I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

I called NAMI, got the Virginia line, and spent 55 minutes on the phone with a wonderful woman.

She echoed everything that has been said here: my girls need me, she should not come between us if she loved me, etc.

So now I am absolutely stuck about when and how to act. I feel like calling and telling her after will absolutely explode everything (my life, health, housing, job, etc) and I am terrified.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is manipulative and abusive in trying to get you to separate from your kids. Get away from her and rebuild your relationship with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a divorce lawyer now. They can advise you on how best to exit the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I "know" I need to get away but I don't know how. Literally.

In doing so I could make all of us homeless. At the worst conceivable time since the Great Depression.

What do I? Leave and go live with my very elderly parents? I can't afford my own place. I'll lose almost everything I own. She'll lose almost everything she owns.

Of course if I get fired or lose pay we're there anyway. perfect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I called NAMI, got the Virginia line, and spent 55 minutes on the phone with a wonderful woman.

She echoed everything that has been said here: my girls need me, she should not come between us if she loved me, etc.

So now I am absolutely stuck about when and how to act. I feel like calling and telling her after will absolutely explode everything (my life, health, housing, job, etc) and I am terrified.

Did NAMI provide any ideas for getting therapy? Because you're not in a good state to take major steps and you need professional help to figure out manageable steps you can start with.
But for example the IRS. With all the craziness they may be too busy to come after you, but if there's any chance they could sieze assets you currently do have you might consider talking to them. Heck, call them anonymously to get a feel for how things could be handled. Anyway, why do you need to get clearance from your wife to talk to your own kids? Oh, you don't. Try doing ONE THING without getting her permission. Call NAMI back and ask them to help you find therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called NAMI, got the Virginia line, and spent 55 minutes on the phone with a wonderful woman.

She echoed everything that has been said here: my girls need me, she should not come between us if she loved me, etc.

So now I am absolutely stuck about when and how to act. I feel like calling and telling her after will absolutely explode everything (my life, health, housing, job, etc) and I am terrified.

Did NAMI provide any ideas for getting therapy? Because you're not in a good state to take major steps and you need professional help to figure out manageable steps you can start with.
But for example the IRS. With all the craziness they may be too busy to come after you, but if there's any chance they could sieze assets you currently do have you might consider talking to them. Heck, call them anonymously to get a feel for how things could be handled. Anyway, why do you need to get clearance from your wife to talk to your own kids? Oh, you don't. Try doing ONE THING without getting her permission. Call NAMI back and ask them to help you find therapy.

She said to take things a step at a time. She said I could keep calling back but did not refer me to therapy per se, which I cannot afford and likely could not even get into right now even if I could.

I know the IRS is putting some enforcement on hold right now, but I owe a LOT so IDK what they will do. And I can't afford a lawyer/EA don't have 8 hours to sit on hold.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the entire thread but this is the perfect and an obvious time for you to call your kids. Call them now! Tell them with Covid you realized how much you love them and would be devastated to lose them and that you want to start talking again. Prepare for them to react poorly but that’s going to be part of the process. Just do it so you can start opening the door a bit.

Your wife throws a fit? Tell her calmly that it is nonnegotiable and just walk away. She can either adjust to the new normal or pack her bags and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a dream about my youngest last night. Had an overwhelming urge to call the kids and just say "I love you" or even leave a voice mail if they didn't answer.

Ran it by the wife and she totally flipped out, said I sounded crazy, the kids would think I was crazy in light of everything that has happened with me telling them to stay away, I was endangering our marriage, I need to leave it in God's hand, etc.

I'm losing my mind.

This woman is a Demon/Antichrist. There is nothing Christian or spiritual or Holy or religious about her. Yes you will look like an idiot but apologize to your ex and your kids. Send an email if you can't face them in person. Even if you have to stay in a rented room just leave, things cannot get worse.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read everything either but I feel so compelled to chime in ---

Leave! leave! This will not get better. Same situation - except I'm your daughter 10-15 years from now! Father's wife has done everything to cut us out of his life - and no one can articulate why. My sister did have trouble with substance abuse years ago, so she uses that on occasion, but other than that, it's "you love them more than me". He's afraid to be alone and she's convinced him that it is God's "requirement" to keep her happy as his "marital duty". (He was not very religious before but now...). Albeit they are older, but same story. Dad was the superdad you describe yourself as well.

Like your situation - sounds like the problem is her jealousy of your ex-wife and the products of that love. It's not a healthy relationship and won't get better - and you'll not only miss out on your kids, but on your grandkids too. And they will bring SO much joy. Healthy relationships are out there. Wish my dad had listened when he would stew about the early signs of all this before their marriage. Now it just is what it is, and it's a sad part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read everything either but I feel so compelled to chime in ---

Leave! leave! This will not get better. Same situation - except I'm your daughter 10-15 years from now! Father's wife has done everything to cut us out of his life - and no one can articulate why. My sister did have trouble with substance abuse years ago, so she uses that on occasion, but other than that, it's "you love them more than me". He's afraid to be alone and she's convinced him that it is God's "requirement" to keep her happy as his "marital duty". (He was not very religious before but now...). Albeit they are older, but same story. Dad was the superdad you describe yourself as well.

