Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

A few things stuck out. One... in the OP, the work wife could not or did not attend the function. Meeting her after could have been a debriefing. There are simple explanations to everything. Two... the double standard in the working relationships. You expect trust from him completely and totally yet you deny him the same courtesy. Three... you'll start a post on the internet and listen to complete strangers, many of whom will judge and speak maliciously of your husband without knowing him, but you will not even go have a conversation and listen to your own husband. Go talk to your husband and more importantly learn to listen and respect him.

[Anonymous]

Well I’m a wife and hide and lie to my husband when we have HH after work. I tell him it’s just me and a few female coworkers but in reality it’s just me and one other female coworker with guys from other jobs we use to work at. These guys always gave me a lot of attention and made me center of attention. I’ve been married since high school and my husband has been the only guy to ever touch me below my neck. I’m only 5’1 with big B cups and a normal body and since I never really dated it feels nice being the center of attention. I mean I do flirt and tease and sometimes when I’m in a kinky mood I will do something to where another male coworker would be able to see down my blouse to where he can see the color and style of my bra and my small cleavage. I even sometimes sit in my office with my boobs out acting like I’m taking a selfie knowing a male coworker is coming to my office and when he walks in he has a full view surprise. All these things I do is just for fun and nothing more and I do it at every job I’ve worked at and I’m in the oil and gas industry and everyone knows who I am. Lol. So certain guys I never mention or talk about with my husband and never invite him to my office or any company events. I don’t have physical interactions, just flirt and tease and be a bit naughty since I never had the chance to do being married at 19. I’m 51 now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I’m a wife and hide and lie to my husband when we have HH after work. I tell him it’s just me and a few female coworkers but in reality it’s just me and one other female coworker with guys from other jobs we use to work at. These guys always gave me a lot of attention and made me center of attention. I’ve been married since high school and my husband has been the only guy to ever touch me below my neck. I’m only 5’1 with big B cups and a normal body and since I never really dated it feels nice being the center of attention. I mean I do flirt and tease and sometimes when I’m in a kinky mood I will do something to where another male coworker would be able to see down my blouse to where he can see the color and style of my bra and my small cleavage. I even sometimes sit in my office with my boobs out acting like I’m taking a selfie knowing a male coworker is coming to my office and when he walks in he has a full view surprise. All these things I do is just for fun and nothing more and I do it at every job I’ve worked at and I’m in the oil and gas industry and everyone knows who I am. Lol. So certain guys I never mention or talk about with my husband and never invite him to my office or any company events. I don’t have physical interactions, just flirt and tease and be a bit naughty since I never had the chance to do being married at 19. I’m 51 now

You resurrected a 5-year old thread to tell everyone how trashy you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I want to to talk to him about it, but I don’t want to drive the behavior more underground.

I don’t know why I snooped. Just feeling a little distant from him and sort of wondering what was going on with him that I’m not seeing.

I’m so upset about this- we’ve always been really comfortable with having some separate social lives, me getting together with work friends (even men) and others, he going with his friends and colleagues. But the hiding it makes me very sad and scared. If I’m being honest it also makes me want to go out and have secrets I keep from him.

I hope you don’t have kids. You two are a disaster. This isn’t going to last. And yes, he’s cheating. And yes, it’s incredibly weird that he was ok with you dating a colleague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly how pretty much every affair starts, FYI.

+1000

This is what happened to me. They had “regular chats” on regular channels, but also used WhatsApp and other locked apps to chat. They were hooking up during the days or right after work for
Short periods.

[Anonymous]

I think you are reading way too much into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably already in the danger zone. If he knows not to talk about her, then he has been "trained in the ways of a good cheater."

I would not go for drinks alone with a married male colleague.

I would, but I also wouldn't lie to my husband about it. I've had two "work husbands" over the years. One of them I still see for lunch about once a month and another I get drinks with about once a month. Both are married, I've met both of their spouses, they've both met mine. It's all good, no one is having an affair and no one is insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I want to to talk to him about it, but I don’t want to drive the behavior more underground.

I don’t know why I snooped. Just feeling a little distant from him and sort of wondering what was going on with him that I’m not seeing.

I’m so upset about this- we’ve always been really comfortable with having some separate social lives, me getting together with work friends (even men) and others, he going with his friends and colleagues. But the hiding it makes me very sad and scared. If I’m being honest it also makes me want to go out and have secrets I keep from him.

I hope you don’t have kids. You two are a disaster. This isn’t going to last. And yes, he’s cheating. And yes, it’s incredibly weird that he was ok with you dating a colleague.

