Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

My husband seems to be hiding his “work wife.” Unfortunately I know because I have looked at his texts. They don’t seem to be more than close work colleagues, but my husband doesn’t talk about her. I know they’ve had drinks together a few times without mentioning it - most recently he said he went out to a work parry and everyone got drinks after, but the texts show that he left the one work full function to meet the work wife for a drink afterwards. As further background, I had a work husband of my own at my last job who I was very close to, but I was very open about it with my husband - talking about the work colleague openly and our plans to get drinks, etc. my husband has never mentioned the work wife.

I don’t know what to do. Nothing? I shouldn’t be looking at his texts, I know that. Which complicates talking to him about this. I could probably raise a question about drinks I see on bank statements, but should I? Or try to get at this another way? My optimistic side says he may just be hiding this because he thinks I would be jealous, and doesn’t want to deal with that when he knows their relationship is innocent. Should I just make it clear that I would support him having work relationships like the one I have with my work-spouse?

[Anonymous]

Going for a drink after a work happy hour is not what you do with your work wife imo. That’s not a bitch session, that’s a date. Sorry to say it.

I think you snooped, but I think you should come clean. Let him be mad or whatever but just take responsibility for the snooping (an appropriate level - it was a breach of trust but not some huge betrayal). Don’t pay too much attention to his reaction - time to focus on yourself. Your health, your job, your hobbies. Whatever is going on with your husband is going to go on or not no matter what magic words you say.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what made you snoop? Did smthg seem off with H? See an odd text innocently & then look into it? Did CC bill charges seem odd?

[Anonymous]

This is exactly how pretty much every affair starts, FYI.

[Anonymous]

Maybe do something to nip it in the bud before it gets farther along?

[Anonymous]

You need to wait and observe now. You've got the upper hand, don't reveal it yet.

When he starts being more careless and doing more suspicious things that's when you can start asking questions you already know the answer to and see if he lies and continues to hide her.

If you bring her up now when you had no reason to know about her, you will only drive him deeper into hiding if there is anything worth hiding.

[Anonymous]

It's probably already in the danger zone. If he knows not to talk about her, then he has been "trained in the ways of a good cheater."

I would not go for drinks alone with a married male colleague.

[Anonymous]

OP: I want to to talk to him about it, but I don’t want to drive the behavior more underground.

I don’t know why I snooped. Just feeling a little distant from him and sort of wondering what was going on with him that I’m not seeing.

I’m so upset about this- we’ve always been really comfortable with having some separate social lives, me getting together with work friends (even men) and others, he going with his friends and colleagues. But the hiding it makes me very sad and scared. If I’m being honest it also makes me want to go out and have secrets I keep from him.

[Anonymous]

Is she young and/or attractive? Or is she 20 years his senior and she's his advocate in the office?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going for a drink after a work happy hour is not what you do with your work wife imo. That’s not a bitch session, that’s a date. Sorry to say it.

I think you snooped, but I think you should come clean. Let him be mad or whatever but just take responsibility for the snooping (an appropriate level - it was a breach of trust but not some huge betrayal). Don’t pay too much attention to his reaction - time to focus on yourself. Your health, your job, your hobbies. Whatever is going on with your husband is going to go on or not no matter what magic words you say.

Yup. Heck, I have a same gender work spouse and I don't even go to post-work related function drinks without the other significant or other colleagues involved, let alone a different gender (assuming she's not a lesbian).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably already in the danger zone. If he knows not to talk about her, then he has been "trained in the ways of a good cheater."

I would not go for drinks alone with a married male colleague.

Idk, I often travel for example with married colleagues and go for drinks, usually still “working” in the sense of some prep conversations for the next day. Spouses might not know we are getting drinks but they do know we’re traveling together and we’re all friends. There is zero sexual tension.

I think it’s possible this could happen at home especially if something is going down (like colleague knows boss is leaving and is going to tell me). But I think I would tell my spouse, even though we don’t talk about work much.

But that OP doesn’t know about her AND they had “secret” drinks is bad unless they’re plotting to leave the company together or something and OP just hasn’t told spouse because it’s too early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she young and/or attractive? Or is she 20 years his senior and she's his advocate in the office?

I think she’s a little older, not especially attractive. More senior in the workplace and yes an office advocate, but also from the texts it seems they’re also definitely friends. Most texts I’ve read are basically all about work stuff, and a few references to family like “how did the soccer game go” as if they had discussed that one of the kids had a soccer game coming up over over the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Glass houses and stones. You had a "work-spouse" which people on here normally call an emotional affair and you are worried about your husband having one as well, except you say you are fine with him having one.

[Anonymous]

If you want honesty and openness then be honest and open.
Express your concerns and admit your covert snooping. If you want honesty and openness then be honest and open.

[Anonymous]

Not mentioning it is not the same as hiding it. It may not be important enough to mention.