If you cheated and stayed married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I think the reasons you cite ... "it felt good" "It made me feel young" and most importantly, "I wanted to step away from real life, this husband, and challenging children and have some uncomplicated, selfish me time ..." resonate with me. I have excuses, of course. I have some resentment directed at my husband for action/behavior that let me and our family down. I'm still married, but shouldn't be. I'm still married, but not a loving wife. I'm still married and faking it much of the time. Husband is a fine person. No plans to divorce. Hoping I'll curl out of the U-curve of unhappiness and discontent soon.

You sound like the prototypical sexless wife who stays married (for convenience/finances/security) despite boredom, resentment, and contempt towards DH. I hope you (unlike most on DCUM) understand he is not just taking care of himself in the shower. Fortunately for your DH, there are plenty of sexless bored wives like you who will fall right into bed with him after a bit of flirting and male attention. Is this not exactly what happened? Another happy DADT marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

You need to dig deep and come to a conclusion as to why you broke your vows, since you said you weren’t unhappy or unfulfilled, and work on that or else you just may repeat it. You asked in your original post about straying again. Do you think you’d stray again?

No, I wouldn’t stray again. It was stupid, and I regret nearly throwing everything away. Maybe I already did throw everything away. I don’t know how to repair this. I don’t think I had a deep reason for doing it, just...stupidity. Taking everything for granted. Letting myself get carried away. I would never do it again.

What kind of stupidity are you talking about? You slept with her best friend stupidity? Or sister? You got a bj from a street walker stupidity? You had a long term affair stupidity? You had a one night stand stupidity? Also, how was your relationship around the time of your affair? Were you an involved husband and father? Did you share household duties? Share parental duties?

I’m my case my husband had a long term affair with a coworker. And what really helped me even begin to think about trusting him again was that he laid out what exactly he had done and when he done it in the beginning. I didn’t gave to go through countless cc accounts or phone records or texts to get the truth. But I did verify. He showed remorse day one. He didn’t try to blame me in no way from day one. It’s been a long road and we are still on the road to reconciliation even after two years from me finding out. He’s been patient when I trigger. He’s been patient and has been putting me and our kids first and seemed as though he’s abandoned his selfish ways. But even with all of that, I still have my sad moments where I wish it never happened. Will I truly forgive? Who knows but I know I will never forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

I know the first PP is off-topic, but why the nasty reply?

Her reply was nasty, and so is your “naïveté”. Cut to the chase next time and write that you hate the OP, etc. It’s tiresome.

Another nasty one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

I know the first PP is off-topic, but why the nasty reply?

Her reply was nasty, and so is your “naïveté”. Cut to the chase next time and write that you hate the OP, etc. It’s tiresome.

My question wasn’t directed at you. Your response is odd.

[Anonymous]

ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

You need to dig deep and come to a conclusion as to why you broke your vows, since you said you weren’t unhappy or unfulfilled, and work on that or else you just may repeat it. You asked in your original post about straying again. Do you think you’d stray again?

No, I wouldn’t stray again. It was stupid, and I regret nearly throwing everything away. Maybe I already did throw everything away. I don’t know how to repair this. I don’t think I had a deep reason for doing it, just...stupidity. Taking everything for granted. Letting myself get carried away. I would never do it again.

Are you in individual therapy? That is where you are going to figure out the why. And it seems like the why has to do with you and not your marriage. It’ll probably be a combination of “I’m getting older and she made me feel young again. even if she herself isn’t young. The jolt that sexual energy makes every feel young. “It felt good. No underlying reason other than it felt good. And I compartmentalized married me from selfish me.” Or “real life is messy and complicated. And affairs are easy and uncomplicated. I wanted to step away from real life.”

Go talk to a therapist. When doing root cause analysis, ask 5 whys. Meaning, every time you think of a reason, ask why. Once you answer it, ask why again. Keep going until you get to the heart. She can’t move forward until she knows why because if you don’t know why, how can she ever trust you won’t fall into another affair?

Why do you assume the cheater here is a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

You are not and never will be happily married. Don't kid yourself and don't assume he doesn't know.

LOL maybe I wasn't clear. We were happy for most of the 25 years and he doesn't know.

You wouldn't have gotten divorced if it was a happy marriage!

Let me tell you, people catch deceitful people one way or another. If you're a cheater no doubt you're a liar and cheater in other areas as well.

The fact you believe not getting caught was essential shows the kind of person you are.

It wasn't that happy the last five years and I wasn't cheating then. But I'm very happily divorced and have been for years. I am not a liar or a cheater in other areas. I don't really care what kind of person you think I am but I do care what kind of person my ex thinks I am and he and I are good FRIENDS! You are really very smug and self-righteous. I stand by what I said, if you want to stay married hope like hell they never find out. That means your dalliance didn't cause them immeasurable pain and heartache. And by the way, my cheating consisted of a ONS and a three night fling, not a long term affair. You really don't know everything you know.

