Nice. And what exactly do you think my W is "going through?" She isn't in any kind of pain all through this. She is blissfully unaware and happy I no longer broach the subject of sex.

Yes, any or all of those terrible things could happen to me, if I was dumb enough to get caught. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'll be sure to be ever vigilant and careful.

I am not one of the women that have argued with you until now. I only have one question for you. I ask it without judgment or castigation, I only want your sincere prognosis.

What do you think would happen if your wife found out, either from you or in some other way? What do you think she would say or do?

What would you do or say? It's unpredictable and I see no reason to take that chance. But I'll speculate from best to worst:

She would say, oh that's great. I'm happy for you and relieved. Just don't fall in love with her and don't let this affect our marriage in all the other ways that we have it so good. Let me know the next time you are going to see her so I can bake her some cookies to send along with a thank you note. This is the least likely outcome.

She would say, who is this bitch? Tell me right now while you are packing your things because I won't have you living here anymore (as she picks up a frying pan to hit me). I'm going to let everyone know what an asshole you are, blah blah blah. She probably wouldn't go that crazy but some form of this more more likely than the previous example.

So, something in the middle I guess. It must be a woman thing but, I don't understand why so many are encouraging me to tell her. No Fing way am I going to tell her. Again, there is no possible good that can come from that, only bad and it would end my good thing. I'm not doing anything to rock that boat.

You sound like a dumb sociopath.

You sound like a stupid biyatch. Feel better now? Go make your husband more miserable than he is already. Insulting me is meaningless.

So is posting on this forum, but you've spent a lot of time doing it.

[Anonymous]

Geez, get a room, you two!

[Anonymous]

^ Cheater guy would love that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

It surprises me that this is even a question. The answer is obvious in most cases...the marriage is dead. They don't really care that much. Divorce is inconvenient. If they get caught, many do not care that much and are in marriage where the spouse would look the other way due to image, money, etc. Some people are just stupid but I think most people do it when they no longer care that much about the marriage but divorce seems too difficult. So, they cheat because the marriage is not great anyway and they are too scared or concerned about image to make changes that come with divorce.

[Anonymous]

From the outside looking in, it’s easy to think other marriages are better than yours. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Cheater man better be clearing his history in his browser! It doesn't matter though, it'll come out eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the outside looking in, it’s easy to think other marriages are better than yours. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

You're right -- you don't know which of your neighbors are having relationship troubles. My neighbors had absolutely no idea that we were separating.

And when I talked to people in my new circles of friends about their relationships, they weren't perfect. They had issues. It was clear, however, that they were making an effort. And that lack of affection was not an issue -- or more accurately, it was something they continued to put effort into. So -- I'll tell you this. If you think just because some people you wouldn't expect out there are having troubles with their relationship that it's okay not to put effort into yours, you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the thing. It is realistic. Before we had counseling, got separated, etc ... I was caught up in trying to make the relationship with my wife work that I looked past her lack of effort -- in initimacy, helping around the house, maintaining friendships -- and told myself this was the way it had to be and all marriages were, and if I continued to make the effort at least I was being the good husband. Then one of my friends suggested I do a couple things for myself instead of her -- so I joined a couple of new circles ... and it became evident from the relationships these folks had with their spouses that ... no. This was not the way things had to be. I insisted on counseling, realized that she was unable to put in the effort, and now we're separated. I'm looking for a relationship that's based on *mutual* respect, communication, and affection. Not one way -- I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where the other person didn't care again.

So -- if you care, get your ass into gear. If not, you better hope your spouse doesn't see the light.

But you separated before cheating, right? See, it can be done!

Yep. I'd argue that both the cheater here and the spouses who've decided they no longer need to put in the effort are dealing with things in a way that could cause more problems in the long run. I'm also clearly not going to sit here and tell people they have a moral obligation to save their marriage.

