Vent: Pregnant and realizing H is a twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you that your husband is being a twit. If this type of behavior keeps up after you have the baby you have to decide if you want to stay with him but have separate interests and do things you like on your own/with kids or leave him.

I wanted more kids and didn’t want to coparent, split time with the kids, or remarry and hope to find someone else who wanted to have kids quickly so I stayed.

We now have 3 kids that I primarily parent and I usually do my own thing on weekends and leave him to sitting on the couch. Once I stopped trying to involve him in my plans my life opened up and I feel I have a lot of freedom. Yes, I wish I had more of a partner but I wanted kids and motherhood more so I figured out a way of dealing with it.

Well this was the classic 50s dad, only golf or lions club rather than couch and video games. But yes strong precedent. If OP prioritizes a willing sperm donor, this is a bad plan

pp, yes I would compare it to something of a 1950s household dynamic. If you already have a child with a person and you want more, it can be easier to stay. This is especially true of you get along with DH but don’t share similar interests. I like DH as a person and we do find time to connect but I had to accept that he’s not coming to the farmers market or the pool or to any kind of event. I stopped waiting for him to come with me.

This is the type of marriage my mom's generation tended to have. They basically lived separate lives and dh brought home the paycheck.

This was my grandmother. She focused on the kids and, once they were out of the house, she got a graduate degree for fun and travelled the world with her girlfriends. I actually think she and my grandfather were very fond of each other but he was a homebody.

[Anonymous]

OP as long as DH makes good money and you are okay with separate lives, that is your best play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as long as DH makes good money and you are okay with separate lives, that is your best play.

I’m not okay with separate lives. I was in a LTR (5 years) before this where we did live completely separate lives and it was awful. I picked my H because we had SO much in common, and he used to be so thoughtful. But lately it feels like he’s realized marriage and family aren’t for him, or at least not with me, which is funny because he’s accused me of not wanting to be with him.

A PP mentioned depression and I do think he may be depressed. He sees a therapist but won’t take medication. I empathize because I’ve struggled with depression as well, but I know from experience that moping around at home all day and playing on your phone until 2am makes it so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP as long as DH makes good money and you are okay with separate lives, that is your best play.

I’m not okay with separate lives. I was in a LTR (5 years) before this where we did live completely separate lives and it was awful. I picked my H because we had SO much in common, and he used to be so thoughtful. But lately it feels like he’s realized marriage and family aren’t for him, or at least not with me, which is funny because he’s accused me of not wanting to be with him.

A PP mentioned depression and I do think he may be depressed. He sees a therapist but won’t take medication. I empathize because I’ve struggled with depression as well, but I know from experience that moping around at home all day and playing on your phone until 2am makes it so much worse.

Then you wait it out and hope he gets better and takes a more active role in family life or you move on. If you do stay, though, I suggest that you don’t hold yourself back from enjoying activities you like just because he doesn’t want to get off the couch.

Personally, I would stay. Especially if I wanted more kids. But I’m also the pp with the 1950’s ish setup and I was ok with doing the brunt of the childcare. If that’s not for you or you’d rather stick to one and DH is not getting any better divorce may be in your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

I mean, he does smoke a lot of weed, and is dream is to do a ton of shrooms. He swears up and down the weed helps give him motivation, but from what I can see, he’s like every other lazy pothead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would start getting your ducks in a row to move on and divorce. He didn’t want marriage, he doesn’t want the baby and he is going to continue to do his own thing. Yeah, you could be more flexible, but it takes two people who care about meeting one another’s needs for flexibility to matter. The real problem here is that he doesn’t care about meeting your needs. He wants to be single, so let him. But get all the child support you are entitled to.

I am sorry OP, but I agree with the above. He used to cook, what about waking up earlier, doing things together? What made you marry him and other than cooking, what’s changed from that man?

[Anonymous]

LOL OP, I could have written this post 10 years ago. I almost thought it was my old post but you've got the dogs. Just commiseration. Also pregnancy seems to soak up all the extra patience that one used to have for their spouse's duncery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

I mean, he does smoke a lot of weed, and is dream is to do a ton of shrooms. He swears up and down the weed helps give him motivation, but from what I can see, he’s like every other lazy pothead.

