I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want us to tell you? That you're a bad father who abandoned his kids to please his wife? You already know this. "My wife is manipulative, she persuaded me, she told me, blah blah blah". Is nothing every your fault? You allowed it to happen and are allowing it to continue. Stop blaming it on your wife. Own it. Now what?

I'm seeking perspective - desperately. I'm essentially a shut-in and have no one to talk to about these things but am starting to feel like I made a GIANT error.

It's just so confusing because while all this is happening she'll spend hours researching how to support my health and figuring out protocols to keep me going. In that sense she is incredibly caring and supportive and she knew I had issues when we met.

Don't stress out trying to make decisions right now but do take a first step. Make an appointment to see a therapist on your own. You need to talk to someone privately to work through all these things so you are clear about what you need to do. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't have time to read the entire thread but the bits I did read make me scratch my head. Ignore all that bible nonsense.

Look. The parent and his/her children is a primary, unshakeable, unchangeable relationship. Spouses come and go, I don't care what god says. Your children are always there and there is nothing any of you can do to stop being parent and child. So, your relationship with your children is yours and yours alone. Your current wife (not their mother) is not a part of this relationship and she should not be allowed any input into it whatsoever. It is not her business at all.

You can talk to your children. You can see your children. You can do whatever you want with your children. It is not your wife's place to even have an opinion on this, much less "allow" or "not allow" you to do this. I can't believe you're taking a non-relative's opinion into account.

[Anonymous]

You're not the only father who has dealt with this, OP. See this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Prodigal-Father-Reuniting-Fathers-Children/dp/0517706172

[Anonymous]

Your employer may have Employee Assistance and usually at least a few emergency sessions are covered. You should check in on that and use it if offered

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

[Anonymous]

^ that got cut off. I meant to say I wish my parents were younger as it would be easier to show up and tell them I am an utter failure. I can never replicate my job and his is the worst economy for quitting in my lifetime.

[Anonymous]

It is doubtful that you have seriously damaged your kids lives. They may even become more resilient because of all this.

If you continue to keep them at a distance, you may miss out on being a father and also a grandfather.

If you stay with your wife, and nothing changes, you will only have SSI, when you retire. Who will care for you if something happens to your wife? The investment you make in your kids now may influence how much help you receive from them when you are older.

There is a good book about a man who became homeless called Breakfast at Sally’s. He eventually turned his life around and improved his relationship with his children.

It is not too late to make a change now but someday it may be too late to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

I want to reach out every day.

I want to send them every photo I have of us together smiling and laughing - that's all we did.

I want to embrace them.

Wife says its weird and I should not be "chasing" my children, especially now at their (upper teen) ages. She got really heated the other day and accused me of wanting a sick, romantic-like relationship with them. I am also trying to be respectful of the deep harm I have caused them and I know their relationship with me was a huge issue in their therapy. I don't want to just force my way back in.

I honestly pray that no one reading this ever makes the same mistake that I did. I had a lot of shitty things happen to me external to this but looking back I simply do not understand how I let things get to this point or let myself be persuaded to treat them this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

I want to reach out every day.

I want to send them every photo I have of us together smiling and laughing - that's all we did.

I want to embrace them.

Wife says its weird and I should not be "chasing" my children, especially now at their (upper teen) ages. She got really heated the other day and accused me of wanting a sick, romantic-like relationship with them. I am also trying to be respectful of the deep harm I have caused them and I know their relationship with me was a huge issue in their therapy. I don't want to just force my way back in.

I honestly pray that no one reading this ever makes the same mistake that I did. I had a lot of shitty things happen to me external to this but looking back I simply do not understand how I let things get to this point or let myself be persuaded to treat them this way.

Your wife will react this way to you having any sort of relationship with anyone - your children, your parents, your friends. You will have no one and nothing for as long as you are with her. She knows that she can only hold on to you if she is able to isolate you and convince you that you can't live without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

I want to reach out every day.

I want to send them every photo I have of us together smiling and laughing - that's all we did.

I want to embrace them.

Wife says its weird and I should not be "chasing" my children, especially now at their (upper teen) ages. She got really heated the other day and accused me of wanting a sick, romantic-like relationship with them. I am also trying to be respectful of the deep harm I have caused them and I know their relationship with me was a huge issue in their therapy. I don't want to just force my way back in.

I honestly pray that no one reading this ever makes the same mistake that I did. I had a lot of shitty things happen to me external to this but looking back I simply do not understand how I let things get to this point or let myself be persuaded to treat them this way.

Your wife will react this way to you having any sort of relationship with anyone - your children, your parents, your friends. You will have no one and nothing for as long as you are with her. She knows that she can only hold on to you if she is able to isolate you and convince you that you can't live without her.

