I'm afraid I've seriously damaged my children's lives - need perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. Reading these tales about the control being exerted by wife #2, I would assume that OP is a troll. However, one of my aunts is in a marriage with the same kind of dynamic, and it caused her to cut off contact with her son, who was college-aged at the time. Like your child, my cousin has tried repeatedly, in very respectful, appropriate ways, to restore a relationship with his mother. My aunt, at the behest of her husband, has repeatedly lashed out at him, claiming that his letters are a breach of her privacy.

OP, my cousin is now middle-aged with a healthy marriage and child of his own, but I cannot emphasize enough how emotionally damaging it has been for him to be rejected (and in a sense, vilified) by his own mother. You sound very focused on your feelings--YOUR emotional health, and YOUR marriage. That's normal, but as a parent, you have a duty to prioritize your kids' needs. What do you think the estrangement from your kids is doing to them?

Let me be frank: You are in an abusive marriage. Your wife wants you to believe that you are too physically and emotionally fragile to function without her, and she is isolating you from your children to perpetuate your dependence on her. In usurping control over your life, she has caused you to lose faith in your own capacity to cope, which is furthering your sense of fragility.

OP, are you in therapy right now? That would be your first step. You owe it to your kids and to yourself to restore your relationship with them, but first you have to address your marriage and your find a sense of personal responsibility and power.

I am not a troll. I am reading and appreciate the comments, as harsh as they may be.

My health issues have seriously impacted my judgement and cognitive/executive functioning. Looking back I can see my wife gradually taking more control as I spiraled down and my health started to go. I turned more and more over to her and focused on my work.

Also, I'm sort of a pushover and the wife has an incredibly "strong" and persuasive personality. I hate conflict.

Wife actually took me to CBT to try and help me and we got into huge fights because I was confused about how we could make it financially as my income declined and she sweet talked the therapist who saw me, I think, as sort of broken/alarmist/depressed - you know, "everything is terrible" (there's a word for that - catastrophizing?). Except in my case everything actually WAS (or close to) catastrophic.

[Anonymous]

And I cannot afford individual therapy. No insurance (!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do your wife’s children live with you?

Does your wife work?

Do you have anywhere you can go to clear your head and gain some perspective? Maybe your parents house? Coronavirus is a great excuse to isolate yourself for a week or 2.

Yes

No (see linked thread post 1)

I don't know if I am ready to go to my parents. I am afraid to dump on them because dad is ill (besides being fragile). Also they are in FL which is worrying right now with my own health problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your current wife is crazy. You need to decide if you're going to prioritize your current wife over your kids, or your kids over your current wife.

Your kids CLEARLY want a relationship with you. You are abandoning them.

I have heard a 100 variations of Biblical advice that a man and a woman are one, that nothing is to come between them, that I have a new family for which I am responsible, etc.

My poor parents have tried gently to encourage me to reach out and I have - at her suggestion - shut it all down because there is always some variation of "the kids acted up won't own it."

Meanwhile I sneakily look at one of my kid's IGs - the one who was closest to me - and I notice she almost never smiles anymore. Like me.

Stop looking towards religion to guide you. It's not taking you anywhere useful. Your life is shit with your second wife and with you clinging to your religion. Drop both and reconnect with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read your link to the previous post but is that where you describe how you had your balls removed?

Leave your kids alone until you grow a new pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an adult. You have made poor choices in your life, it seems, and need to own up to it. Your relationship with your children are not your wife's business. You don't need her permission to contact them, talk to them, go for a walk, or go out for pizza. Call your children and apologize to them for abandoning them. Call your first wife and do the same. Ask for forgiveness, and tell them you will try to do better. Stay in touch; schedule it into a calendar if you have to. Call/email/meet (well, after the virus thing has passed). Take it one day at a time.

This.

Op, you’re going to get mostly useless responses on here. I would link your post in website feedback to delete.

Call NAMI number to get actual helpful advice:
https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-helpline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

:/

Sex is certainly not the reason I stay. I made a promise and swore to God I would remain for better or for worse, till death.

OTOH I did not sign up for losing my kids.

The weird thing is that she went along with (and actively participated in) some //incredibly// expensive plans I had to keep the kids happy during the divorce (some nice trips just with me and them), she bought brand new furniture/clothes/EVERYTHING for when they were at our house and set their rooms up, she worked with them to try and overcome some social issues they both had, took them shopping, to spas, etc. Like model stepmom stuff. And then suddenly they started to have issues and stuff was getting back to their mother (nothing bad, just private details of how we lived) and it was like a switch went off.

