If you cheated and stayed married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. I think the reasons you cite ... "it felt good" "It made me feel young" and most importantly, "I wanted to step away from real life, this husband, and challenging children and have some uncomplicated, selfish me time ..." resonate with me. I have excuses, of course. I have some resentment directed at my husband for action/behavior that let me and our family down. I'm still married, but shouldn't be. I'm still married, but not a loving wife. I'm still married and faking it much of the time. Husband is a fine person. No plans to divorce. Hoping I'll curl out of the U-curve of unhappiness and discontent soon.

Whatever you do, please model respect towards your DH. I lived in a home that the two people showed in little tiny ways just how much contempt they had for each other. It really f-ed my up. Yes, my parents stayed together, but it still damaged me. The goal isn't to have an intact family. It's to have a happy loving intact family. I would suggest reading some John Gottman books. Maybe even go to a weekend workshop (given by Gottman trained therapists). Your children deserve to see two parents who love and respect each other.

There is plenty of overt respect. We work well together as a team and don't share any discontent and definitely don't trash talk each other. Yes, we are intimate.

I just don't feel it is real.

Why doesn’t it feel real?

From what you’ve said here, that sounds like a you-thing not an us-thing.

[Anonymous]

Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Yeah, like if the sex is infrequent and no fun, but you still love and get along with your partner and want to keep the family intact until the kids are raised. And then, if you actually totally lose all desire for your partner, you are looking at years and years of celibacy or just plain infrequent, no fun sex. Some of you high and mighty judgmental people must not be in this situation so how would you really know what you would do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

If my husband got someone else pregnant and then ignored that child, I would have zero respect for him. That child is innocent and didn't choose to be created by two selfish people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Why not just end the relationship before resorting to cheating? Or try counseling? Isn't that the better, more decent course of action?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone actually gone on to have a good marital relationship with their spouse after spouse was caught cheating? Cheating as in a long-term affair, possibly more than one affair, and spouse lying about all of it? It is hard to imagine ever being in a trusting relationship with someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

Ending a marriage can take years. You don’t just click your fingers and boom, the marriage is over. Many stats have a one year waiting period before you can even file. That’s if everyone decides they want to end the marriage. If one party fights over assets, it could take years to divorce. Divorce laws make it more difficult to just end the marriage. And exit affair can make it easier to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

Ending a marriage can take years. You don’t just click your fingers and boom, the marriage is over. Many stats have a one year waiting period before you can even file. That’s if everyone decides they want to end the marriage. If one party fights over assets, it could take years to divorce. Divorce laws make it more difficult to just end the marriage. And exit affair can make it easier to leave.

So get the ball rolling, tell them you want out, and then go be with someone else. It doesn't take two willing people to get divorced; it takes one willing person. There's not the option of one spouse "disallowing" a divorce. It's cowardly and deceptive to sneak around having an affair while your spouse is oblivious snd selfish to stay married just to maintain your assets and pre-divorce standard of living. Live an authentic life; be true to yourself and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

Maybe she would have, if she'd known you were habing an affair. Why stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? To make your life easier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

Ending a marriage can take years. You don’t just click your fingers and boom, the marriage is over. Many stats have a one year waiting period before you can even file. That’s if everyone decides they want to end the marriage. If one party fights over assets, it could take years to divorce. Divorce laws make it more difficult to just end the marriage. And exit affair can make it easier to leave.

So get the ball rolling, tell them you want out, and then go be with someone else. It doesn't take two willing people to get divorced; it takes one willing person. There's not the option of one spouse "disallowing" a divorce. It's cowardly and deceptive to sneak around having an affair while your spouse is oblivious snd selfish to stay married just to maintain your assets and pre-divorce standard of living. Live an authentic life; be true to yourself and others.

There is no deception, no cowardice, no sneaking around if you simply declare the marriage open. Let the abnormal sexless spouse get the ball rolling if they want out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

Maybe she would have, if she'd known you were habing an affair. Why stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? To make your life easier?

Go ask the sexless wife why SHE stays married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with. Those same reason(s) apply to the normal libido partner.