Vent: Pregnant and realizing H is a twit.

[Anonymous]

I think people are being needlessly mean. No, it is not “pregnancy hormones” to be disappointed when your spouse blows off plans. I’m not pregnant and I would be annoyed. It’s not sanctimonious or judgmental either. For those saying she needs to communicate—well she did! They talked about going out!

I’m sorry OP. This sucks. I think you should talk to him in a calm moment about what’s going on. Maybe even schedule a couple sessions if marital counseling if you think he’d get defensive or it would be unproductive one on one.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - Super sorry your day didn't go as you expected. I could 100% imagine this happening to me and my DH before we had kids so I empathize. I am writing from the future to tell you harmony is possible. But first, your DH is obviously different than you and you should be careful to not make it your unspoken goal to make him more like you. That will not work and you didn't marry someone like yourself for a reason. He will probably always like sleeping in (mine still does). He will not do chores the way you would do them either. Mine also takes 16000x as long to do anything - grocery shopping even. How does it take 4 hours to grab the weekly list from the store a mile away!? This may get worse when you have the baby and he won't change the diapers (or swaddle or bathe, etc) the way you want him to either. I wanted to control everything about the baby and that is super normal for a first-time mom. I had to learn to let go and I was and still am SO MUCH better off for it.

I want to reiterate the need for communication BEFORE you get upset. I often made the mistake of keeping that frustration inside until it boiled over. You have to learn to identify all of your expectations, parse what is reasonable and then communicate ALL of it. It's can feel awkward at first, but find the words that work for you. In the situation you described, I might suggest that if you reflect and identify you have expectations on WHEN things will get done that you communicate about your plans over time blocks. Not just agreeing on what we will each do, but agreeing on when we will do it. For example "I am going to wake up around X and exercise the dogs so they will be worn out while you clean. When do you think you will start cleaning?." "Then I am going to run errands. I expect to be back around X. When do you think you will be done with cleaning the house so I know when to expect our evening plans to kick off?" The key is to not react, but strategize how you are going to fit it all in TOGETHER. Like I said, do this before you are upset.

I very much suggest clearly identifying who is going to take responsibility for what household chores after the baby comes and how often those should get done... and then for what you DH takes on you have to let go of exactly WHEN and HOW they get done.

[Anonymous]

OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

Being a mom is going to be hard for you especially since you've decided you want to divorce your husband and be a single mom. Having someone whose cool with being at 2 am comes in real hndy with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

I think the pp is being ridiculous. Dealing with lack of sleep because of a newborn is completely different than dealing with it due to a manchild.

OP, I wouldn’t blame you for leaving him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

Being a mom is going to be hard for you especially since you've decided you want to divorce your husband and be a single mom. Having someone whose cool with being at 2 am comes in real hndy with a newborn.

Well. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I see a big difference between a newborn who literally needs me to wake up to survive, and a grown adult who thinks puttering around listening to podcasts all day and night is more important than spending time with his wife.

I’m sorry, but if it currently takes him 12+ hours to clean a 2 bedroom apartment, where one bedroom and bathroom aren’t even used, how the hell is he going to find time to care for a child? More than likely I’ll be doing all the childcare anyway while he’s off smoking weed and playing on his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

Being a mom is going to be hard for you especially since you've decided you want to divorce your husband and be a single mom. Having someone whose cool with being at 2 am comes in real hndy with a newborn.

Well. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I see a big difference between a newborn who literally needs me to wake up to survive, and a grown adult who thinks puttering around listening to podcasts all day and night is more important than spending time with his wife.

I’m sorry, but if it currently takes him 12+ hours to clean a 2 bedroom apartment, where one bedroom and bathroom aren’t even used, how the hell is he going to find time to care for a child? More than likely I’ll be doing all the childcare anyway while he’s off smoking weed and playing on his phone.

I can see why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Would you want to spend time with someone who mocked your interests? Despite what you want to believe you are not blameless here. You both have some work to do if you want this marriage to last. And since you both chose to get pregnant I think you both have an obligation to try to make it work. This means both of you have to give up the childishness of things needing to be your way all the time. For you speciically it sounds like you need to develop some interests away from your husband.

[Anonymous]

I’m siding with OP sorry. Her husband is inconsiderate and lazy living like a bachelor enjoying the solo moments, OP just happens to be his annoying roommate.

