Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

OP, has he been hiding his phone or not letting it go lately? My husband and I both have the passwords to each other's phones, although I don't read his texts. However, we also both leave our phones lying around the other person when we shower, go downstairs, etc. If my husband started always taking his phone with him, I'd probably begin to be suspicious. But if he has these texts on his phone, and he didn't delete them, and he leaves his phone lying around a lot (he did so at least once so you could snoop), then it seems like he's either a moron or nothing is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has he been hiding his phone or not letting it go lately? My husband and I both have the passwords to each other's phones, although I don't read his texts. However, we also both leave our phones lying around the other person when we shower, go downstairs, etc. If my husband started always taking his phone with him, I'd probably begin to be suspicious. But if he has these texts on his phone, and he didn't delete them, and he leaves his phone lying around a lot (he did so at least once so you could snoop), then it seems like he's either a moron or nothing is going on.

He leaves his phone around all the time and doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about that. But he may be a moron. Because he definitely lied about what he was doing recently even though I have access to the texts and bank statements that prove the lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I caught my H having drinks with coworkers he never ever talked about. I confronted him and he said they were innocent friendships but then he went ballistic so I knew something was up. I allowed him to go silent, we barely talked for a few days. He thought things were going to smooth over with time. Little did he know I was on the hunt looking so vast and deep into our accounts and came up with the smiling gun and confronted again. There was no denying he was having an affair. Initially I would have let it go but his confrontation reaction was over the top guilty.

What was the smoking gun you found?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I caught my H having drinks with coworkers he never ever talked about. I confronted him and he said they were innocent friendships but then he went ballistic so I knew something was up. I allowed him to go silent, we barely talked for a few days. He thought things were going to smooth over with time. Little did he know I was on the hunt looking so vast and deep into our accounts and came up with the smiling gun and confronted again. There was no denying he was having an affair. Initially I would have let it go but his confrontation reaction was over the top guilty.

What was the smoking gun you found?

Receipts. Cross checked it with texts of his whereabouts. They didn’t match. Repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. Your husband leaving a work event with another woman and having drinks with her is wrong. I can only imagine how most men would react if the situation were reversed. Men rarely get solo drinks with a woman, even a colleague, they aren’t attracted to.

I was in a similar situation as you and am a pretty relaxed individual. So I kind of just ignored it. Their “relationship” only got more intense and I noticed frequent texting. Once I started picking up on little things (you picked up on the first thing - he lied about the drinks) then I stared noticing many things. I ended up finding out they were having a full blown affair. They were going to hotels to have sex.

There is a reason your husband hasn’t told you about this woman. Start doing some thinking and you may notice some little things that make you even more curious.

A reason to not confront him yet is that he will lie. Unless you have concrete evidence then you won’t really find out the truth. He is going to lie to you and cover his tracks. You’ll start feeling crazy and he’ll make you think you’re crazy. He will probably continue cheating.

Mine did the above. Then I came across an email from his AP about a hotel being charged to her card and it needing to be on his charge. The email was a forward of the hotel bill for a hotel in the same city we live in. He STILL tried to lie about it.

[Anonymous]

I am a newly single woman in my 40s and, I hate to say it, but there are tons of cheating spouses out there. Now that I am single, the floodgate has been opened for married men to test my boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit. It doesn’t sound like they’re texting in the evenings or over the weekend. The content of the texts sounds tame, as it’s work or neutral family convo’s like kid soccer. The only thing op’s found that is disconcerting is that they’ve met up for drinks after a work event.

Op, it sounds a little bit like you’re setting up the rules in your favor, and you’re mad he’s not following them, even though he probably doesn’t even know they exist. You have a co-worker that you go so far as to call your “work-husband”. You spend time solo with this person. But you’ve declared it okay because you tell your husband about it. Did he agree to that? Did you talk it through? Did he have a choice in it? Is there any level of flirtation in your relationship with your co-worker? Frankly, I’d say even calling him a work-husband is a level of flirtation. I think you need to be a bit more introspective on your own actions here and how they may be impacting your marriage. Maybe start there. Ask him if it bothers him at all. Maybe there’s something to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit. It doesn’t sound like they’re texting in the evenings or over the weekend. The content of the texts sounds tame, as it’s work or neutral family convo’s like kid soccer. The only thing op’s found that is disconcerting is that they’ve met up for drinks after a work event.

Op, it sounds a little bit like you’re setting up the rules in your favor, and you’re mad he’s not following them, even though he probably doesn’t even know they exist. You have a co-worker that you go so far as to call your “work-husband”. You spend time solo with this person. But you’ve declared it okay because you tell your husband about it. Did he agree to that? Did you talk it through? Did he have a choice in it? Is there any level of flirtation in your relationship with your co-worker? Frankly, I’d say even calling him a work-husband is a level of flirtation. I think you need to be a bit more introspective on your own actions here and how they may be impacting your marriage. Maybe start there. Ask him if it bothers him at all. Maybe there’s something to it.

