Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

Yeah I think travel / post function drinks is not the same although of course it depends on the person. I have done it with married opposite sex co workers and there’s zero sexual tension. But it could go differently.

[Anonymous]

Just keep you eyes open and continue to monitor. Occasionally ask How’s Susan doing? and gauge his reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I think travel / post function drinks is not the same although of course it depends on the person. I have done it with married opposite sex co workers and there’s zero sexual tension. But it could go differently.

OP: I have no problem with him having drinks with work friends of any gender. I do it. My problem is him hiding who he is drinking with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep you eyes open and continue to monitor. Occasionally ask How’s Susan doing? and gauge his reaction.

OP: I mean that’s the problem- he never mentioned “Susan.” I don’t think he’s ever mentioned her name. Even though they text frequently (almost all about work) and apparently have had drinks a handful of times.

[Anonymous]

I’m a DH who doesn’t have a work wife, but if I did, I would not mention it to DW. She would assume an affair, even if I had no intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just keep you eyes open and continue to monitor. Occasionally ask How’s Susan doing? and gauge his reaction.

OP: I mean that’s the problem- he never mentioned “Susan.” I don’t think he’s ever mentioned her name. Even though they text frequently (almost all about work) and apparently have had drinks a handful of times.

What is “frequent” texting? Weekly? Daily? Hourly?

[Anonymous]

This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a history of snooping or being accusatory? I wouldn’t automatically jump to an affair like every other person here, but if you’ve made his life difficult by being a snoop and making accusations or acting jealously, I can see why he would hide something innocuous just to avoid the inevitable lecture and fight.

I’m not convinced this is the first time you stopped through his sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Snooped not stopped

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

Not saying anything kills me because it’s affecting how I interact with him. I’m mad and probably cold because I’m pissed and anxious that he hiding something. But as I said I’m afraid to drive this further nderground. My best case resolution would be something like - he says he’s been hiding this friend from me because he thought I would be jealous and he feels bad about it, and then it’s out in the open and not a problem anymore. I have close male work friends I socialize with but am Not trying to sleep with, why can’t he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a history of snooping or being accusatory? I wouldn’t automatically jump to an affair like every other person here, but if you’ve made his life difficult by being a snoop and making accusations or acting jealously, I can see why he would hide something innocuous just to avoid the inevitable lecture and fight.

I’m not convinced this is the first time you stopped through his sh*t.

OP: no history of snooping or accusing him of anything. Nothing like that. I don’t know why he’s hiding this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

Not saying anything kills me because it’s affecting how I interact with him. I’m mad and probably cold because I’m pissed and anxious that he hiding something. But as I said I’m afraid to drive this further nderground. My best case resolution would be something like - he says he’s been hiding this friend from me because he thought I would be jealous and he feels bad about it, and then it’s out in the open and not a problem anymore. I have close male work friends I socialize with but am Not trying to sleep with, why can’t he?

Or just maybe he's not mentioning it because it's just work? Especially if all the texts are work related? I have several work colleagues who I travel with and am friendly with but there is absolutely nothing going on. It wouldn't occur to me to tell DH about my interactions with these work colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how my office affair started. I wouldn’t say anything but I would pay attention.

Not saying anything kills me because it’s affecting how I interact with him. I’m mad and probably cold because I’m pissed and anxious that he hiding something. But as I said I’m afraid to drive this further nderground. My best case resolution would be something like - he says he’s been hiding this friend from me because he thought I would be jealous and he feels bad about it, and then it’s out in the open and not a problem anymore. I have close male work friends I socialize with but am Not trying to sleep with, why can’t he?

Or just maybe he's not mentioning it because it's just work? Especially if all the texts are work related? I have several work colleagues who I travel with and am friendly with but there is absolutely nothing going on. It wouldn't occur to me to tell DH about my interactions with these work colleagues.

I totally agree with this, except he hid going out to drinks with her. Like he said I did X but really he did X then went out to drinks with her and never mentioned the drinks with her. Again being optimistic about this I just think he’s being dumb like “well I’ve never mentioned her to wife so now it would be easier to just not mention her at all.” But when I tell myself that’s what’s going on I feel like a fool.

[Anonymous]

work spouse of any kind just seems ripe for an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not mentioning it is not the same as hiding it. It may not be important enough to mention.

+1, esp if you guys frequently do things independent of each other with other people