Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

Anonymous
Please explain to me how you bought this absurdly sized house “because you value your family so much.” You literally posted about having these huge separate spaces for each kid. How is that fostering a relationship or even daily interaction with your kids and between the kids themselves? Isolating them from you and each other is “valuing your family”? You really live on another planet. So gauche.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. You’re getting a lot of grief for living in such a large house...and here’s one more.

I’m spatially challenged and had NO idea how big 15K sq ft was until I looked it up. That’s just...insane.

We would not be friends because:
-I’d wonder how much $$$ you’re giving to charity instead of your mortgage and housekeeper
-why such a big house? What are you compensating for?
-I’d think it’s a huge waste of money and couldn’t get past that. I wouldn’t be jealous, I am more jealous of people who can travel or have multiple homes.


I'm not OP but this is so weird to me. So let's say OP's house cost $7 million. And let's also say that they give $20 million annually to charities. Does that make you like her now? I find it so odd that people care what others do with their money. I find it hard to believe, like some PP posted, that OP is choosing to spend all her money on her house. Generally, people with houses that large have more than enough money so it's not like their sole expense is their mortgage (or even mortgage and housekeeper). Also, PP, exactly what percentage of your income do you give to charity? And is that a question that you ask all potential friends?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It’s not the wealth that would turn me off...it’s the waste. Why on earth would five people need or even want 15000 square feet? That mind set would be off-puttting. Even if I had the money I wouldn’t buy a house that big.


OP, honestly, just consider yourself lucky that the people who are this judgmental are sparing you from having to be friends with them. If someone decides not to hang out with you because they're offended by the size of your house (which is a concept that I just don't understand), then you're better off not being friends with them anyway.
Anonymous
Wow 21 pages on this topic?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why such a big house, OP? Really?

Are you embarrassed of it? Or do you love it?


I love our home, every detail of it. Our old house was fine but pretty cookie cutter without much character. I am not at all embarrassed of my house. We spent much effort making it our own.
I have many friends already, just not new baby mom friends. I felt I missed out the first round because I was a full time working mom back then. I want to go on stroller walks, meet up at the playground, go grab coffee, etc.


Sorry OP, any person who loves every detail of 15K ft2 would not be a friend of mine. :-/ Like PP said, even Kris Jenner has a smaller house.


OP you seem unwilling to engage with any person questioning your ostentatious taste (despite the fact that most on here think your house size is extreme) priorities (a massive multimillion dollar house using large amounts of energy and resources for a measly 5 people and a hired housekeeper but your kids are in public school), or how you handle yourself with less privileged women. Have you not considered these as valid reasons women may not want to be your friend? Frankly, you just sound very unrelatable.


Why should OP have to defend her taste? Maybe you wear a shirt that your friend thinks is hideous. Would you expect that friend to not speak to you anymore? Of course not. All of my friends do things that I wouldn't do. It doesn't mean I'm not friends with them anymore.

Also, I find it downright shocking how many people are questioning OP's decision to send her kids to public school. I send my kids to private school and people love to comment on the private schools threads and say they would never send their kids to private even though they can afford it, yet every single critic on her keeps judging OP for doing just that. Ridiculous.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would have replied that I can't imagine a 15000 sqft house...but some other posters have nicely found listings. We have 2700 sqft for 3 kids. I could imagine adding another 1-2k to eliminate any space constraints, and perhaps another 1k for a large inlaw suite. That gets me to 6k total. I simply can't even fathom living in anything larger than that. I am curious how one lives in that kind of space. Do you use cell phones to call your kids to dinner? Or walk all the way to go get them? Does each kid get 3 rooms - bedroom, office, playroom and 1.5 baths? Does the family ever spend time in the same room? I really am just curious...


i once watched a show on aaron spelling's house the manor which is one of the most expensive properties in the world. his wife was showing it. it had a "gift wrapping room" - a room dedicated to wrapping gifts, you know with ribbons and stuff, like a small michael's store. they also had a storage that looked larger than a costco. it had similar shelves and everything (rows and rows of stuff) was labeled and classified.