It went from "I can't believe it's working out this well" to "WTF just happened".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do your wife’s children live with you?

Does your wife work?

Do you have anywhere you can go to clear your head and gain some perspective? Maybe your parents house? Coronavirus is a great excuse to isolate yourself for a week or 2.

Yes

No (see linked thread post 1)

I don't know if I am ready to go to my parents. I am afraid to dump on them because dad is ill (besides being fragile). Also they are in FL which is worrying right now with my own health problems.

If it’s against god for your children to have a relationship with you, then surely it’s against god for her children to live in your house? Doesn’t their presence invade your privacy?

Even if you end up broke, you need to reset your life. Drop the wife and stepkids. Focus on you and how to stop making bad choices. (I think your wife is horrible, but your choices and YOUR CHOICES only, got you where you are.)

Apologize to your children.

You would be better off in a studio apt working at a grocery store than your current situation.

[Anonymous]

This. Is. Not. About. Your. Wife.
This. Is. Not. About. Your. Wife.
This. Is. Not. About. Your. Wifel

No one can "persuade" you to do what you're not willing to do. You have not been physically forced to emotionally abandon and abuse your kids. You have made the choice that you'd rather do that then have a disagreement with your current wife.

Own it, dude. This isn't her fault. It is your fault. Once you own it, you have a chance of fixing it.

Tell us the story except instead of shifting the blame to your wife for "persuading" you to be an asshole, admit to what you, an adult, chose to do. Every action you took was one you had control over.

Once you can tell the story honestly, we can help you try to figure out how to make it better.

[Anonymous]

your wife is evil. You need to divorce her. This will never work and you will never be mentally healthy with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

:/

Sex is certainly not the reason I stay. I made a promise and swore to God I would remain for better or for worse, till death.

OTOH I did not sign up for losing my kids.

The weird thing is that she went along with (and actively participated in) some //incredibly// expensive plans I had to keep the kids happy during the divorce (some nice trips just with me and them), she bought brand new furniture/clothes/EVERYTHING for when they were at our house and set their rooms up, she worked with them to try and overcome some social issues they both had, took them shopping, to spas, etc. Like model stepmom stuff. And then suddenly they started to have issues and stuff was getting back to their mother (nothing bad, just private details of how we lived) and it was like a switch went off.

It went from "I can't believe it's working out this well" to "WTF just happened".

That’s an excuse and you know it.

Didn’t you make the same promise to your children’s mother? Somehow it was okay to break that promise and now it’s not? Riiight. I bet the first time around there was wife#2 waiting and now there’s nobody.

Everyone sees through this, btw. Stop lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Why did you and your first wife divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? Is your current wife for real? So you have prioritized sex over your biological children and are now whining about it?

:/

Sex is certainly not the reason I stay. I made a promise and swore to God I would remain for better or for worse, till death.

OTOH I did not sign up for losing my kids.

The weird thing is that she went along with (and actively participated in) some //incredibly// expensive plans I had to keep the kids happy during the divorce (some nice trips just with me and them), she bought brand new furniture/clothes/EVERYTHING for when they were at our house and set their rooms up, she worked with them to try and overcome some social issues they both had, took them shopping, to spas, etc. Like model stepmom stuff. And then suddenly they started to have issues and stuff was getting back to their mother (nothing bad, just private details of how we lived) and it was like a switch went off.

It went from "I can't believe it's working out this well" to "WTF just happened".

There is no "it", OP. There's you and decisions YOU chose to make. You are still deflecting and blaming your wife, your kids, anyone but you. YOU DID THIS, you made these choices. You told your kids not to come over. You chose to throw out photos of your kids and ex wife. You chose to allow two years to go by without contact with your kids. OWN these decisions and make better ones going forward. You can't defer your life to other people and then complain when things don't turn out the way you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your first wife divorce?

In hindsight I think I was depressed and that my judgement was starting to slip. We were having some issues connecting, being on the same page with finances, she needed more of my time than I had to give, things like that. In the clarity of hindsight probably nothing we could not have worked through, warts and all. I should have been a better leader and should have been more active in the finances.

Ironically now I am 100 times worse off.

I am also hearing the comments loud and clear about owning this. I am trying to be open and honest with myself and with DCUM in order to get clarity. My judgement IS shit. My health and cognitive issues ARE shit.

Part of the problem is extricating myself when I have no resources to do so, to support her without making her totally homeless which makes me a brute, and all in the midst of an economic/global health crisis.