I've wondered about this...she got ultra pissy on Easter when I called my parents. I took the call outside because I wanted to talk about the kids and she took it as an insult that I did not want her overhearing, that I did not want to give her the chance to say hello to my parents, etc. Sent me a storm of angry texts about it. She also keeps insisting that my parents talk to my ex. I don't think they do, and at this point, I'd no longer be upset about it. We were married a long time and she was truly the daughter my mother never had, and she sent thoughtful gifts, would call, etc.

It would almost be impossible for me to be more isolated that I am now. Part of that is my health...I just don't have it in me. But I wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

I want to reach out every day.

I want to send them every photo I have of us together smiling and laughing - that's all we did.

I want to embrace them.

Wife says its weird and I should not be "chasing" my children, especially now at their (upper teen) ages. She got really heated the other day and accused me of wanting a sick, romantic-like relationship with them. I am also trying to be respectful of the deep harm I have caused them and I know their relationship with me was a huge issue in their therapy. I don't want to just force my way back in.

I honestly pray that no one reading this ever makes the same mistake that I did. I had a lot of shitty things happen to me external to this but looking back I simply do not understand how I let things get to this point or let myself be persuaded to treat them this way.

Your wife will react this way to you having any sort of relationship with anyone - your children, your parents, your friends. You will have no one and nothing for as long as you are with her. She knows that she can only hold on to you if she is able to isolate you and convince you that you can't live without her.

I've wondered about this...she got ultra pissy on Easter when I called my parents. I took the call outside because I wanted to talk about the kids and she took it as an insult that I did not want her overhearing, that I did not want to give her the chance to say hello to my parents, etc. Sent me a storm of angry texts about it. She also keeps insisting that my parents talk to my ex. I don't think they do, and at this point, I'd no longer be upset about it. We were married a long time and she was truly the daughter my mother never had, and she sent thoughtful gifts, would call, etc.

It would almost be impossible for me to be more isolated that I am now. Part of that is my health...I just don't have it in me. But I wonder.

Your parents are allowed to talk to the mother of their grandchildren or anyone else on this earth that they choose to talk to. Your wife doesn't get any sort of say into their lives. Nor should she have had a say in your relationship with your children. You have a list of excuses but I think you know they are just excuses. Your wife is doing and saying these things because you allow it. You avoid the conflict because it's easier for you to give in. These are the unfortunately consequences of your choices and only you have the power to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you’re in an abusive relationship and the woman only controlling your every move. You have to leave. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but if you stay it is your fault, not hers. She won’t change. So, if you stay, you are choosing her over your children. I wouldn’t put too much stock on how quickly they respond to your texts or emails. I think this is a very sad situation and you should reflect on building up your own mental strength and courage and get out. Make a list of the reasons why you should leave versus the reasons why you would stay. You have only one life. Don’t waste precious time in this situation anymore. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship.

I'm already financially ruined so I don't know if it matters anymore. Mentally I am a shambles.

One of my kids texted back a couple times - don't know if I got a response to my email because I have not yet been informed by the Keeper Of The Account. She was SUPER pissed with the email I sent and has barely said a word to me in two days. But I hear a lot of singing so many bipolar is in full effect. I don't know anymore.

Look I know it's hard to get out if the fog of abuse but there's no reason why you can't create your own email account to contact your kids. O know it's hard to divorce or separate right now but you can take some positive steps now and try to get ready to divorce and to rebuild the relationship with your children. Your wife can be mad at you but know that there's nothing wrong with a father communicating with his kids especially during a pandemic

I want to reach out every day.

I want to send them every photo I have of us together smiling and laughing - that's all we did.

I want to embrace them.

Wife says its weird and I should not be "chasing" my children, especially now at their (upper teen) ages. She got really heated the other day and accused me of wanting a sick, romantic-like relationship with them. I am also trying to be respectful of the deep harm I have caused them and I know their relationship with me was a huge issue in their therapy. I don't want to just force my way back in.

I honestly pray that no one reading this ever makes the same mistake that I did. I had a lot of shitty things happen to me external to this but looking back I simply do not understand how I let things get to this point or let myself be persuaded to treat them this way.

So why don't you just do that instead of posting here
I mean obviously you have some covert way of being online and posting over and over on this thread that your wife has not discovered so use this same covert method to send them an email or a text.

You don't really want to fix your issue. You just want to complain about it and then tell your kids in a whiny voice that you tried but you couldn't because of your mean wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, we all feel bad about this situation that you have allowed to develop, but come on already . . . it continues to happen because you allow it to happen. Your wife is a total bitcx and cares only about herself. She cares for you to the extent she puppets and controls you. Get away from her. You are the only one that can make that happen. Stop sharing all the excuses and just DO something!