Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the PPs are reading too much into this. I have drinks/lunch with married coworkers of the opposite sex because we are work friends. It’s NBD and there’s certainly nothing sexual going on. I’d rarely mention a lunch unless something came up that would be interesting to my DH but would mention drinks if it meant I was late to get home. I also work in a very male dominated workplace and wouldn’t have friends there if I weren’t able to befriend men. My DH doesn’t care because he knows he and our family are my #1 priority. Likewise he has female colleagues who are friends and I’m sure he meets them for lunch or drinks.

Do you feel unsure about his priorities/your relationship in other ways?

[Anonymous]

Word to the wise: if you go looking for problems, you’ll always find them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not mentioning it is not the same as hiding it. It may not be important enough to mention.

+1, esp if you guys frequently do things independent of each other with other people

+1. My husband NEVER talks about work unless he's really pissed off about something. If he were just meeting someone to talk about a work issue, he would never think to mention it, other than to say he'd be home late. Why don't you suggest having some of the folks from his office over for some event and see what he does? I feel like if you met this woman, you'd feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP I would definitely talk to him. It is not promising that he hasn’t mentioned her. It seems like those who are saying not to are assuming he’s definitely having an affair or is going to, and that you should be focusing on gathering evidence about that. But if you don’t think your marriage is already doomed, I think you should tell him what you saw, apologize for snooping, but say you are concerned that he didn’t ever mention her name when they seem to be good friends. And listen to what he says and observe his nonverbal reactions closely. It will give you a good sense of where he’s at and what you’re up against.

[Anonymous]

I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

Not saying anything kills me because it’s affecting how I interact with him. I’m mad and probably cold because I’m pissed and anxious that he hiding something. But as I said I’m afraid to drive this further nderground. My best case resolution would be something like - he says he’s been hiding this friend from me because he thought I would be jealous and he feels bad about it, and then it’s out in the open and not a problem anymore. I have close male work friends I socialize with but am Not trying to sleep with, why can’t he?

If he's texting her "a lot" is he never doing it when he's home with you? "Oh, who are you texting?" or "oh, what are you reading?" are pretty normal things to ask a spouse absorbed with their phone. Does he mention other people from work but specifically not her? Do you go out socially together with anyone from his work (but not her)? Those things can help to answer the "is he hiding or it just honestly hasn't come up" question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going for a drink after a work happy hour is not what you do with your work wife imo. That’s not a bitch session, that’s a date. Sorry to say it.

I think you snooped, but I think you should come clean. Let him be mad or whatever but just take responsibility for the snooping (an appropriate level - it was a breach of trust but not some huge betrayal). Don’t pay too much attention to his reaction - time to focus on yourself. Your health, your job, your hobbies. Whatever is going on with your husband is going to go on or not no matter what magic words you say.

Yup. Heck, I have a same gender work spouse and I don't even go to post-work related function drinks without the other significant or other colleagues involved, let alone a different gender (assuming she's not a lesbian).

+2 We have a group of people in the office that will go out for drinks together after an event, but not one-on-one. And certainly not while hiding any interaction with that coworker from your spouse. This feels like an affair, not a "work wife" situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Lunch is not the same as going for drinks one-on-one after a work event, and I'm pretty sure you know it. I do things one-on-one with coworkers, but my spouse knows about them. I don't have a secret colleague that I'm chummy enough with to text to my own phone and also meet alone for drinks more than once. This could conceivably be innocent but let's not act like OP's being a crazy person for finding it strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Lunch is not the same as going for drinks one-on-one after a work event, and I'm pretty sure you know it. I do things one-on-one with coworkers, but my spouse knows about them. I don't have a secret colleague that I'm chummy enough with to text to my own phone and also meet alone for drinks more than once. This could conceivably be innocent but let's not act like OP's being a crazy person for finding it strange.

OP admits to doing the same thing she even called him a "work husband" and SOP on DCUM is for the work husband/wife scenario to be considered an "affair." Therefore OP has admitted to having had at least an "emotional affair." Did OP really tell her husband about every single interaction she had with her affair partner while she was having it? I doubt it. In reality it is unreasonable to expect a spouse to tell their partner about every single interaction they have with other people with the spouse isn't around.

OP needs to own up to her snooping and apologize to her husband for breach of trust.

[Anonymous]

sounds like a double standard to me.

OP is fine with having a work-husband but then she gets jealous/nervous/insecure when her husband has a work-wife...

She needs to ask for a clarification on the rules of their open marriage and make it clear she wants details of all interactions that occur outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Lunch is not the same as going for drinks one-on-one after a work event, and I'm pretty sure you know it. I do things one-on-one with coworkers, but my spouse knows about them. I don't have a secret colleague that I'm chummy enough with to text to my own phone and also meet alone for drinks more than once. This could conceivably be innocent but let's not act like OP's being a crazy person for finding it strange.

OP admits to doing the same thing she even called him a "work husband" and SOP on DCUM is for the work husband/wife scenario to be considered an "affair." Therefore OP has admitted to having had at least an "emotional affair." Did OP really tell her husband about every single interaction she had with her affair partner while she was having it? I doubt it. In reality it is unreasonable to expect a spouse to tell their partner about every single interaction they have with other people with the spouse isn't around.

OP needs to own up to her snooping and apologize to her husband for breach of trust.

No she doesn't "admit to doing the same thing." She said:

I had a work husband of my own at my last job who I was very close to, but I was very open about it with my husband - talking about the work colleague openly and our plans to get drinks, etc. my husband has never mentioned the work wife.

One of these things is not like the other. You are really stretching to to from "If OP's DH is meeting someone who cares? You're controlling!" to "OP hung out with a colleague so therefore it was her affair partner."

I'm sorry your marriage is terrible. But you're not making sense.

[Anonymous]

OP this doesn’t sound good. I would be feeling the same way you are.

The frequent text, some of which, although innocent, have nothing to do with work, seem bizarre. No male co-worker friend would be texting asking him about how his kid’s soccer game went. And then the post work happy hour 1:1 drinks, highly suspicious. They just saw each other at happy hour, outside of work...what do they need to further discuss in private?

And he has never even mentioned her name to you. Major red flag.

Do you happen to know if she is married? I would second the suggestion a PP made of asking him to invite some work friends and their spouses over for dinner one night. Hopefully he would include her. This would certainly help validate you bringing her up in conversation from time to time and maybe would open him up to mention if he was going out with her next time, if you actually knew her.

I don’t know that there is anything you can do to stop an affair from happening. You are married, but you don’t own him. I would keep a close eye on this situation and if you find evidence he has started an affair, then he has made his choice and at that point you make yours.

[Anonymous]

Whats up with work-wife/husband? Is this a thing? My husband and I don't have a work anything. OP to me it seems like the beginning of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DH who doesn’t have a work wife, but if I did, I would not mention it to DW. She would assume an affair, even if I had no intention.

That’s a wife problem, not a work wife problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whats up with work-wife/husband? Is this a thing? My husband and I don't have a work anything. OP to me it seems like the beginning of an affair.

It’s a weird term but I would say it’s pretty normal to get very close/casual with a colleague you work closely with and that’s what people mean by “work husband” usually I think - that you have crossed over to where you have unguarded conversations about the boss or whatever. Or like, you know when the other person poops because you travel together so much.

There’s also a long tradition of Helpless Men who have a wife who takes care of them at home and a work wife who does it at the office, an admin assistant who also has to make sure he has an extra tie or birthday gifts for his kid a la Mad Men. But I don’t think “work wife” usually means that now, it just means close and casual. Not sexual. Like a sibling.