Having said that ... suffering through a sexless, affectionless marriage for a long period of time has caused me to drop judgement I may have once had for a cheating spouse. If you haven't dealt with it you won't understand the mess it causes. It stinks. It hurts. Being supposedly together and alone is so much worse than just being alone. It got to the point where there were days when I didn't want to go home from work to deal with her mess. So it's not that I'm a saint or perfect -- had my circumstances and group of friends been a little different, I may have made different choices and I recognize that. I'm still angry with her and angry with myself for being willing to put up with it for so long.

Yes, yes it does suck to suffer through a marriage that is less than — less than fulfilling sexually or as a partnership or whatever. That, however, is no justification for cheating.

My mama taught me two wrongs don’t make a right.

Good for you. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that we are all human beings -- not robots -- and saddled with the emotional and psychological problems that come along with that. When a person feels hopeless, unwanted, unloved, and a little worthless -- I can understand why mistakes are made. I'm not willing to judge those who for whatever reason don't have the same facilities to handle the issue in the same way I did.

I might even draw an analogy to our current situation. I have associates who are terribly judgemental of others who are asking why we can't go back to work. Like me, these associates are fortunate in that they work for "essential" businesses and can do a fair amount of their work from home. They can not empathize with those who have lost jobs and are hit harder than they are by our current situation. If this goes on long enough and our jobs are impacted? I can guarantee you that about 75% of them will be clamoring to open back up so we can go back to work. They'll be a little more understanding once they're in the same shoes as those who are currently out of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the thing. It is realistic. Before we had counseling, got separated, etc ... I was caught up in trying to make the relationship with my wife work that I looked past her lack of effort -- in initimacy, helping around the house, maintaining friendships -- and told myself this was the way it had to be and all marriages were, and if I continued to make the effort at least I was being the good husband. Then one of my friends suggested I do a couple things for myself instead of her -- so I joined a couple of new circles ... and it became evident from the relationships these folks had with their spouses that ... no. This was not the way things had to be. I insisted on counseling, realized that she was unable to put in the effort, and now we're separated. I'm looking for a relationship that's based on *mutual* respect, communication, and affection. Not one way -- I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where the other person didn't care again.

So -- if you care, get your ass into gear. If not, you better hope your spouse doesn't see the light.

But you separated before cheating, right? See, it can be done!

Yep. I'd argue that both the cheater here and the spouses who've decided they no longer need to put in the effort are dealing with things in a way that could cause more problems in the long run. I'm also clearly not going to sit here and tell people they have a moral obligation to save their marriage.

Having said that ... suffering through a sexless, affectionless marriage for a long period of time has caused me to drop judgement I may have once had for a cheating spouse. If you haven't dealt with it you won't understand the mess it causes. It stinks. It hurts. Being supposedly together and alone is so much worse than just being alone. It got to the point where there were days when I didn't want to go home from work to deal with her mess. So it's not that I'm a saint or perfect -- had my circumstances and group of friends been a little different, I may have made different choices and I recognize that. I'm still angry with her and angry with myself for being willing to put up with it for so long.

Yes, yes it does suck to suffer through a marriage that is less than — less than fulfilling sexually or as a partnership or whatever. That, however, is no justification for cheating.

My mama taught me two wrongs don’t make a right.

Good for you. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that we are all human beings -- not robots -- and saddled with the emotional and psychological problems that come along with that. When a person feels hopeless, unwanted, unloved, and a little worthless -- I can understand why mistakes are made. I'm not willing to judge those who for whatever reason don't have the same facilities to handle the issue in the same way I did.

I might even draw an analogy to our current situation. I have associates who are terribly judgemental of others who are asking why we can't go back to work. Like me, these associates are fortunate in that they work for "essential" businesses and can do a fair amount of their work from home. They can not empathize with those who have lost jobs and are hit harder than they are by our current situation. If this goes on long enough and our jobs are impacted? I can guarantee you that about 75% of them will be clamoring to open back up so we can go back to work. They'll be a little more understanding once they're in the same shoes as those who are currently out of work.

