Spouse hiding work-wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband seems to be hiding his “work wife.” Unfortunately I know because I have looked at his texts. They don’t seem to be more than close work colleagues, but my husband doesn’t talk about her. I know they’ve had drinks together a few times without mentioning it - most recently he said he went out to a work parry and everyone got drinks after, but the texts show that he left the one work full function to meet the work wife for a drink afterwards. As further background, I had a work husband of my own at my last job who I was very close to, but I was very open about it with my husband - talking about the work colleague openly and our plans to get drinks, etc. my husband has never mentioned the work wife.

I don’t know what to do. Nothing? I shouldn’t be looking at his texts, I know that. Which complicates talking to him about this. I could probably raise a question about drinks I see on bank statements, but should I? Or try to get at this another way? My optimistic side says he may just be hiding this because he thinks I would be jealous, and doesn’t want to deal with that when he knows their relationship is innocent. Should I just make it clear that I would support him having work relationships like the one I have with my work-spouse?

As best you can tell, how long has this been going on?

[Anonymous]

It seems that a lot of people use in vogue words now ... you may be making a mountain out of a molehill OP.

[Anonymous]

Hire a PI

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to constructively have The Conversation.

I agree with PPs that it might just make him go underground, however; it *sounds like* the beginning of the affair...the crush stage, where nothing sexual has happened yet (except in the DH's mind).

So the best chance to save the situation is to get to it now, nipping it in the bud. Because if you wait and wait, snooping more to gather more evidence, all the while their relationship is getting more and more serious and there is more chance that the actual physical affair may start.

Hi - curious if this poster has personal experience with cheating spouses. I desperately want to get this out in the open. But so scared to drive it underground. Or just to not get to the bottom of the real issue. I could see DH apologizing and falling back in line after we talk, but does this address the problems or feelings that drove him to this behavior and hiding from me...

It’s killing me knowing but being afraid to confront him over it.

[Anonymous]

Red flag

[Anonymous]

What prompted you to look thru his phone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What prompted you to look thru his phone?

Honestly I think I was just feeling distant and wanted to just peek into what was going on in his head, as seen through texts and browser stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What prompted you to look thru his phone?

Honestly I think I was just feeling distant and wanted to just peek into what was going on in his head, as seen through texts and browser stuff.

Have you talked to him about feeling distant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to constructively have The Conversation.

I agree with PPs that it might just make him go underground, however; it *sounds like* the beginning of the affair...the crush stage, where nothing sexual has happened yet (except in the DH's mind).

So the best chance to save the situation is to get to it now, nipping it in the bud. Because if you wait and wait, snooping more to gather more evidence, all the while their relationship is getting more and more serious and there is more chance that the actual physical affair may start.

Hi - curious if this poster has personal experience with cheating spouses. I desperately want to get this out in the open. But so scared to drive it underground. Or just to not get to the bottom of the real issue. I could see DH apologizing and falling back in line after we talk, but does this address the problems or feelings that drove him to this behavior and hiding from me...

It’s killing me knowing but being afraid to confront him over it.

Trust me, been there, done that. The waiting and not confronting is the worst but it is absolutely necessary if you ever want to learn the truth. You may continue to monitor and learn there is nothing to worry about. Wouldn't that be the best feeling? However, if there is something to worry about, the ONLY way you will ever know the full story is by keeping what you know a secret for now and discovering it on your own. If there is something to hide, your husband will NEVER confess to the full story. Ever.

You have to find the patience deep inside or you will never know.

[Anonymous]

No married individual should ever be having drinks w/another individual if they are married & of the opposite gender.

It’s just common sense here folks.

OP:
If your husband is not cheating already.....then it is only a true matter of time before he does.

You currently feel that he seems distant.
Now you know the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going for a drink after a work happy hour is not what you do with your work wife imo. That’s not a bitch session, that’s a date. Sorry to say it.

I think you snooped, but I think you should come clean. Let him be mad or whatever but just take responsibility for the snooping (an appropriate level - it was a breach of trust but not some huge betrayal). Don’t pay too much attention to his reaction - time to focus on yourself. Your health, your job, your hobbies. Whatever is going on with your husband is going to go on or not no matter what magic words you say.

Wait, what? Are you serious? Would you say the same if he had gone with a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to constructively have The Conversation.

I agree with PPs that it might just make him go underground, however; it *sounds like* the beginning of the affair...the crush stage, where nothing sexual has happened yet (except in the DH's mind).

So the best chance to save the situation is to get to it now, nipping it in the bud. Because if you wait and wait, snooping more to gather more evidence, all the while their relationship is getting more and more serious and there is more chance that the actual physical affair may start.

Hi - curious if this poster has personal experience with cheating spouses. I desperately want to get this out in the open. But so scared to drive it underground. Or just to not get to the bottom of the real issue. I could see DH apologizing and falling back in line after we talk, but does this address the problems or feelings that drove him to this behavior and hiding from me...

It’s killing me knowing but being afraid to confront him over it.

Trust me, been there, done that. The waiting and not confronting is the worst but it is absolutely necessary if you ever want to learn the truth. You may continue to monitor and learn there is nothing to worry about. Wouldn't that be the best feeling? However, if there is something to worry about, the ONLY way you will ever know the full story is by keeping what you know a secret for now and discovering it on your own. If there is something to hide, your husband will NEVER confess to the full story. Ever.

You have to find the patience deep inside or you will never know.

+1. I understand the temptation is strong to confront, but you really do lose the ability to find out the whole truth if you do. Do you really want to know the truth? Some don't.

[Anonymous]

You need to have it cold before you confront

Took me a month plus but having that information allowed me to control the discussion after the confrontation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have it cold before you confront

Took me a month plus but having that information allowed me to control the discussion after the confrontation

+1.

[Anonymous]

I may have missed this, but does your DH talk about work often? How specific is he with details? If he doesn’t talk much about work in general then I wouldn’t assume there’s anything going on just because he hasn’t specifically mentioned this woman. Now, if he’s a chatterbox and has never mentioned this woman, I can see why it would give you pause to find the texts.

I work closely with my male colleagues and we will travel together every so often. We’ve gone to dinner or gotten drinks together while traveling, just the two of us. And then when we arrive back at the hotel, we go our separate ways. We are friendly and get along well but it’s never crossed a line. Not even close. I also wouldn’t think anything of it to grab drinks together at the end of the day while we are both in the office.

I’m pretty open with my DH about all of this (he couldn’t care less) but I know a few of my male colleagues are not as frank with their wives. I think they don’t mention a lot of what goes on because it will create issues at home where there are none. Whether that’s a legit concern or whether they’re just being idiots, I don’t know.