Reply to How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, I get it. My situation is a little different, but the underlying problem is the same, in that my circumstances always feel worse off than most of my peers. I am lucky in many ways (including with my wonderful kid) but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel frustrated, especially that I can't give my kid the same opportunities that my friend's kids are getting.

The biggest advice I can give is to steer clear of people who seem to primarily value and talk about material goods and status. What I have learned in the past few years is that even though most if not all of our friends are pretty well off and successful, some of them really value having stuff or having status more than others. And I've learned to just kind of give those folks a wide berth, and also to identify them in my head so that when they say things that can trigger my feelings of comparison or inferiority ("All the public schools here are awful, so glad we decided to go private for middle school"), I can remind myself that this is their value system and I don't have to take it personally. So I don't.

I've also found that even among my friends who have more than me, there are people who envy me. Like I know a number of people who envy my kid specifically, and I get it because she's a pretty special person. A lot of that is just her -- I have to give her credit because she deserves it. But I do sometimes wonder if some of her strong character comes from the way I am raising her, and the fact that I have to get creative when it comes to exposing her to new things and encouraging her interests, because I can't just pull out a credit card at every turn like most of my friends can. I think in many ways that's given her a more interesting and varied life, and that contributes to her being such a thoughtful, interesting person. She is growing up in a home where we have to try and problem solve all the time just to do the things we want, and I think that's benefitting her in the long run in a way that trips to Disneyland or being enrolled in every activity under the sun would not.

Pay attention to when people seem to envy you. I bet you have friends in bad marriages who envy your divorce and the fact that you have more independence in the way you parent, for instance. I bet you have friends with two kids who envy that you just have one. People might not envy your apartment, but remember that often their big new houses are something they focus on and brag about to cover up for some other disappointments.

People say comparison is the thief of joy, and while it can be, I also think it's inevitable. But don't tilt the scales. Yes, having money and a partner can be great. But they aren't the only things that make life worth living, by a long shot. If you're going to compare, don't just look at the metrics that make you feel bad. Look at where you're succeeding, too. [/quote]

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