Vent: Pregnant and realizing H is a twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from your initial posts I thought your DH was just really disorganized/ADD/depressed - what with the waiting to start to clean until late afternoon when it made it impossible for you two to have your date. Do you think he has mental health struggles or do you actively think he's structuring his day like that to avoid you? Did you ask him at the time why he needed to clean in the evening and if he was aware that meant you guys couldn't have your evening as planned?

I'm trying to understand how much of this is intentional.

Considering they were previously separated, I’m wondering what work they did to rebuild the relationship before moving back in together and deciding to be a family because, with the follow up posts, his behavior sounds more like he is intentionally avoiding you than unintentionally being an unsupportive husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

This nails it. This is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long have y’all been married and how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

This nails it. This is exactly right.

OP, you really buried the lede here. This isn’t about an annoying DH who isn’t doing his fair share around the house, this is about a couple that was on the verge of divorce and decided to have a child together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

This nails it. This is exactly right.

OP, you really buried the lede here. This isn’t about an annoying DH who isn’t doing his fair share around the house, this is about a couple that was on the verge of divorce and decided to have a child together.

+1

[Anonymous]

So you were having unprotected sex in a marriage that was so bad you moved out shortly after conceiving. And you're shocked that it's not working out this time around? Good luck to this poor kid. Both parents are morons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is also terrible about doing things. I like hiking, checking out museums and restaurants, taking the kids out to do kid friendly activities. Not him. He likes to sit in the couch. All day, apparently. And mow the lawn on Sunday.

I just do all the stuff I like to do without him and stopped trying to get him to join in.

This will likely end in separation. I did the same when we were younger, now the kids are gone, I don't see what is the point of having him. So I told him to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

[Anonymous]

OP you can’t actually be surprised he doesn’t want to hangout and watch movies and go hiking together. Up until recently you didn’t even want to be living together and now you’ve decided to make it work because you got pregnant.

He would rather tune you out and clean the house because he is probably depressed and angry that he feels he is stuck playing house with someone he doesn’t want to be married to.

Your original post is so odd because you are acting like you are in a normal marriage but he isn’t pulling his weight. You are not and you both need to address that head on. You can’t go from being separated to moving back in together and pretend like nothing ever happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

And maybe next time don’t get pregnant while you are separated and considering divorce. In your first post I was team OP but now I think you are both behaving ridiculously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

And maybe next time don’t get pregnant while you are separated and considering divorce. In your first post I was team OP but now I think you are both behaving ridiculously.

I'm not going to be so hasty to judge. I don't think we know OP's age either. Let's say she's 40 and has always wanted a child and had a lot of optimism that DH would work with her to turn things around...I can see it. Would it be less complicated to go the "single mom by choice" route than to have to coparent with a guy like this? Yes, for sure. But it's tough to really get that until you have the baby and do the coparenting. Even so, I would absolutely coparent with a lackluster guy if the alternative was to miss out on being a mom.

To OP I say congrats on your pregnancy, you will be a great mom to that beautiful baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

And maybe next time don’t get pregnant while you are separated and considering divorce. In your first post I was team OP but now I think you are both behaving ridiculously.

This both OP and her husband need to grow up even if they divorce they need to grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

And maybe next time don’t get pregnant while you are separated and considering divorce. In your first post I was team OP but now I think you are both behaving ridiculously.

I'm not going to be so hasty to judge. I don't think we know OP's age either. Let's say she's 40 and has always wanted a child and had a lot of optimism that DH would work with her to turn things around...I can see it. Would it be less complicated to go the "single mom by choice" route than to have to coparent with a guy like this? Yes, for sure. But it's tough to really get that until you have the baby and do the coparenting. Even so, I would absolutely coparent with a lackluster guy if the alternative was to miss out on being a mom.

To OP I say congrats on your pregnancy, you will be a great mom to that beautiful baby.

Thank you I'm not quite 40, but this is likely my only chance for a child, unless I use a donor. Which honestly I don't see as a much better alternative, at least this way I'll get occasional babysitting, ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The initial post made in seem as though OP was previously in a functional relationship that had very recently become fraught. DH, in the initial post sounds disengaged and like he was not prioritizing his wife and might be depressed. He does sound like a twit in that post.

The fact that OP and DH were actually separated until OP found out she was pregnant adds a lot of context. I think he is deliberately making it very clear that he does not want this marriage but is staying because he feels it’s the “right” thing to do.

I don’t think OPs DH is lazy, I think he can’t stand to be around her. If this was the situation from the first post, ultimatums and talking things out might work but DH does not sound like he has any interest in repairing the marriage and desperately wants an excuse to get out.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. I think he does want me around, but he also wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he can't reconcile the two.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I'm working on lining up my ducks, and I have great friends who are very supportive.

Good. You are young. Don't waste your life on somebody who is not motivated to be with you or do things with you.

And maybe next time don’t get pregnant while you are separated and considering divorce. In your first post I was team OP but now I think you are both behaving ridiculously.

I'm not going to be so hasty to judge. I don't think we know OP's age either. Let's say she's 40 and has always wanted a child and had a lot of optimism that DH would work with her to turn things around...I can see it. Would it be less complicated to go the "single mom by choice" route than to have to coparent with a guy like this? Yes, for sure. But it's tough to really get that until you have the baby and do the coparenting. Even so, I would absolutely coparent with a lackluster guy if the alternative was to miss out on being a mom.

To OP I say congrats on your pregnancy, you will be a great mom to that beautiful baby.

Thank you I'm not quite 40, but this is likely my only chance for a child, unless I use a donor. Which honestly I don't see as a much better alternative, at least this way I'll get occasional babysitting, ha.

Maybe he will surprise you and be an interested and involved dad to the baby, or maybe not. Either way, even if you regret the choice of guy, you'll NEVER regret the baby.