I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Your current wife is crazy. You need to decide if you're going to prioritize your current wife over your kids, or your kids over your current wife.

Your kids CLEARLY want a relationship with you. You are abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want us to tell you? That you're a bad father who abandoned his kids to please his wife? You already know this. "My wife is manipulative, she persuaded me, she told me, blah blah blah". Is nothing every your fault? You allowed it to happen and are allowing it to continue. Stop blaming it on your wife. Own it. Now what?

I'm seeking perspective - desperately. I'm essentially a shut-in and have no one to talk to about these things but am starting to feel like I made a GIANT error.

It's just so confusing because while all this is happening she'll spend hours researching how to support my health and figuring out protocols to keep me going. In that sense she is incredibly caring and supportive and she knew I had issues when we met.

That’s not love. That’s codependency.

[Anonymous]

You are an adult. You have made poor choices in your life, it seems, and need to own up to it. Your relationship with your children are not your wife's business. You don't need her permission to contact them, talk to them, go for a walk, or go out for pizza. Call your children and apologize to them for abandoning them. Call your first wife and do the same. Ask for forgiveness, and tell them you will try to do better. Stay in touch; schedule it into a calendar if you have to. Call/email/meet (well, after the virus thing has passed). Take it one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Look, leaving somebody is hard. But it’s not as hard as living your life knowing you’re a terrible father and you could have done something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you married to this woman?

OMG!

Your ex is protecting your children from their evil stepmother. I can’t believe you don’t see this. Divorce your current wife, she sounds like a piece of work. I bet your “fragile” mental health will improve a LOT! Everytime she quotes scripture to keep you away from your children, is proof that you married the devil’s handmaiden.

Also, just curious, does your wife have children from a previous marriage? Do you have children together?

[Anonymous]

WTF dude.

your Christian wife convinced you to throw out all pics of your children?

Your current wife is a HUGE problem. Please move out NOW and get yourself in a better, stronger place emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of your wife ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your current wife is crazy. You need to decide if you're going to prioritize your current wife over your kids, or your kids over your current wife.

Your kids CLEARLY want a relationship with you. You are abandoning them.

I have heard a 100 variations of Biblical advice that a man and a woman are one, that nothing is to come between them, that I have a new family for which I am responsible, etc.

My poor parents have tried gently to encourage me to reach out and I have - at her suggestion - shut it all down because there is always some variation of "the kids acted up won't own it."

Meanwhile I sneakily look at one of my kid's IGs - the one who was closest to me - and I notice she almost never smiles anymore. Like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want us to tell you? That you're a bad father who abandoned his kids to please his wife? You already know this. "My wife is manipulative, she persuaded me, she told me, blah blah blah". Is nothing every your fault? You allowed it to happen and are allowing it to continue. Stop blaming it on your wife. Own it. Now what?

I'm seeking perspective - desperately. I'm essentially a shut-in and have no one to talk to about these things but am starting to feel like I made a GIANT error.

It's just so confusing because while all this is happening she'll spend hours researching how to support my health and figuring out protocols to keep me going. In that sense she is incredibly caring and supportive and she knew I had issues when we met.

Here's some perspective - yes, you made a giant error. Reach out to your children. Start rebuilding the relationships before it's too late. You're expected to support her and her kids while rejecting yours - how is that fair?

Learn how to say no. It's ok to say no. Your wife says no to you all the time - no I won't get a job, no I won't stop spending all your money on MLMs, no you can't have a relationship with your children while you financially provide for mine. How come it's not ok for you to say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you married to this woman?

OMG!

Your ex is protecting your children from their evil stepmother. I can’t believe you don’t see this. Divorce your current wife, she sounds like a piece of work. I bet your “fragile” mental health will improve a LOT! Everytime she quotes scripture to keep you away from your children, is proof that you married the devil’s handmaiden.

Also, just curious, does your wife have children from a previous marriage? Do you have children together?

She has kids from previous marriage. No kids together.