Like your situation - sounds like the problem is her jealousy of your ex-wife and the products of that love. It's not a healthy relationship and won't get better - and you'll not only miss out on your kids, but on your grandkids too. And they will bring SO much joy. Healthy relationships are out there. Wish my dad had listened when he would stew about the early signs of all this before their marriage. Now it just is what it is, and it's a sad part of life.

Thank you for your post. I am very sorry about what you went through.

Fear of being alone is a terrible thing and is a huge part of my problems. I have had someone to "handle my shit" and care for me my entire adult life. So I get that. I don't know what the bills are, don't know what gets paid when, can't cook worth a damn, etc. Alone I'd be eating hot dogs and cereal. In many respects I'm a helpless child and I let it happen.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Was working on the email tonight intending to send an Easter message.

She came out to ask what I was doing, I told her, and she said it was a good idea because it might guilt them into apologizing in turn.

...

I said I’m not in it for that - I want to apologize for my behavior.

Then she said she was sure ii would make it something in which I am the victim.

Instead I’m trying to apologize for not being there and including some reminiscing about the good times we used to have. I am very sappy and it is a little dramatic (apologizing for a list of things I was not there to do, for example) - is ghat bad? That’s just my personality. It seems so dry to try and be someone rise.

Also facebook memories are killing me...old spring break photos keep popping up lately and I want to crawl under a rock and die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Was working on the email tonight intending to send an Easter message.

She came out to ask what I was doing, I told her, and she said it was a good idea because it might guilt them into apologizing in turn.

...

I said I’m not in it for that - I want to apologize for my behavior.

Then she said she was sure ii would make it something in which I am the victim.

Instead I’m trying to apologize for not being there and including some reminiscing about the good times we used to have. I am very sappy and it is a little dramatic (apologizing for a list of things I was not there to do, for example) - is ghat bad? That’s just my personality. It seems so dry to try and be someone rise.

Also facebook memories are killing me...old spring break photos keep popping up lately and I want to crawl under a rock and die.

Seems like a bit much to me. I would cut out the list of things you missed-makes you sound overly dramatic, and again making it all about you. Keep it short and simple-let them know you miss them, you are sorry for how you have acted, and when things improve from where we are now with regards to Covid, you'd like to see them. Tell them you love them. I get wanting to "be you", but again-you are making it about you, and not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a dream about my youngest last night. Had an overwhelming urge to call the kids and just say "I love you" or even leave a voice mail if they didn't answer.

Ran it by the wife and she totally flipped out, said I sounded crazy, the kids would think I was crazy in light of everything that has happened with me telling them to stay away, I was endangering our marriage, I need to leave it in God's hand, etc.

I'm losing my mind.

This woman is a Demon/Antichrist. There is nothing Christian or spiritual or Holy or religious about her. Yes you will look like an idiot but apologize to your ex and your kids. Send an email if you can't face them in person. Even if you have to stay in a rented room just leave, things cannot get worse.

The Op is a devil as well.

So after all these long sappy post, he still needs to "run" calliing his kids by his wife? Oh please! He is using his wife as an excuse to be an ass. Nobody is this dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a dream about my youngest last night. Had an overwhelming urge to call the kids and just say "I love you" or even leave a voice mail if they didn't answer.

Ran it by the wife and she totally flipped out, said I sounded crazy, the kids would think I was crazy in light of everything that has happened with me telling them to stay away, I was endangering our marriage, I need to leave it in God's hand, etc.

I'm losing my mind.

This woman is a Demon/Antichrist. There is nothing Christian or spiritual or Holy or religious about her. Yes you will look like an idiot but apologize to your ex and your kids. Send an email if you can't face them in person. Even if you have to stay in a rented room just leave, things cannot get worse.

The Op is a devil as well.

So after all these long sappy post, he still needs to "run" calliing his kids by his wife? Oh please! He is using his wife as an excuse to be an ass. Nobody is this dumb.

:/

Emailed them an apology last night and texted. Based on previous messages from them they are not quite ready to talk, although (through my parents) they have repeatedly expressed their love and said they hope I am well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Was working on the email tonight intending to send an Easter message.

She came out to ask what I was doing, I told her, and she said it was a good idea because it might guilt them into apologizing in turn.

...

I said I’m not in it for that - I want to apologize for my behavior.

Then she said she was sure ii would make it something in which I am the victim.

Instead I’m trying to apologize for not being there and including some reminiscing about the good times we used to have. I am very sappy and it is a little dramatic (apologizing for a list of things I was not there to do, for example) - is ghat bad? That’s just my personality. It seems so dry to try and be someone rise.

Also facebook memories are killing me...old spring break photos keep popping up lately and I want to crawl under a rock and die.

Thanks - that eliminated about 2/3 of the email.

Seems like a bit much to me. I would cut out the list of things you missed-makes you sound overly dramatic, and again making it all about you. Keep it short and simple-let them know you miss them, you are sorry for how you have acted, and when things improve from where we are now with regards to Covid, you'd like to see them. Tell them you love them. I get wanting to "be you", but again-you are making it about you, and not them.