Wait, you married a pot head and are mad that he doesn’t want to go hiking. I was 100% team you, but now I do not understand your post at all. Unless he was drug free and just became a druggie, you signed up for this mess.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL OP, I could have written this post 10 years ago. I almost thought it was my old post but you've got the dogs. Just commiseration. Also pregnancy seems to soak up all the extra patience that one used to have for their spouse's duncery.

What happened with your H?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

I mean, he does smoke a lot of weed, and is dream is to do a ton of shrooms. He swears up and down the weed helps give him motivation, but from what I can see, he’s like every other lazy pothead.

Wait, you married a pot head and are mad that he doesn’t want to go hiking. I was 100% team you, but now I do not understand your post at all. Unless he was drug free and just became a druggie, you signed up for this mess.!

He’s an avid hiker, which is why we hit it off. We used to go all the time together, and he spends at least 4 weeks a year hiking for his job.

I thought the weed was an occasional thing but it seems to have become an every day thing. I can’t criticize too much as I do enjoy a nightly glass of wine, and I do believe that it helps him in some way. I’m just worried that’s part of what makes him okay with doing nothing, and why he’s always so slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

I mean, he does smoke a lot of weed, and is dream is to do a ton of shrooms. He swears up and down the weed helps give him motivation, but from what I can see, he’s like every other lazy pothead.

Wait, you married a pot head and are mad that he doesn’t want to go hiking. I was 100% team you, but now I do not understand your post at all. Unless he was drug free and just became a druggie, you signed up for this mess.!

So many of the outdoorsy hiker/camper types I know are also stoners.

Although, I’m in my early 30s so I know a lot of people who smoke a little pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think twice about throwing away your non-abusive non-addicted child’s father. He may not be your dream spouse but he is your kid’s dream dad. Sounds like ha can’t cope with not being center of attention/ faulting in some ways but maybe he’s burned out, IDK. But life is long and you may be very glad to be together when jr is 8 and older.

I mean, he does smoke a lot of weed, and is dream is to do a ton of shrooms. He swears up and down the weed helps give him motivation, but from what I can see, he’s like every other lazy pothead.

Wait, you married a pot head and are mad that he doesn’t want to go hiking. I was 100% team you, but now I do not understand your post at all. Unless he was drug free and just became a druggie, you signed up for this mess.!

He’s an avid hiker, which is why we hit it off. We used to go all the time together, and he spends at least 4 weeks a year hiking for his job.

I thought the weed was an occasional thing but it seems to have become an every day thing. I can’t criticize too much as I do enjoy a nightly glass of wine, and I do believe that it helps him in some way. I’m just worried that’s part of what makes him okay with doing nothing, and why he’s always so slow.

Well, to quote some movie, “ You in danger girl!”

[Anonymous]

Share this tread with the DH, so he knows to leave now. He's a lazy twit. okay. But he will be hating life with you. I have no idea what he really is doing, but if this is how you see him, it's bad for you and for him. Let him go, coparent with him, and release yourselves and your child from this disaster.

[Anonymous]

What is it with pp's who knew their husbands were useless after a first baby, and stay to have 2 more kids?! I can't even touch that.

OP don't be them. Your husband is a daily pothead. Idc what anyone says, daily weed use makes people useless. I broke up with a lovely guy (not husband) who smoked weed daily, but was functional, unlike your DH.

Don't know how pregnant you are, but I'd temporarily separate, create a new space (home) now. It might be your current place or another depending on your finances. Leave him to his own devices, including the dogs. He can help himself with therapist support, or go to town being a useless mf. Let him know when doc appts are, and other details pertaining to the pregnancy. That's it. He needs a serious wake up call. You can't facilitate this. He does the work to get his wife and child back while you prepare for the baby. If he steps up, great. If not, at least you have your nest ready for baby. Otherwise, it'll be chaos. Don't listen to the posters who say you're a martyr, controlling, etc. So sorry.