NP but what are you talking about??? You are aware that couples can have separate social lives, yes? And that men and women can be friends and only friends, yes?

I'm not saying OP's husband isn't having an inappropriate friendship, but it sounds like they've been up until this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this work husband/wife stuff is nonsense. Work is work personal is personal. Putting a less offensive name on an emotional affair with someone does not make it ok.

Well this is just too black and white. In reality, a lot of us do get close to the people we work with. I think it’s sad to suggest that every close work partnership HAS to be either bare bones only professional interaction or it’s essentially an affair. My husband has a woman he had worked with that I am very comfortable calling his work wife. He has golfed with her husband! They text and speak by phone and share details of their lives as friends do but never in a way I have felt threatened by. Similarly, I have a friend at work like this. It isn’t sexual. It isn’t an emotional affair. We have never done drinks together alone or anything nor anything else inappropriate or line crossing, but they are the person at work (and I for them) I can safely vent to, rely on for a favor, and who just have the most similar personality to me. The person who will attend a meeting I attend and when we walk out we both mention the same absurd tidbit. It’s sad you would find THAT unacceptable since it’s a major function for a lot of people being able to cope with stress or burnout at work. Just a coworker who gets you.

Obviously OP’s issue extends to the drinks alone that he hid but a work husband/ work wife is not an inherently bad thing or a thing that is definitively line crossing in a relationship.

Maybe this terminology of work wife/husband needs to die off. There's no similarity in my mind between close coworkers and a spouse. We should leave it at "work friends". My husband has a colleague who he works with a lot (although remotely). She has helped his career. They have very compatible personalities. I would be disturbed if he started calling her his "work wife". It's actually not very funny if you think about it.

[Anonymous]

My ex wife had a "work husband." She seemed to regard him as a nice, asexual, buffoon. He was a reliable person to talk to at office events. I was a reliable person to talk to at school and family events. She thought of her work husband and her home husband pretty much the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex wife had a "work husband." She seemed to regard him as a nice, asexual, buffoon. He was a reliable person to talk to at office events. I was a reliable person to talk to at school and family events. She thought of her work husband and her home husband pretty much the same way.

So she was banging both?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of professions where one on one meetings for sales or other purposes are the norm so somewhat impossible to avoid those completely unless you are Mike pence.

I would say that from a purely social perspective I try to avoid meeting one on one with any opposite sex friend, especially as doing so in a close social circle like kids school can touch off baseless rumors and speculation.

At work I do it if it’s in the normal course of business but don’t go out of my way to seek out quasi dates. I will say that post “me too” most people are relatively guarded in their behavior and gestures, so flirting only happens if there’s an obvious spark on both sides. Do think any pattern of sustained interaction as OP highlighted is worth seeking some honest answers.

[Anonymous]

Stop it. Nobody wants your husband. Even you don't want him. You had a work husband and try to be supportive of his having a work wife.
You just nosy. Don't touch his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly how pretty much every affair starts, FYI.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this work husband/wife stuff is nonsense. Work is work personal is personal. Putting a less offensive name on an emotional affair with someone does not make it ok.

Well this is just too black and white. In reality, a lot of us do get close to the people we work with. I think it’s sad to suggest that every close work partnership HAS to be either bare bones only professional interaction or it’s essentially an affair. My husband has a woman he had worked with that I am very comfortable calling his work wife. He has golfed with her husband! They text and speak by phone and share details of their lives as friends do but never in a way I have felt threatened by. Similarly, I have a friend at work like this. It isn’t sexual. It isn’t an emotional affair. We have never done drinks together alone or anything nor anything else inappropriate or line crossing, but they are the person at work (and I for them) I can safely vent to, rely on for a favor, and who just have the most similar personality to me. The person who will attend a meeting I attend and when we walk out we both mention the same absurd tidbit. It’s sad you would find THAT unacceptable since it’s a major function for a lot of people being able to cope with stress or burnout at work. Just a coworker who gets you.

Obviously OP’s issue extends to the drinks alone that he hid but a work husband/ work wife is not an inherently bad thing or a thing that is definitively line crossing in a relationship.

Maybe this terminology of work wife/husband needs to die off. There's no similarity in my mind between close coworkers and a spouse. We should leave it at "work friends". My husband has a colleague who he works with a lot (although remotely). She has helped his career. They have very compatible personalities. I would be disturbed if he started calling her his "work wife". It's actually not very funny if you think about it.

In my experience the only people who use this terminology are either older (50s and up) or they’re up to no good.