I have not spoken to my ex in three? years. Only email. For a while when things were heated it made sense but it seems stupid now. It is, however, essentially moot because the kids live with her 100% and she has de facto decisionmaking over everything. I have not met her new husband either, which I would like to do since he is the stepfather to my children. The idea of raising that prospect gives me the willies.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is controlling and manipulative.

Your wife also doesn't sound like much of a Christian. I don't recall there being anything in the Bible about abandoning your children, which is exactly what she wants you to do. I can't imagine she would be ok if you were to tell her she can't see her own kids.

You have an obligation to your kids. If you want to have a relationship with them, that is your decision to make. Your wife can either be a part of that, or not, but she doesn't get to dictate that for you. She knew coming into the marriage that you had kids from a previous marriage. What you've described doesn't sound all that much out of the ordinary for a parent-teenage child relationship following a contentious divorce and a new blended family. It sounds like your kids now want to have a relationship you. If you continue to listen to your wife, you will lose all chance you have of ever being a part of their lives.

If your wife is willing to blow up your marriage over this, then that says a lot about the type of person she is and how she views you and your marriage. Grow a pair and stand up to your wife. There shouldn't even be a question as to whether to fight for your kids, even if it means your marriage to this awful woman ends.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are always blaming someone else for your problems. Your kids "let something slip out to their mother that was damaging to you" in your court case? How about whatever action you had done was the thing that caused the damage? You should not be doing things your kids can't divulge to their mother. You can't get custody for "reasons." WTF.

"Spies"? What are you hiding? Why are you living in a way that you need to hide? Why is none of it ever your fault and why are you so fragile that seeing your own kids is a danger?

To be honest, you don't need family therapy with your kids yet. You need personal therapy and to work on yourself, so that you can be in a good place when you stroll back into their lives and pick up your role as their father. You are not in a good place now. if you walk back into their lives just to crush them again soon in a new and horrible way, I don't know which is the more damaging to them.

The new wife sounds like a disaster

[Anonymous]

Apologies come first. Meeting stepfathers come later. You really need to fine a way to get out of your current relationship. It seems seriously unhealthy. And for the love of god, do not get into another one, until you have figured out how to adult.

[Anonymous]

I attended by eldest's HS graduation but did not let my daughter know it. Watched her walk and then left. Wife flipped out that daughter only had one ticket to spare, so she managed to find another one and then made me send both tickets back to show that daughter could have gotten two.

Wife refuses to consider the idea that we are not a unit in every single thing we (or I) do.

I look at photos of daughter graduating and I can see the heartbreak in her face and the forced smiles.

I hope she and God can forgive me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are always blaming someone else for your problems. Your kids "let something slip out to their mother that was damaging to you" in your court case? How about whatever action you had done was the thing that caused the damage? You should not be doing things your kids can't divulge to their mother. You can't get custody for "reasons." WTF.

"Spies"? What are you hiding? Why are you living in a way that you need to hide? Why is none of it ever your fault and why are you so fragile that seeing your own kids is a danger?

To be honest, you don't need family therapy with your kids yet. You need personal therapy and to work on yourself, so that you can be in a good place when you stroll back into their lives and pick up your role as their father. You are not in a good place now. if you walk back into their lives just to crush them again soon in a new and horrible way, I don't know which is the more damaging to them.

The new wife sounds like a disaster

What I intended was that the kids did share some information that hurt me after I asked them not to, to respect my privacy and new life, etc. - but that inevitably stuff came out that blew back at me. It frustrated me at the time but infuriated my wife who saw it is deliberate. I tend to think it was more venting and innocent combined with a little manipulation from the ex. Probably standard. I did not mean to blame them per se.

Custody would be wholly impractical because of housing limitations, distance from school, commuting issues, re-combining households, etc. I'm just being pragmatic. I would like to see and communicate with my kids though.

I FULLY realize the more I talk this out that I have screwed up what was a beautiful life.