I wouldn't cheat so that's not something I would ever have to worry about. You may not be good friends if he found out.

A ONS or 3 night fling is still cheating and pretty low. However you cut it, shows a HUGE personality flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

Why? They have a valid point. If she has sex she'll never know if he's cheating, and passing along a serious STD. It's a big risk, not to mention it's already destroyed so much.

+1 agreed. When people think about cheating, they only think about the relationship aspect. However, there are so many other issues at play. STDs, as PP mentioned, which can cause lifelong damage and harm the fetus of a pregnant woman, etc. Financial infidelity often occurs hand and hand and can destroy the innocent spouse's future. The list goes on and on and on.

Our friend died of HPV throat cancer age 43. We still talk about him. He had a masters degree, but for some reason married the bartender that was very pretty BUT promiscuous. I had her number right away, but never thought about deadly STDs. I have zero doubt she gave it to him. Now she's dating and found a boyfriend. It's something people won't talk about, nor will you see ads on TV etc. but it's out there. My other friends son-in-law died the same way. His ex gave it to him. I never knew anything about it until our friend died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

You need to dig deep and come to a conclusion as to why you broke your vows, since you said you weren’t unhappy or unfulfilled, and work on that or else you just may repeat it. You asked in your original post about straying again. Do you think you’d stray again?

No, I wouldn’t stray again. It was stupid, and I regret nearly throwing everything away. Maybe I already did throw everything away. I don’t know how to repair this. I don’t think I had a deep reason for doing it, just...stupidity. Taking everything for granted. Letting myself get carried away. I would never do it again.

Are you in individual therapy? That is where you are going to figure out the why. And it seems like the why has to do with you and not your marriage. It’ll probably be a combination of “I’m getting older and she made me feel young again. even if she herself isn’t young. The jolt that sexual energy makes every feel young. “It felt good. No underlying reason other than it felt good. And I compartmentalized married me from selfish me.” Or “real life is messy and complicated. And affairs are easy and uncomplicated. I wanted to step away from real life.”

Go talk to a therapist. When doing root cause analysis, ask 5 whys. Meaning, every time you think of a reason, ask why. Once you answer it, ask why again. Keep going until you get to the heart. She can’t move forward until she knows why because if you don’t know why, how can she ever trust you won’t fall into another affair?

NP here. I think the reasons you cite ... "it felt good" "It made me feel young" and most importantly, "I wanted to step away from real life, this husband, and challenging children and have some uncomplicated, selfish me time ..." resonate with me. I have excuses, of course. I have some resentment directed at my husband for action/behavior that let me and our family down. I'm still married, but shouldn't be. I'm still married, but not a loving wife. I'm still married and faking it much of the time. Husband is a fine person. No plans to divorce. Hoping I'll curl out of the U-curve of unhappiness and discontent soon.

Whatever you do, please model respect towards your DH. I lived in a home that the two people showed in little tiny ways just how much contempt they had for each other. It really f-ed my up. Yes, my parents stayed together, but it still damaged me. The goal isn't to have an intact family. It's to have a happy loving intact family. I would suggest reading some John Gottman books. Maybe even go to a weekend workshop (given by Gottman trained therapists). Your children deserve to see two parents who love and respect each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we just be honest about it? No one person can satisfy another's total needs. It would be better for people to come up with an arrangement that works for them rather than going through all the lying and cover ups. I used to be disgusted at swingers, but if a couple swaps with another and has communicated boundaries, why is that a problem?

+1 the fact that so many couples have to spend time and money on counseling and other ways to reignite attraction and their sex drives after many years suggests the social expectation isn’t quite panning out. I mean, really, let’s face it. We live an average 70, 80 years and maybe 40 or 50 of those years not just sleeping with but supposedly being best friends with the same person, meaning you shouldn’t even have emotional ties anyone of the opposite (or same) sex you have an attraction to. Maybe it worked when we were kept in line by religious institutions and died by 40 of a toothache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. I think the reasons you cite ... "it felt good" "It made me feel young" and most importantly, "I wanted to step away from real life, this husband, and challenging children and have some uncomplicated, selfish me time ..." resonate with me. I have excuses, of course. I have some resentment directed at my husband for action/behavior that let me and our family down. I'm still married, but shouldn't be. I'm still married, but not a loving wife. I'm still married and faking it much of the time. Husband is a fine person. No plans to divorce. Hoping I'll curl out of the U-curve of unhappiness and discontent soon.

Whatever you do, please model respect towards your DH. I lived in a home that the two people showed in little tiny ways just how much contempt they had for each other. It really f-ed my up. Yes, my parents stayed together, but it still damaged me. The goal isn't to have an intact family. It's to have a happy loving intact family. I would suggest reading some John Gottman books. Maybe even go to a weekend workshop (given by Gottman trained therapists). Your children deserve to see two parents who love and respect each other.

There is plenty of overt respect. We work well together as a team and don't share any discontent and definitely don't trash talk each other. Yes, we are intimate.

I just don't feel it is real.