If you cheated and stayed married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to know if you cheated,

I did.

Anonymous wrote:stay married,

We did.

Anonymous wrote:how much do you still miss

I do, quite a bit, and we are still seeing each other, albeit less frequently.

Anonymous wrote:or fantasize about your AP.

Whenever I have sex with my spouse, or masturbate (for the most part)

wait -- so you never ended your affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I don't like jerks who are the first ones to respond but immediately stray off topic completely ignoring the initial question(s) presented and totally disrespecting the original poster. Start your own damn thread next time you thoughtless jackass.

My goodness! Hit a raw nerve, didn't it!

[Anonymous]

I went outside the marriage and we tried for a year. Every time a show came on TV about infidelity, it was painful.

I did the crime and did the time. We separated and divorced. We speak, no kids involved and wish her the best.

Good luck and do whatever it takes to not get divorced.

[Anonymous]

My spouse cheated and we are still married. I’m in it for the kids, only.

Marriage really ended when affair was exposed. Now we’re just “living together” which I’m 100% ok with because I can be with my kids 100% of the time.

In my case, marriage is irreconcilable once other people are introduced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse cheated and we are still married. I’m in it for the kids, only.

Marriage really ended when affair was exposed. Now we’re just “living together” which I’m 100% ok with because I can be with my kids 100% of the time.

In my case, marriage is irreconcilable once other people are introduced.

Do you think this is holding you back from moving forward in your own life, though? I'm in the same boat as you and also think the marriage is irreconcilable. I understand your position, but wonder if I'd look back and regret not getting divorced a few years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to know if you cheated,

I did.

Anonymous wrote:stay married,

We did.

Anonymous wrote:how much do you still miss

I do, quite a bit, and we are still seeing each other, albeit less frequently.

Anonymous wrote:or fantasize about your AP.

Whenever I have sex with my spouse, or masturbate (for the most part)

Wow.

Why is any of this surprising?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

OP there is always something that led to the affair... Do some therapy/guided writing about it and you may be surprised by what you find out. I found myself in a close situation.... Maybe an emotional affair that could have led somewhere -- while in a very happy marriage. After months of writing and analysis, I realized it was a reaction to my husband entertaining the flirtations of a friend of ours. Once I realized that and talked it over with him, my emotional affair completely ended and I lost my desire for the other guy -- it was related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Focus on being a good father, in addition to paying the child support. A good wife will forgive you, and support you being a good father.

He already said he doesn't have any contact with her. She chose to have the child which he probably didn't have a say. His choice is to make a family with his wife.

That's messed up...
Dude you ain't got no contact with you kid at all???

Why should he? Because of obligation? That won't make a good father. Either be a 100%, or completely get out of the situation.

The worst thing for a child is a guy in and out of their life. Honestly, if my spouse/bf got another woman pregnant I would be out of there. If I were to stay he would have to completely get rid of this woman, kid of not. A sperm donor means nothing. I think when you decide to have a child, and aren't in a relationship you need to accept all the responsibility. His is only financial which he is meeting.

Agreed. Men have no choice in the matter. He probably would have aborted. Didn't want kid. The woman makes the decision and it should be mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse cheated and we are still married. I’m in it for the kids, only.

Marriage really ended when affair was exposed. Now we’re just “living together” which I’m 100% ok with because I can be with my kids 100% of the time.

In my case, marriage is irreconcilable once other people are introduced.

Do you think this is holding you back from moving forward in your own life, though? I'm in the same boat as you and also think the marriage is irreconcilable. I understand your position, but wonder if I'd look back and regret not getting divorced a few years from now.

I am not PP but in the same situation. I have no interest in dating, much less potentially exposing my children to strange men. I've seen a lot of blended families and it's hard at best. Easier to stay married. I'll reevaluate once the kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse cheated and we are still married. I’m in it for the kids, only.

Marriage really ended when affair was exposed. Now we’re just “living together” which I’m 100% ok with because I can be with my kids 100% of the time.

In my case, marriage is irreconcilable once other people are introduced.

Do you think this is holding you back from moving forward in your own life, though? I'm in the same boat as you and also think the marriage is irreconcilable. I understand your position, but wonder if I'd look back and regret not getting divorced a few years from now.

I am not PP but in the same situation. I have no interest in dating, much less potentially exposing my children to strange men. I've seen a lot of blended families and it's hard at best. Easier to stay married. I'll reevaluate once the kids are grown.

\
Interesting perspectives. I'm also in the same boat but haven't decided what to do yet. I don't know that it will be "easy" to stay married. Also, my kids are not super young (but not yet grown or out of the house), so I don't want to model a bad marriage. Wondering if it is enough just to attempt civility in front of them...while sleeping in separate parts of the house.