Vent: Pregnant and realizing H is a twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

Being a mom is going to be hard for you especially since you've decided you want to divorce your husband and be a single mom. Having someone whose cool with being at 2 am comes in real hndy with a newborn.

That’s cute you think the husband will care about a 2am wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

NP here. Other posters apparently do not get this situation at all. I have been married to someone like this and what you've described sounds a lot like our last couple of years together. For me, leaving was the best decision I ever made. It was not a matter of "working things out" because with someone like this, they've already checked out of the partnership and are focusing on what they want instead of what the relationship needs. At a certain point after you've tried so many times and given so many chances and they STILL are responding like that... you can fairly rule out that it's not because you haven't tried or haven't been clear. If someone tells you that they are prioritizing themselves over the relationship, BELIEVE THEM.

In my case, it freed me up to meet my current DH who is the most supportive, involved, and patient person ever. I didn't have kids with my ex, but I still would have made the decision to leave if I did have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

I’m sorry. Him saying anything remotely like that should have been the straw. I would get out now and try to establish full custody before he gets shamed into signing up for 50% to not look like a deadbeat but then neglects the kids when he has them.

Get out now. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

Who even says something like this to their wife?????? WTAF!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

I am sorry you are in this OP. This is basically my DH but he didn’t say it outright until I spent the last decade raising the kids on my own with his financial support and constantly asking him for more help and more participation. It really hurts to hear someone say they basically don’t respect or value you enough to be in a real parenting partnership.

[Anonymous]

Why did you have him clean at the expense of your night out? Don't be a martyr. Speak up, go out and make him work the next day.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP he sounds like the worst kind of man child. Do you have the kind of job that will support a child? I would be working on an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have him clean at the expense of your night out? Don't be a martyr. Speak up, go out and make him work the next day.

+1. I think you are both making this partnership more difficult than it has to be. He should do better, yes, but I’m sensing a mom-child dynamic and he is probably resentful.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have him clean at the expense of your night out? Don't be a martyr. Speak up, go out and make him work the next day.

I don’t “have” him do anything. I even offered to help multiple times so we’d be finished faster and he told me not to.

No matter what I would have said or done, he would have found a way to get out of spending time with me because he wants to be alone at home to do god knows what.

[Anonymous]

You both need to grow the F up fast before that baby gets here. You both sound emotionally immature. Husband probably has ADD and you are probably Type A w/ a lot of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

Well this was the classic 50s dad, only golf or lions club rather than couch and video games. But yes strong precedent. If OP prioritizes a willing sperm donor, this is a bad plan

[Anonymous]

I would be curious what he’s spending his time doing. On the internet much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

Well this was the classic 50s dad, only golf or lions club rather than couch and video games. But yes strong precedent. If OP prioritizes a willing sperm donor, this is a bad plan

pp, yes I would compare it to something of a 1950s household dynamic. If you already have a child with a person and you want more, it can be easier to stay. This is especially true of you get along with DH but don’t share similar interests. I like DH as a person and we do find time to connect but I had to accept that he’s not coming to the farmers market or the pool or to any kind of event. I stopped waiting for him to come with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

Well this was the classic 50s dad, only golf or lions club rather than couch and video games. But yes strong precedent. If OP prioritizes a willing sperm donor, this is a bad plan

pp, yes I would compare it to something of a 1950s household dynamic. If you already have a child with a person and you want more, it can be easier to stay. This is especially true of you get along with DH but don’t share similar interests. I like DH as a person and we do find time to connect but I had to accept that he’s not coming to the farmers market or the pool or to any kind of event. I stopped waiting for him to come with me.

This is the type of marriage my mom's generation tended to have. They basically lived separate lives and dh brought home the paycheck.