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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You show completely remorse - an understanding of how your actions impacted your spouse and kids (directly or through the impact on your spouse).

You provide transparency and answer honestly any questions your spouse wants answered. You make sure that if you are holding some info back (to protect your spouse) or if you have lied about anything - that you come clean. Finding out new or changed details later is often the nail in the coffin.

You accept that you swung a wrecking ball through the house that is your marriage. Whether or not the foundation is still intact enough to rebuild on takes time to determine.

Realize that for the first 2-3 years after discovering the affair, your spouses processing of the event and feelings about it will continue to change. You need to accept that months from now there can be periods of mistrust or anger or a need to revisit it. It is a loss and there is grief and it takes time to process.

Visit survivinginfidelity website. they have a forum on reconciling and first hand experiences from people who have been both successful and unsuccessful at reconciling. [/quote]

Thank you, this was helpful. One of the issues I struggle with is answering the questions, particularly the ones about why it happened - I truthfully don’t know. I can identify that I had poor boundaries and got caught up in some stupid feeling of excitement, but it’s not like I was seeking this out. I was not unhappy or unfulfilled in the marriage, which my spouse is having a hard time with (understandably). I was just a really stupid thing to do, and I can’t identify with what I was thinking/feeling at the time. [/quote]

You need to dig deep and come to a conclusion as to why you broke your vows, since you said you weren’t unhappy or unfulfilled, and work on that or else you just may repeat it. You asked in your original post about straying again. Do you think you’d stray again?[/quote]

No, I wouldn’t stray again. It was stupid, and I regret nearly throwing everything away. Maybe I already did throw everything away. I don’t know how to repair this. I don’t think I had a deep reason for doing it, just...stupidity. Taking everything for granted. Letting myself get carried away. I would never do it again.[/quote]

What kind of stupidity are you talking about? You slept with her best friend stupidity? Or sister? You got a bj from a street walker stupidity? You had a long term affair stupidity? You had a one night stand stupidity? Also, how was your relationship around the time of your affair? Were you an involved husband and father? Did you share household duties? Share parental duties?

I’m my case my husband had a long term affair with a coworker. And what really helped me even begin to think about trusting him again was that he laid out what exactly he had done and when he done it in the beginning. I didn’t gave to go through countless cc accounts or phone records or texts to get the truth. But I did verify. He showed remorse day one. He didn’t try to blame me in no way from day one. It’s been a long road and we are still on the road to reconciliation even after two years from me finding out. He’s been patient when I trigger. He’s been patient and has been putting me and our kids first and seemed as though he’s abandoned his selfish ways. But even with all of that, I still have my sad moments where I wish it never happened. Will I truly forgive? Who knows but I know I will never forget. [/quote]

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