I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives

I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

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03/27/2020 12:02

Subject: I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

quote

Anonymous

I am this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/868490.page so you can see I'm already a basket case with bad judgement and likely a pushover.

Divorced (it was a mistake on my part in hindsight) and kids went back and forth between houses for a while. Ex had some difficulty with that that and it reared its ugly head a few times, and consciously or not engaged in some alienating behavior which was damaging. Kids seemed to be OK but had a harder time adjusting to my house - obviously, because the rules were different and new and step siblings were present. Some rules were not observed, there was sulking, behavioral issues, etc. Some information leaking to mom which was damaging to me...I tend to think it was innocent most of the time, but maybe not.

Child 1 had a mental health crisis a couple years ago while at my place and ended up back at her mom's, where she stayed. Current wife discouraged her return saying it would cause drama, injure my mental/physical health (which are admittedly fragile) etc. So we ended up visiting once in a while but that petered out after she did something typically teen and foolish and her mom and I had a big blowout about it. My wife discouraged further visits and I have not seen her in 1.5 years except in passing in the car

Child 2 also had depression issues but stayed it out longer. Her grades were declining and I punished her (I took something away, which had been by mutual agreement a few weeks before). In a rage she left and blamed me for a lot of things. Never came back. Have not seen her except in passing in a store or in the car for almost 1.5 years. She, however, made a greater effort to communicate and stay in touch after.

The upshot is that in 1.5 - 2 years I have had almost no contact with my kids and my wife thinks it should stay that way. She thinks they are troubled, are spies for mom, and that the emotional impact will damage my fragile health. She thinks they need time away for "God to work through them" and get them straightened out. She's very persuasive but I'm increasingly feeling manipulated. They both reached out repeatedly in various ways to communicate with me, see me, in one case discussing coming back on a limited basis, etc. That has, of course, basically stopped because I am always persuaded to respond in a limited way without encouraging them.

I mean, even if they tried to kill me in my sleep they're my kids. I miss them. I have missed two incredibly formative years in their lives. We used to be INCREDIBLY close. Like I was super dad. And then the divorce from left field, and contact went to basically nothing. I feel like an abject failure of a man for what I have allowed to happen.

I want to keep reaching out to them (even by email to start) and wife basically melts down at the idea of it. She quotes the Bible at me about a man and a wife being one, I made a vow, etc. and has consistently managed to foil my impulses to and efforts to reach out except in the most de minimis way. //She flatly refuses to consider me reaching out to meet in person or to have a full conversation until both kids have some realization that their behavior was wrong and disrespectful and they acknowledge it to me.// My view is, divorce is hard, they're kids, it's not their fault, and I should overlook 90% of the behavior as being a result of the divorce stress, their mother's stress/anguish/anger, my errors, etc. To the extent they are "blameworthy" they are human beings and we make mistakes. Yes, the drama caused me problems with my health. Yes, it caused me problems in court. But dammit they are my kids and I desperately miss them.

Perspective please