I’m all about introspection, how ones actions impact marriages. And yes, her work husband was impacting her marriage but hiding a relationship with a woman from your wife gives me pause. Now it may be nothing but I 100% think there’s a possibility it may be something. And I do not necessarily agree that her relationship with her coworker was a catalyst for his relationship with his coworker.

I do think she should talk to him in general about the state of their marriage because she does feel he’s been distant. I think she should start there. Don’t mention you snooped or mention what you know. For now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit. It doesn’t sound like they’re texting in the evenings or over the weekend. The content of the texts sounds tame, as it’s work or neutral family convo’s like kid soccer. The only thing op’s found that is disconcerting is that they’ve met up for drinks after a work event.

Op, it sounds a little bit like you’re setting up the rules in your favor, and you’re mad he’s not following them, even though he probably doesn’t even know they exist. You have a co-worker that you go so far as to call your “work-husband”. You spend time solo with this person. But you’ve declared it okay because you tell your husband about it. Did he agree to that? Did you talk it through? Did he have a choice in it? Is there any level of flirtation in your relationship with your co-worker? Frankly, I’d say even calling him a work-husband is a level of flirtation. I think you need to be a bit more introspective on your own actions here and how they may be impacting your marriage. Maybe start there. Ask him if it bothers him at all. Maybe there’s something to it.

This is a great point. OP herself even admits this might be her husband responding to jealousy over her work husband. Just because you told him doesn’t mean he was ever okay with it. So her work husband is okay because she said it was, but his work wife is not okay. Because.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this work husband/wife stuff is nonsense. Work is work personal is personal. Putting a less offensive name on an emotional affair with someone does not make it ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a newly single woman in my 40s and, I hate to say it, but there are tons of cheating spouses out there. Now that I am single, the floodgate has been opened for married men to test my boundaries.

Same and it's stunning. Like almost all the men I thought were good upstanding husband's and men of the community have propositioned me since my divorce. I was never naive but it's unreal to think all men would cheat if they could

[Anonymous]

I work closely with a man. We text a lot, travel together, and spend a lot of time together. We are also friends outside of work, our families have hung out, etc. It would not cross my mind to go to drinks with him, solo, ever. I mean we don't even do lunch together unless it's also with other people.
If I didn't mention a solo drinks or meal with a co-worker of the opposite vsex, for me it would y because there was *something* there I didn't feel I should share with spouse. Not necessarily an affair, but a flirtation, a history, something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this work husband/wife stuff is nonsense. Work is work personal is personal. Putting a less offensive name on an emotional affair with someone does not make it ok.

Well this is just too black and white. In reality, a lot of us do get close to the people we work with. I think it’s sad to suggest that every close work partnership HAS to be either bare bones only professional interaction or it’s essentially an affair. My husband has a woman he had worked with that I am very comfortable calling his work wife. He has golfed with her husband! They text and speak by phone and share details of their lives as friends do but never in a way I have felt threatened by. Similarly, I have a friend at work like this. It isn’t sexual. It isn’t an emotional affair. We have never done drinks together alone or anything nor anything else inappropriate or line crossing, but they are the person at work (and I for them) I can safely vent to, rely on for a favor, and who just have the most similar personality to me. The person who will attend a meeting I attend and when we walk out we both mention the same absurd tidbit. It’s sad you would find THAT unacceptable since it’s a major function for a lot of people being able to cope with stress or burnout at work. Just a coworker who gets you.

Obviously OP’s issue extends to the drinks alone that he hid but a work husband/ work wife is not an inherently bad thing or a thing that is definitively line crossing in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit. It doesn’t sound like they’re texting in the evenings or over the weekend. The content of the texts sounds tame, as it’s work or neutral family convo’s like kid soccer. The only thing op’s found that is disconcerting is that they’ve met up for drinks after a work event.

Op, it sounds a little bit like you’re setting up the rules in your favor, and you’re mad he’s not following them, even though he probably doesn’t even know they exist. You have a co-worker that you go so far as to call your “work-husband”. You spend time solo with this person. But you’ve declared it okay because you tell your husband about it. Did he agree to that? Did you talk it through? Did he have a choice in it? Is there any level of flirtation in your relationship with your co-worker? Frankly, I’d say even calling him a work-husband is a level of flirtation. I think you need to be a bit more introspective on your own actions here and how they may be impacting your marriage. Maybe start there. Ask him if it bothers him at all. Maybe there’s something to it.

Bolded is absolutely a double standard. As pp says, you made the rules in your favor for your labeled "work husband". Maybe DH just didn't tell you because being out with colleagues is an umbrella statement. Should he have updated that he was continuing on to meet another colleague? Access to spouse's emails and cell phones is paranoid and nuts. Spying is even worse.

I will say this though, those who talk it up about their "work spouses" are more clever and manipulative. This behavior normalizes the relationship so there is no suspicion. You fall into this category OP (not saying your cheating). But it's a classic cheater move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this work husband/wife stuff is nonsense. Work is work personal is personal. Putting a less offensive name on an emotional affair with someone does not make it ok.

Absolutely agree, I don't get this nonsense at all. My work team is like family but I absolutely do not have or need a "special friend" of the opposite sex among them.