Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize that every time I have lunch with my coworkers and don't tell my wife that I'm hiding things from her! I was talking with a co-worker today about a tv show we both watch... I need to call my wife right now and tell her about that!

OP sounds controlling and neurotic.

Lunch is not the same as going for drinks one-on-one after a work event, and I'm pretty sure you know it. I do things one-on-one with coworkers, but my spouse knows about them. I don't have a secret colleague that I'm chummy enough with to text to my own phone and also meet alone for drinks more than once. This could conceivably be innocent but let's not act like OP's being a crazy person for finding it strange.

This. Very inappropriate. A group of co-workers yes, but not this situation. Also, texts should not be secret from your spouse. My spouse and vice versa have access to texts etc. We also have the same email. I would talk to him and shut that down. OP probably needs to look at other things to make sure he didn't have an affair with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whats up with work-wife/husband? Is this a thing? My husband and I don't have a work anything. OP to me it seems like the beginning of an affair.

It's sleazy. If he lies and doesn't admit to the inappropriate relationship then she needs to hire a PI. OP doesn't want to be blindsided by an affair and a threat to her finances and marriage. I've seen too many women excuse that bs away until it's too late.

[Anonymous]

It’s at least a crush.

[Anonymous]

If you want to find out the truth, monitor texts/emails/credit card statements/bank statements/cell phone records (details texts/calls), browser history...and do not let on that you are doing any of this. I would not recommend confronting him if you want to find out the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want honesty and openness then be honest and open.
Express your concerns and admit your covert snooping. If you want honesty and openness then be honest and open.

IME, it doesn't work this way. I don't know if he is cheating, but if he is, the odds are great that he will lie and conceal.

[Anonymous]

The people who are saying to ask him about it probably have not had spouses cheat and cover up affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a history of snooping or being accusatory? I wouldn’t automatically jump to an affair like every other person here, but if you’ve made his life difficult by being a snoop and making accusations or acting jealously, I can see why he would hide something innocuous just to avoid the inevitable lecture and fight.

I’m not convinced this is the first time you stopped through his sh*t.

OP: no history of snooping or accusing him of anything. Nothing like that. I don’t know why he’s hiding this.

Are you sure he’s actively hiding it? Do they text in the evenings or weekends? Does he talk about everyone else at work? Have you met her? Does he pretend they’re not friends when she’s around?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not talking about this with my DH if I uncovered this. I would want him to reassure me right away about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s at least a crush.

+1. Is totally a crush but sounds like it's on the way to something else. While I know you want to get it out in the open, if he is cheating, if you confront him, it will just make him more cautious. Do you really want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine not talking about this with my DH if I uncovered this. I would want him to reassure me right away about it.

OK...but what if instead he lies about it and then goes underground with the communications and pays in cash so that you can't find anything out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whats up with work-wife/husband? Is this a thing? My husband and I don't have a work anything. OP to me it seems like the beginning of an affair.

It's a weird thing. My DH often has "work wives" and I don't get it. I however, do not have a work wife or work husband or work anything but friends ... and TBH sometimes that is just friendship of convenience because we work near each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whats up with work-wife/husband? Is this a thing? My husband and I don't have a work anything. OP to me it seems like the beginning of an affair.

It’s a weird term but I would say it’s pretty normal to get very close/casual with a colleague you work closely with and that’s what people mean by “work husband” usually I think - that you have crossed over to where you have unguarded conversations about the boss or whatever. Or like, you know when the other person poops because you travel together so much.

There’s also a long tradition of Helpless Men who have a wife who takes care of them at home and a work wife who does it at the office, an admin assistant who also has to make sure he has an extra tie or birthday gifts for his kid a la Mad Men. But I don’t think “work wife” usually means that now, it just means close and casual. Not sexual. Like a sibling.

WTF. You'll NEVER find out when I poop. NEVER.

[Anonymous]

This is how my 15 year affair with my work wife started

[Anonymous]

It could go either way. This sounds like the beginning. Could become an affair if he is interested. Or she may just be trying to start one and he's going along because he wants to be friendly (but maybe doesn't intend to cross the line.)

[Anonymous]

I think you need to constructively have The Conversation.

I agree with PPs that it might just make him go underground, however; it *sounds like* the beginning of the affair...the crush stage, where nothing sexual has happened yet (except in the DH's mind).

So the best chance to save the situation is to get to it now, nipping it in the bud. Because if you wait and wait, snooping more to gather more evidence, all the while their relationship is getting more and more serious and there is more chance that the actual physical affair may start.