If you cheated and stayed married

[Anonymous]

If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

[Anonymous]

If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

Way to answer the question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I kind of hope your husband cheats a ton.

[Anonymous]

You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

[Anonymous]

My ex would have had to admit what he did, expressed remorse, cut off all contact with his affair partner (including transfering jobs or resigning), provide me all access to his accounts, and start individual therapy on his own to find out why he decided to cheat rather than use his big boy words to tell me what he was going through and why he was struggling.

Then I might have entertained marriage counseling. But the trickle truth, gas lighting, and displaced anger focusing on how horrible I was doomed it from the start.

[Anonymous]

The infidelity didn’t happen during marriage, it happened prior to marriage and 2 years before we got engaged.

We were in a LDR for 6 months and there was some mutual cheating going on :/ it sounds terrible and neither one of us is proud about it. The reality is we should have been honest with each other in the early stages of dating and agreed that we would spend time with each other when we could but there shouldn’t have been the guise of exclusivity. He was working out of town for 3+ months at a time and I was living 4+ hours away.

DH didn’t tell me until nearly 2 years after we were married. DH found out prior to our marriage.

I was pissed because I more likely than not would have reconsidered the marriage had I known. But honestly, it’s been so long since then and I love DH with all my heart, I can’t imagine my life without him. He is my best friend.

When it came down to it, I had to ask myself if the act was egregious enough to end our marriage and the life we have together now. The answer was: it wasn’t.

We spent 6 months in therapy and moved on.

We also dealt with other things no couple ever wants to: serious illness in both of us, serious illness in a parent, financial issues, job losses, major unexpected house repairs.

We’re alot more equipped to deal with things now. We have better communication. Infidelity doesn’t have to end a marriage, but all situations are marriages are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I agree. I've known friends had to stay for various realities.

Once someone cheats during the marriage it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex would have had to admit what he did, expressed remorse, cut off all contact with his affair partner (including transfering jobs or resigning), provide me all access to his accounts, and start individual therapy on his own to find out why he decided to cheat rather than use his big boy words to tell me what he was going through and why he was struggling.

Then I might have entertained marriage counseling. But the trickle truth, gas lighting, and displaced anger focusing on how horrible I was doomed it from the start.

+1
I feel like I could have written this word for word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling.

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time.

You need to dig deep and come to a conclusion as to why you broke your vows, since you said you weren’t unhappy or unfulfilled, and work on that or else you just may repeat it. You asked in your original post about straying again. Do you think you’d stray again?

[Anonymous]

I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

You are not and never will be happily married. Don't kid yourself and don't assume he doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

You are not and never will be happily married. Don't kid yourself and don't assume he doesn't know.

LOL maybe I wasn't clear. We were happy for most of the 25 years and he doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated twice during my 25 year marriage. He never knew about either one. We got divorced for other reasons. That was a long time ago and we are still friends.

Best way to stay happily married is for the spouse to never find out.

You are not and never will be happily married. Don't kid yourself and don't assume he doesn't know.

This is why pp is divorced. He knew what she was.