For the record, Aaron's Spellings house was 56,000 square feet.
Anonymous
I think most PPs are being ridiculous, especially the arguments about values and how spending money on a large house reflects those values. Each family makes different decisions about how to spend their $$. If OP values a large house, I don't see that as significantly different that spending money on a country club, expensive vacations, private school, nanny with all kids in elementary school, or other luxury items.

OP, I would echo other PPs who say look beyond your house for reasons you don't have friends, or maybe try to look for friends more broadly - you won't get along with everyone just because you are both SAHMs with young kids. I have probably hosted playdates with over 50 families over the past 2.5 years. We have a nice circle of 6-8 families I am now friends with the moms. You just have to keep putting yourself out there to find other parents you get along with.

For example, we have 2 friends with 12,000 sqft houses inside the beltway in Bethesda. Our house is average-sized at 2300 sqft. I reciprocate play dates with both of these families - in fact, I enjoy entertaining, so we host play dates most than they do. That being said, with one of those families, the mother is not interested in being friends and I mostly interact with the nanny. We have 2 kids the same ages, but the mother is clearly living a very different life than me, and we just don't connect. With the other mother, we get along just fine, and try to hang out regularly.



Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Please explain to me how you bought this absurdly sized house “because you value your family so much.” You literally posted about having these huge separate spaces for each kid. How is that fostering a relationship or even daily interaction with your kids and between the kids themselves? Isolating them from you and each other is “valuing your family”? You really live on another planet. So gauche.


So you think there's a correlation to the square footage of a house and the closeness of a family? So my family is going to be closer now that we're living in an apartment waiting for our house to be built than we will be once it's built, since it'll be 4 times the size of our apartment? Or do you think that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to give people their space but also have close relationships with them? You people are stunningly narrow-minded.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think most PPs are being ridiculous, especially the arguments about values and how spending money on a large house reflects those values. Each family makes different decisions about how to spend their $$. If OP values a large house, I don't see that as significantly different that spending money on a country club, expensive vacations, private school, nanny with all kids in elementary school, or other luxury items.

OP, I would echo other PPs who say look beyond your house for reasons you don't have friends, or maybe try to look for friends more broadly - you won't get along with everyone just because you are both SAHMs with young kids. I have probably hosted playdates with over 50 families over the past 2.5 years. We have a nice circle of 6-8 families I am now friends with the moms. You just have to keep putting yourself out there to find other parents you get along with.

For example, we have 2 friends with 12,000 sqft houses inside the beltway in Bethesda. Our house is average-sized at 2300 sqft. I reciprocate play dates with both of these families - in fact, I enjoy entertaining, so we host play dates most than they do. That being said, with one of those families, the mother is not interested in being friends and I mostly interact with the nanny. We have 2 kids the same ages, but the mother is clearly living a very different life than me, and we just don't connect. With the other mother, we get along just fine, and try to hang out regularly.




The thing is -- those things would not be a reflection of what I value. So I am not sure I would have much in common with OP. But you never know I suppose.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. If I like you, and we connect as friends, then I want to hang out with you regardless of what kind of house you have.


Same. Though I can’t imagine how I would meet someone with your kind of wealth. When I was in college I was friends with a very wealthy girl (her parents owned several restaurants in a big city) and the only time our friendship was awkward was when she wanted to go to the big sale at Neiman Marcus and I just couldn’t spend that kind of money, sale or not. Other than that, we had a great time together.


For me, and apparently many others on here, it's not about OPs wealth, specifically. Depending on where you are in the country, a 15,000 sq ft house may be achievable for many PPs here. We just wouldn't choose to spend our money that way. How people choose to spend their money says a lot more to me about them than the fact that they have that money.


As for me, I’m feel that way if you are a judgy byotch.