OP I know you know and I know it too, this will end in divorce shortly after having the baby. You’ll rise up to it and seem to compromise and be understanding and flexible but his lounging days are gone and he won’t be able to cope.

He sounds like a lazy ass spoiled child and even children want to do fun stuff in a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I ended up leaving for the night.

Honestly this feels like just one more thing in a long history of behavior showing he doesn’t really want marriage/kids/even a committed relationship. He says he does, but then makes it clear he still wants his independence, and it never feels like a real partnership. Like the dinner example, he stopped cooking for me and thinks we should just handle our own dinner separately. Or if he’s going out of town for a week and I can mention that I’d like to spend our last evening together, but he’ll start packing late in the day and take hours, so by the time he’s done it’s way past my bedtime. Which I don’t understand, I would have thought a guy would jump at the chance for sex before leaving.

I was actually planning on separating because he flat out told me that he will always come first, not me or any children we have, but right after I found out I was pregnant. I don’t understand that attitude.

So this just feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s clear he just wants to live his life with me on the side as a convenience.

Maybe he got tired of you complaining about what he made for dinner?


And I don't know you could have stayed up past your bedtime? You do realize once you have a baby your strict bedtime won't be ab;e to be observed anymore right? You go on about him being inflexible, but you've got your own stuff.


That is if you aren't making this all up, which I have to say your last post sniffs like BS.

I’ve never complained, I’m always appreciative. He just has excuses like “I don’t know what you like”. I’m not picky or anything.

I do stay up late for him. I prefer to be in bed by 9 but will stay up to 11-12. I’m not staying up until 2am, which is what he prefers. I can’t function on 4 hours of sleep. Plus, it would be nice if he returned the favor and worked with my schedule once in awhile.

Being a mom is going to be hard for you especially since you've decided you want to divorce your husband and be a single mom. Having someone whose cool with being at 2 am comes in real hndy with a newborn.

Well. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I see a big difference between a newborn who literally needs me to wake up to survive, and a grown adult who thinks puttering around listening to podcasts all day and night is more important than spending time with his wife.

I’m sorry, but if it currently takes him 12+ hours to clean a 2 bedroom apartment, where one bedroom and bathroom aren’t even used, how the hell is he going to find time to care for a child? More than likely I’ll be doing all the childcare anyway while he’s off smoking weed and playing on his phone.

I can see why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Would you want to spend time with someone who mocked your interests? Despite what you want to believe you are not blameless here. You both have some work to do if you want this marriage to last. And since you both chose to get pregnant I think you both have an obligation to try to make it work. This means both of you have to give up the childishness of things needing to be your way all the time. For you speciically it sounds like you need to develop some interests away from your husband.

Oh stop. I don’t mock his interests. And I have my own interests, if he had just said he wanted to do his thing all day, I would have left and done my own thing. But instead we make plans, and then he just does whatever TF he wants.

Same thing happened last weekend. We planned to go out for dinner, and I specifically said to him I wanted to leave before 8. I had to work late, and when I got home around 730, he said he wanted to shower first. And of course it takes him an hour to get ready, so it was close to 9 by the time we got there. I asked what he had been doing the two hours he was home alone and why he couldn’t have gotten ready then, and he didn’t have an answer.

I just don’t get why he makes these plans with me, then does whatever he can to derail them. If he doesn’t want to spend time with me, just say so and I’ll find people who do.

[Anonymous]

How pregnant are you? If this is your first child and you can’t get over all this and forge a healthy relationship I would recommend you terminate and move on. It will be much harder to do that as a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How pregnant are you? If this is your first child and you can’t get over all this and forge a healthy relationship I would recommend you terminate and move on. It will be much harder to do that as a single mom.

F off with this. OP and baby will be fine and probably better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would start getting your ducks in a row to move on and divorce. He didn’t want marriage, he doesn’t want the baby and he is going to continue to do his own thing. Yeah, you could be more flexible, but it takes two people who care about meeting one another’s needs for flexibility to matter. The real problem here is that he doesn’t care about meeting your needs. He wants to be single, so let him. But get all the child support you are entitled to.

[Anonymous]

FYI he doesn’t want sex with you because he thinks your “fat” now.

Definitely ADHD, he was faking during the courtship phase. My DH cleans this way too, listening to a podcast or NPR, but st least does it early without me asking.