PP to whom you respond. I didn’t have sex with my DH for 2 years. I enjoy sex. I can’t imagine a marital relationship without sex. So, I understand very well the position that the the cheater PPs find themselves in. It’s one thing to make a “mistake” and cheat in response to a sexless marriage. Yes, that happens to some people who lack the skills and resources to negotiate the end of a relationship. That doesn’t make it right.

It’s quite another to insist that that response is correct, predictable and justifiable and to go on and on in that self-righteousness hiding an affair and manipulating a spouse. That doesn’t happen as a result of personal inadequacy. That happens as a result of psychopathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the thing. It is realistic. Before we had counseling, got separated, etc ... I was caught up in trying to make the relationship with my wife work that I looked past her lack of effort -- in initimacy, helping around the house, maintaining friendships -- and told myself this was the way it had to be and all marriages were, and if I continued to make the effort at least I was being the good husband. Then one of my friends suggested I do a couple things for myself instead of her -- so I joined a couple of new circles ... and it became evident from the relationships these folks had with their spouses that ... no. This was not the way things had to be. I insisted on counseling, realized that she was unable to put in the effort, and now we're separated. I'm looking for a relationship that's based on *mutual* respect, communication, and affection. Not one way -- I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where the other person didn't care again.

So -- if you care, get your ass into gear. If not, you better hope your spouse doesn't see the light.

But you separated before cheating, right? See, it can be done!

Yep. I'd argue that both the cheater here and the spouses who've decided they no longer need to put in the effort are dealing with things in a way that could cause more problems in the long run. I'm also clearly not going to sit here and tell people they have a moral obligation to save their marriage.

Having said that ... suffering through a sexless, affectionless marriage for a long period of time has caused me to drop judgement I may have once had for a cheating spouse. If you haven't dealt with it you won't understand the mess it causes. It stinks. It hurts. Being supposedly together and alone is so much worse than just being alone. It got to the point where there were days when I didn't want to go home from work to deal with her mess. So it's not that I'm a saint or perfect -- had my circumstances and group of friends been a little different, I may have made different choices and I recognize that. I'm still angry with her and angry with myself for being willing to put up with it for so long.

Yes, yes it does suck to suffer through a marriage that is less than — less than fulfilling sexually or as a partnership or whatever. That, however, is no justification for cheating.

My mama taught me two wrongs don’t make a right.

Good for you. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that we are all human beings -- not robots -- and saddled with the emotional and psychological problems that come along with that. When a person feels hopeless, unwanted, unloved, and a little worthless -- I can understand why mistakes are made. I'm not willing to judge those who for whatever reason don't have the same facilities to handle the issue in the same way I did.

I might even draw an analogy to our current situation. I have associates who are terribly judgemental of others who are asking why we can't go back to work. Like me, these associates are fortunate in that they work for "essential" businesses and can do a fair amount of their work from home. They can not empathize with those who have lost jobs and are hit harder than they are by our current situation. If this goes on long enough and our jobs are impacted? I can guarantee you that about 75% of them will be clamoring to open back up so we can go back to work. They'll be a little more understanding once they're in the same shoes as those who are currently out of work.

PP to whom you respond. I didn’t have sex with my DH for 2 years. I enjoy sex. I can’t imagine a marital relationship without sex. So, I understand very well the position that the the cheater PPs find themselves in. It’s one thing to make a “mistake” and cheat in response to a sexless marriage. Yes, that happens to some people who lack the skills and resources to negotiate the end of a relationship. That doesn’t make it right.

It’s quite another to insist that that response is correct, predictable and justifiable and to go on and on in that self-righteousness hiding an affair and manipulating a spouse. That doesn’t happen as a result of personal inadequacy. That happens as a result of psychopathy.