PP who commented on how I choose to spend my money. Are we supposed to be totally indiscriminate in who we hang out with? How are you supposed to determine who you want to be friends with? Doesn't personal judgment play into every decision we make? Why is "she has good judgment" a complement but "don't be so judgy" a justifiable insult? I choose my friends based on a combination of things, including sense of humor, intellectual awareness, a general values including (but not limited to) our role as stewards of the earth, openness to other cultures and new experiences, etc etc. Sure, I value a tolerance for beliefs other than my own, and I'm open to a good debate and like to think I'm capable of having my mind changed, but I haven't seen anything in these 21 pages -- and I have read every entry! -- that has alerted me to a possible alternative for the scenario OP has laid out that might nudge my thinking on this issue. As I wrote before, in my personal experience, how people send their money has turned out to be a pretty good marker in the longer-term sustainability of our friendship. So I judge people on that.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all. If I like you, and we connect as friends, then I want to hang out with you regardless of what kind of house you have.


Same. Though I can’t imagine how I would meet someone with your kind of wealth. When I was in college I was friends with a very wealthy girl (her parents owned several restaurants in a big city) and the only time our friendship was awkward was when she wanted to go to the big sale at Neiman Marcus and I just couldn’t spend that kind of money, sale or not. Other than that, we had a great time together.


For me, and apparently many others on here, it's not about OPs wealth, specifically. Depending on where you are in the country, a 15,000 sq ft house may be achievable for many PPs here. We just wouldn't choose to spend our money that way. How people choose to spend their money says a lot more to me about them than the fact that they have that money.


As for me, I’m feel that way if you are a judgy byotch.


PP who commented on how I choose to spend my money. Are we supposed to be totally indiscriminate in who we hang out with? How are you supposed to determine who you want to be friends with? Doesn't personal judgment play into every decision we make? Why is "she has good judgment" a complement but "don't be so judgy" a justifiable insult? I choose my friends based on a combination of things, including sense of humor, intellectual awareness, a general values including (but not limited to) our role as stewards of the earth, openness to other cultures and new experiences, etc etc. Sure, I value a tolerance for beliefs other than my own, and I'm open to a good debate and like to think I'm capable of having my mind changed, but I haven't seen anything in these 21 pages -- and I have read every entry! -- that has alerted me to a possible alternative for the scenario OP has laid out that might nudge my thinking on this issue. As I wrote before, in my personal experience, how people send their money has turned out to be a pretty good marker in the longer-term sustainability of our friendship. So I judge people on that.


Obviously we have had different experiences. I certainly don't agree with the way all my friends spend their money, but I have never not been friends with someone because of that. The reason I am friends with people generally includes (1) we are both educated and value education, (2) we like to spend some of our time doing similar things, (3) we have similar relationships with our husbands, (4) we parent our children similarly, and (5) we can both laugh at ourselves. Sure, there are other markers, but those are the ones that most come to mind. In my world, I have never met someone whose house size affected our relationship, whether they chose to live in a tiny house or a huge mansion. Your comment about being stewards of the earth means that obviously you place a higher important on your friends' environmental consciousnesses, and that's fine if you do, I'm just surprised that so many people would be bothered by the size of OP's house. And I think the people who said that OP's house was tacky or gauche or whatever were being rude. You don't need to like something someone else does, but you don't have to be mean about it. That's something I try to impart to my kids, and I'm surprised at how many adults haven't learned that lesson.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please explain to me how you bought this absurdly sized house “because you value your family so much.” You literally posted about having these huge separate spaces for each kid. How is that fostering a relationship or even daily interaction with your kids and between the kids themselves? Isolating them from you and each other is “valuing your family”? You really live on another planet. So gauche.


So you think there's a correlation to the square footage of a house and the closeness of a family? So my family is going to be closer now that we're living in an apartment waiting for our house to be built than we will be once it's built, since it'll be 4 times the size of our apartment? Or do you think that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to give people their space but also have close relationships with them? You people are stunningly narrow-minded.


Yes. I do.
Anonymous
Maybe you should buy a smaller house and set it up for playdates?
Anonymous
How is this not a troll post?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should buy a smaller house and set it up for playdates?


Sorry to clarify, in addition to your regular house. I come from a really wealthy family and my parents live alone in a 6k foot potomac mansion and I'm having a hard time like, envisioning a 15ksqft house.

Like do you live on an estate? I wouldn't write you off because I come from a world close-ish to that world (although I don't live in it now) but even I would be taken aback by a 15k house. I'd probably try to become better friends with you though to score some rich people benefits like how you probably have a pool.
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