Vent: Pregnant and realizing H is a twit.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why any woman would want to continue a pregnancy with a man she is not committed to. Especially a first child. OP if you are young enough to have more children make a clean break.

[Anonymous]

OP, you yourself are kind of a twit for knowingly conceiving a child with this guy and then deciding it isn't good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it with pp's who knew their husbands were useless after a first baby, and stay to have 2 more kids?! I can't even touch that.

OP don't be them. Your husband is a daily pothead. Idc what anyone says, daily weed use makes people useless. I broke up with a lovely guy (not husband) who smoked weed daily, but was functional, unlike your DH.

Don't know how pregnant you are, but I'd temporarily separate, create a new space (home) now. It might be your current place or another depending on your finances. Leave him to his own devices, including the dogs. He can help himself with therapist support, or go to town being a useless mf. Let him know when doc appts are, and other details pertaining to the pregnancy. That's it. He needs a serious wake up call. You can't facilitate this. He does the work to get his wife and child back while you prepare for the baby. If he steps up, great. If not, at least you have your nest ready for baby. Otherwise, it'll be chaos. Don't listen to the posters who say you're a martyr, controlling, etc. So sorry.

OP. Thanks, this was helpful. I haven’t been back since Saturday and I think I’ll probably move out.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a job? Do you work? You have dogs in a two bedroom apartment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is also terrible about doing things. I like hiking, checking out museums and restaurants, taking the kids out to do kid friendly activities. Not him. He likes to sit in the couch. All day, apparently. And mow the lawn on Sunday.

I just do all the stuff I like to do without him and stopped trying to get him to join in.

Why are you having kids with someone you don't want to be with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

Well this was the classic 50s dad, only golf or lions club rather than couch and video games. But yes strong precedent. If OP prioritizes a willing sperm donor, this is a bad plan

pp, yes I would compare it to something of a 1950s household dynamic. If you already have a child with a person and you want more, it can be easier to stay. This is especially true of you get along with DH but don’t share similar interests. I like DH as a person and we do find time to connect but I had to accept that he’s not coming to the farmers market or the pool or to any kind of event. I stopped waiting for him to come with me.

This is the type of marriage my mom's generation tended to have. They basically lived separate lives and dh brought home the paycheck.

This was my grandmother. She focused on the kids and, once they were out of the house, she got a graduate degree for fun and travelled the world with her girlfriends. I actually think she and my grandfather were very fond of each other but he was a homebody.

This is kind of my DH and I. He's more involved with the kids and I bring home the majority income, but really we like/respect each other as people but have separate interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a job? Do you work? You have dogs in a two bedroom apartment?

So what? I had a infant, and 2 dogs. All better than my DH, and gave me much more support to leave. I did and everything worked out great. It's never the children you regret, if anything that was probably the one good decision. It's almost always the men we marry.

Not a big deal OP. Move out and enjoy your child and it will all fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a job? Do you work? You have dogs in a two bedroom apartment?

So what? I had a infant, and 2 dogs. All better than my DH, and gave me much more support to leave. I did and everything worked out great. It's never the children you regret, if anything that was probably the one good decision. It's almost always the men we marry.

Not a big deal OP. Move out and enjoy your child and it will all fall into place.

OP here. Did you ever remarry? I’d like to think I’ll find someone, even though I know it’ll probably be years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is also terrible about doing things. I like hiking, checking out museums and restaurants, taking the kids out to do kid friendly activities. Not him. He likes to sit in the couch. All day, apparently. And mow the lawn on Sunday.

I just do all the stuff I like to do without him and stopped trying to get him to join in.

While I am 100% team OP I would like to suggest that you find other people to do some of the fun things with. My DH pretended to like those things when we dated. He really didn't and so now I take DD and go with friends! Win win! The partnership probably won't last for other reasons but at least I don't get mad at him because I just make the plans with others and dont invite him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it with pp's who knew their husbands were useless after a first baby, and stay to have 2 more kids?! I can't even touch that.

OP don't be them. Your husband is a daily pothead. Idc what anyone says, daily weed use makes people useless. I broke up with a lovely guy (not husband) who smoked weed daily, but was functional, unlike your DH.

Don't know how pregnant you are, but I'd temporarily separate, create a new space (home) now. It might be your current place or another depending on your finances. Leave him to his own devices, including the dogs. He can help himself with therapist support, or go to town being a useless mf. Let him know when doc appts are, and other details pertaining to the pregnancy. That's it. He needs a serious wake up call. You can't facilitate this. He does the work to get his wife and child back while you prepare for the baby. If he steps up, great. If not, at least you have your nest ready for baby. Otherwise, it'll be chaos. Don't listen to the posters who say you're a martyr, controlling, etc. So sorry.

I think there are plenty of women who want more than one child and do not want to deal with custody issues, blended families, or risk not remarrying and having the children they want. DHs may not share their interests when it comes to free time but they are able to manage their expectations for the sake of building a family with one man. Divorce, coparenting, and blending families is no cakewalk. I can see why many people avoid it, especially in the absence of abuse, addiction, etc.

OP it is not fair that he isn’t prioritizing you right now and you have the right to leave him for this (I agree he is being a twit) but I don’t think this is necessarily the best option for every person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is also terrible about doing things. I like hiking, checking out museums and restaurants, taking the kids out to do kid friendly activities. Not him. He likes to sit in the couch. All day, apparently. And mow the lawn on Sunday.

I just do all the stuff I like to do without him and stopped trying to get him to join in.

While I am 100% team OP I would like to suggest that you find other people to do some of the fun things with. My DH pretended to like those things when we dated. He really didn't and so now I take DD and go with friends! Win win! The partnership probably won't last for other reasons but at least I don't get mad at him because I just make the plans with others and dont invite him.

I actually do have a great group of girlfriends so, honestly, I don’t even mind that we do our own things. I used to feel really resentful and angry that he wasn’t more interested in doing stuff but now it has worked itself out. It does help that we get along well at home.

[Anonymous]

DH is being a huge drag and you deserve better but I think separation and divorce are being discussed prematurely. This is your husband and the father of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is being a huge drag and you deserve better but I think separation and divorce are being discussed prematurely. This is your husband and the father of your child.

She's the one married to him and expecting a child with him. I am sure that OP is well past sick of this guy if she's willing to end it at this point. Give her some credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are hormonal. The only twit is you. You’re welcome.

Hi OP’s husband. Maybe you should dial down on the all nighters on electronics, you are no longer a bro in college.

[Anonymous]

Just writing to commiserate - husband was a different person before I got pregnant, everything went downhill from there. Either he was always an immature faker and I was blind to it (it is possible that I was seeing what I wanted to see) or he changed and regressed once I got pregnant. But now with a baby things have not gotten better. Frustrating because he wanted a baby so badly. I will say, while it’s annoying that your husband takes so long to clean, at least he cleans! Anyway, I’m staring divorce in the face and I have finally gotten over my fear of being a single mother and have started feeling hopeful. I will say, you should wait to see how he ends up being once the baby is born, because that’s not necessarily predictable. If he’s a great father, you dont want to deprive your kid of having two great parents in the same household bc your husband sucked while you were pregnant. In my case, it’s at the point where I think my child will be better not growing up with this as a role model, and I would rather do anything than give my kid the impression that mom thinks dad’s behavior is okay or normal.