If you are married, reject sex, and non-monogamy bothers you... JUST GET A DIVORCE! By not divorcing, this means you want to remain married. And the ONLY WAY that is possible entails the normal libido getting sex elsewhere. So this response IS correct, predictable and justifiable. It would be a psychopathy to expect a normal partner to be celibate just because you aren't interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the thing. It is realistic. Before we had counseling, got separated, etc ... I was caught up in trying to make the relationship with my wife work that I looked past her lack of effort -- in initimacy, helping around the house, maintaining friendships -- and told myself this was the way it had to be and all marriages were, and if I continued to make the effort at least I was being the good husband. Then one of my friends suggested I do a couple things for myself instead of her -- so I joined a couple of new circles ... and it became evident from the relationships these folks had with their spouses that ... no. This was not the way things had to be. I insisted on counseling, realized that she was unable to put in the effort, and now we're separated. I'm looking for a relationship that's based on *mutual* respect, communication, and affection. Not one way -- I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where the other person didn't care again.

So -- if you care, get your ass into gear. If not, you better hope your spouse doesn't see the light.

But you separated before cheating, right? See, it can be done!

Yep. I'd argue that both the cheater here and the spouses who've decided they no longer need to put in the effort are dealing with things in a way that could cause more problems in the long run. I'm also clearly not going to sit here and tell people they have a moral obligation to save their marriage.

Having said that ... suffering through a sexless, affectionless marriage for a long period of time has caused me to drop judgement I may have once had for a cheating spouse. If you haven't dealt with it you won't understand the mess it causes. It stinks. It hurts. Being supposedly together and alone is so much worse than just being alone. It got to the point where there were days when I didn't want to go home from work to deal with her mess. So it's not that I'm a saint or perfect -- had my circumstances and group of friends been a little different, I may have made different choices and I recognize that. I'm still angry with her and angry with myself for being willing to put up with it for so long.

Yes, yes it does suck to suffer through a marriage that is less than — less than fulfilling sexually or as a partnership or whatever. That, however, is no justification for cheating.

My mama taught me two wrongs don’t make a right.

Good for you. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that we are all human beings -- not robots -- and saddled with the emotional and psychological problems that come along with that. When a person feels hopeless, unwanted, unloved, and a little worthless -- I can understand why mistakes are made. I'm not willing to judge those who for whatever reason don't have the same facilities to handle the issue in the same way I did.

I might even draw an analogy to our current situation. I have associates who are terribly judgemental of others who are asking why we can't go back to work. Like me, these associates are fortunate in that they work for "essential" businesses and can do a fair amount of their work from home. They can not empathize with those who have lost jobs and are hit harder than they are by our current situation. If this goes on long enough and our jobs are impacted? I can guarantee you that about 75% of them will be clamoring to open back up so we can go back to work. They'll be a little more understanding once they're in the same shoes as those who are currently out of work.

PP to whom you respond. I didn’t have sex with my DH for 2 years. I enjoy sex. I can’t imagine a marital relationship without sex. So, I understand very well the position that the the cheater PPs find themselves in. It’s one thing to make a “mistake” and cheat in response to a sexless marriage. Yes, that happens to some people who lack the skills and resources to negotiate the end of a relationship. That doesn’t make it right.

It’s quite another to insist that that response is correct, predictable and justifiable and to go on and on in that self-righteousness hiding an affair and manipulating a spouse. That doesn’t happen as a result of personal inadequacy. That happens as a result of psychopathy.

The response may not be correct, but I'd argue that it's predictable and understandable. I think the words I used with my ex when this came to a head were along the lines of "you've rejected my affection and intimacy for over a year. We're not roommates; I need those things in a relationship; if you can't give them to me I *will* look for them elsewhere. We need to see a therapist". At that stage, had she refused to see a therapist, I may have cheated. Instead, we went to a therapist and came to a conclusion that she had become asexual and was no longer interested in intimacy -- and also that what I thought had been that single issue was just one along with many in her treatment of our relationship.

Now ... going on about doing it, not recognizing it for the mistake it is, and exhibiting pride in having done that. That's not right. And because I talked to her directly about it, sought help, and came to the conclusion in (I think) a better way that we were no longer compatible, I can be happier about it.

[Anonymous]

I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.