I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attended by eldest's HS graduation but did not let my daughter know it. Watched her walk and then left. Wife flipped out that daughter only had one ticket to spare, so she managed to find another one and then made me send both tickets back to show that daughter could have gotten two.

Wife refuses to consider the idea that we are not a unit in every single thing we (or I) do.

I look at photos of daughter graduating and I can see the heartbreak in her face and the forced smiles.

I hope she and God can forgive me.

Leave God out of this.

Your wife is a psychopath. And you must have mental issues otherwise you wouldn’t have married her. Work on yourself first.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little worried about your mental health. Fix that. Just in case:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

1-800-273-8255

[Anonymous]

Think if it this way: your current wife is an adult and can fend for herself.

Your kids are children, albeit not toddlers, but still children.

If you have to choose, who deserves your protection, love and attention more? Your children, of course.

Time to separate from your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Request family therapy for just yourself and the kids. You can do this request via the courts if your XW will not agree. Do not request a change in visitation. You are not there yet.

Visitation (custody) is not possible or desirable for reasons, but I'm being talked out of stuff like meeting them in the park for a chat or going for a drive or having lunch.

I cannot emphasize enough how involved I used to me in their lives. I feel like a monster the more I think about this.

You’re not ready for that either. I’m not even sure you are ready for family therapy since you are convinced this is all your new wife’s fault. You will never get your kids to trust you if you don’t own up to your share of responsibility for the estrangement, throwing out photos, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are always blaming someone else for your problems. Your kids "let something slip out to their mother that was damaging to you" in your court case? How about whatever action you had done was the thing that caused the damage? You should not be doing things your kids can't divulge to their mother. You can't get custody for "reasons." WTF.

"Spies"? What are you hiding? Why are you living in a way that you need to hide? Why is none of it ever your fault and why are you so fragile that seeing your own kids is a danger?

To be honest, you don't need family therapy with your kids yet. You need personal therapy and to work on yourself, so that you can be in a good place when you stroll back into their lives and pick up your role as their father. You are not in a good place now. if you walk back into their lives just to crush them again soon in a new and horrible way, I don't know which is the more damaging to them.

The new wife sounds like a disaster

What I intended was that the kids did share some information that hurt me after I asked them not to, to respect my privacy and new life, etc. - but that inevitably stuff came out that blew back at me. It frustrated me at the time but infuriated my wife who saw it is deliberate. I tend to think it was more venting and innocent combined with a little manipulation from the ex. Probably standard. I did not mean to blame them per se.

Custody would be wholly impractical because of housing limitations, distance from school, commuting issues, re-combining households, etc. I'm just being pragmatic. I would like to see and communicate with my kids though.

I FULLY realize the more I talk this out that I have screwed up what was a beautiful life.

OP, there is nothing you should have been asking your kids to keep from their other parent!

[Anonymous]

Send this thread to your kids. Leave this woman. You are a Christian and you are reaping what you sowed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Example: kid 2 dropped off a note in my mailbox. That resulted in a 30 minute fight about her daring to break federal law, invade our privacy by seeing our mail, and violating a request that she not come by the house. So I duly sent a message thanking her for the note but reminding her to please not come by unannounced.

Then a few weeks later kids dropped off flowers and a note for my birthday and wife wigged out, against for "violating" our privacy, refusing to honor the request not to come by unannounced, etc. Meanwhile I broke down in tears at the idea that they brought me flowers after everything that happened.

Your wife is insane!

OP is insane!

I refuse to absolve him of blame. He just sits by while wife #2 attacks his children! WTF? You threw away their pictures????

OP, your wife sounds like a one person evil cult. Read some books about cults, make a plan and get the F out!

[Anonymous]

New poster. Reading these tales about the control being exerted by wife #2, I would assume that OP is a troll. However, one of my aunts is in a marriage with the same kind of dynamic, and it caused her to cut off contact with her son, who was college-aged at the time. Like your child, my cousin has tried repeatedly, in very respectful, appropriate ways, to restore a relationship with his mother. My aunt, at the behest of her husband, has repeatedly lashed out at him, claiming that his letters are a breach of her privacy.

OP, my cousin is now middle-aged with a healthy marriage and child of his own, but I cannot emphasize enough how emotionally damaging it has been for him to be rejected (and in a sense, vilified) by his own mother. You sound very focused on your feelings--YOUR emotional health, and YOUR marriage. That's normal, but as a parent, you have a duty to prioritize your kids' needs. What do you think the estrangement from your kids is doing to them?

Let me be frank: You are in an abusive marriage. Your wife wants you to believe that you are too physically and emotionally fragile to function without her, and she is isolating you from your children to perpetuate your dependence on her. In usurping control over your life, she has caused you to lose faith in your own capacity to cope, which is furthering your sense of fragility.

OP, are you in therapy right now? That would be your first step. You owe it to your kids and to yourself to restore your relationship with them, but first you have to address your marriage and your find a sense of personal responsibility and power.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line, you always choose whatever is the most comfortable for you, regardless of the effect on your children. You have allowed your wife to call the shots with your children so that you could avoid the discomfort of arguing with her. Then, to make yourself comfortable with the harm your choice inflicted on your children, you told yourself that you are your wife's victim and you were manipulated. It is time that you prioritized your children above your own immediate comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Example: kid 2 dropped off a note in my mailbox. That resulted in a 30 minute fight about her daring to break federal law, invade our privacy by seeing our mail, and violating a request that she not come by the house. So I duly sent a message thanking her for the note but reminding her to please not come by unannounced.

Then a few weeks later kids dropped off flowers and a note for my birthday and wife wigged out, against for "violating" our privacy, refusing to honor the request not to come by unannounced, etc. Meanwhile I broke down in tears at the idea that they brought me flowers after everything that happened.

Your wife is insane!

OP is insane!

I refuse to absolve him of blame. He just sits by while wife #2 attacks his children! WTF? You threw away their pictures????

OP, your wife sounds like a one person evil cult. Read some books about cults, make a plan and get the F out!

OP's problem is that he refuses to accept any responsibility. "My wife said" and "my wife did" and "my child did" and nothing seems to be OP's fault at all. OP needs to own up to the decisions HE made and do what he knows is right - establish boundaries with his wife, whatever that means for his relationship, and begin to rebuilt the relationship with his kids, if they are willing.

[Anonymous]

OP asked his CHILDREN not to come to his house. Wow.

[Anonymous]

OP surely you can't be THIS much of a tool. Get your act together and be a parent to your children. I think you caused a lot of damage already but hopefully you can mend it.

[Anonymous]

Do your wife’s children live with you?

Does your wife work?

Do you have anywhere you can go to clear your head and gain some perspective? Maybe your parents house? Coronavirus is a great excuse to isolate yourself for a week or 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Example: kid 2 dropped off a note in my mailbox. That resulted in a 30 minute fight about her daring to break federal law, invade our privacy by seeing our mail, and violating a request that she not come by the house. So I duly sent a message thanking her for the note but reminding her to please not come by unannounced.

Then a few weeks later kids dropped off flowers and a note for my birthday and wife wigged out, against for "violating" our privacy, refusing to honor the request not to come by unannounced, etc. Meanwhile I broke down in tears at the idea that they brought me flowers after everything that happened.

Holy shit, dude. Holy shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Example: kid 2 dropped off a note in my mailbox. That resulted in a 30 minute fight about her daring to break federal law, invade our privacy by seeing our mail, and violating a request that she not come by the house. So I duly sent a message thanking her for the note but reminding her to please not come by unannounced.

Then a few weeks later kids dropped off flowers and a note for my birthday and wife wigged out, against for "violating" our privacy, refusing to honor the request not to come by unannounced, etc. Meanwhile I broke down in tears at the idea that they brought me flowers after everything that happened.

Your wife is insane!

Oh and he's not? I'd never ever ever let someone treat my children that way.
OP, you suck. Grow a pair.