If you cheated and stayed married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people deserve to be cheated on. Waaaah, but it’s true.

Such as a wife who at age 55 has decided she is done with sex?

Yes, that is a perfect example. Why even ask such an obvious question?

Why does that person "deserve" to be cheated on? Why not just end the marriage first?

If the done-with-sex-wife wanted to divorce, she would have divorced, right? So why divorce a woman who wants to stay married?

Maybe she would have, if she'd known you were habing an affair. Why stay married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? To make your life easier?

Go ask the sexless wife why SHE stays married to someone who doesn't want to have sex with. Those same reason(s) apply to the normal libido partner.

+1
And I don’t buy that women heading into menopause are all just turning frigid. I bet a lot of them just need the chance to enjoy someone new because things got too damn dull after 30 years— but it’s a major problem to admit that so it’s easier to blame the hormones.

You have to be a male, stupid or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

Not really, to be honest. It was a few years ago and things seemingly are back to normal. I don't see how some grand confession serves any purpose anymore than someone coming home now and admitting to an affair years ago.

[Anonymous]

I want to know if you cheated, stay married, how much do you still miss or fantasize about your AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

NP. This also happened to me. Spouse denied. I played detective. Spouse then acknowledged something but lied some more. I played detective some more, and found out spouse was lying. I kicked spouse out of house and have full custody of our children, who, because lying is corrosive to all relationships, have little respect for him even though they don't know about his cheating and lying vis-a-vis me.

I'm sure my now exDH thought he got away with it. It did take about 2 years to unravel fully. It's really sad that he lied when confronted - for me, because he wasted 2 years of my life and caused me even further pain; for him, because I was willing to reconcile, and further lying really killed that, and meant that he lived those two years with a sword of Damocles over his head, which was very anxiety provoking for him, and then the shock of having lost everything.

You might think you've gotten away with it, but you have no idea what your wife knows or doesn't know. She may leave you tomorrow or 10 years from now when the kids are grown.

Also, BTW, your pathologically sick for preferring to gaslight your wife (" I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen") than to accept any consequences from your own behavior (cheating). The fact that you stated that preference so clearly is really messed up. Hope you are in therapy and striving to be honest and make amends one day, but somehow I don't think that is the case.

You sound like a psycho. Who takes full custody because of cheating?!

Signed,
DW whose husband cheated

FWIW, I did not “take” full custody. I offered 50/50 and exDH chose never to pursue custody - he has never so much as bought an air mattress for his kids, let alone invited them for regular overnights. I, however, have continued to host him in my home 2-3 times a week to have dinner and visit with the kids. I have led the horse to water, but I cannot make him drink.

So, I am definitely not the psycho, but thanks for trying to bully me.

FWIW, the same traits that lead a person to cheat - lying, lack of self-honesty, inability to empathize with others, inability to put others first, inability to communicate, inability to negotiate confluct - also often lead cheaters to be bad parents. So it was in our case. However, I say “often” not “always”. I do believe that some small percentage of cheaters are changed by the experience and tell the truth and learn some of these skills, even if my exDH did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this counts: My spouse confronted me, I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen. But anyway, it did scare me straight and made me realize while it was fun it wasn't worth risking my family. Also, I now can spot the signs an affair is blossoming and cut it off before the next step.

You sound just like my husband. Denied and lied to me about everything he possibly could and explained everything away. But I did a lot of my own homework and found evidence to confirm much of what he lied about. Don't assume this won't happen to you. Do you feel any guilt about lying?

NP. This also happened to me. Spouse denied. I played detective. Spouse then acknowledged something but lied some more. I played detective some more, and found out spouse was lying. I kicked spouse out of house and have full custody of our children, who, because lying is corrosive to all relationships, have little respect for him even though they don't know about his cheating and lying vis-a-vis me.

I'm sure my now exDH thought he got away with it. It did take about 2 years to unravel fully. It's really sad that he lied when confronted - for me, because he wasted 2 years of my life and caused me even further pain; for him, because I was willing to reconcile, and further lying really killed that, and meant that he lived those two years with a sword of Damocles over his head, which was very anxiety provoking for him, and then the shock of having lost everything.

You might think you've gotten away with it, but you have no idea what your wife knows or doesn't know. She may leave you tomorrow or 10 years from now when the kids are grown.

Also, BTW, your pathologically sick for preferring to gaslight your wife (" I denied it, I had enough to plausibly deny and not enough evidence for spouse to confirm which gives spouse a sense of perhaps it didn't happen") than to accept any consequences from your own behavior (cheating). The fact that you stated that preference so clearly is really messed up. Hope you are in therapy and striving to be honest and make amends one day, but somehow I don't think that is the case.

You sound like a psycho. Who takes full custody because of cheating?!

Signed,
DW whose husband cheated

FWIW, I did not “take” full custody. I offered 50/50 and exDH chose never to pursue custody - he has never so much as bought an air mattress for his kids, let alone invited them for regular overnights. I, however, have continued to host him in my home 2-3 times a week to have dinner and visit with the kids. I have led the horse to water, but I cannot make him drink.

So, I am definitely not the psycho, but thanks for trying to bully me.

FWIW, the same traits that lead a person to cheat - lying, lack of self-honesty, inability to empathize with others, inability to put others first, inability to communicate, inability to negotiate confluct - also often lead cheaters to be bad parents. So it was in our case. However, I say “often” not “always”. I do believe that some small percentage of cheaters are changed by the experience and tell the truth and learn some of these skills, even if my exDH did not.

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ONS prior to marriage. I was at a bad place in my life for a variety of reasons, primarily unemployment that just impacted me in a particularly negative way. Nothing to do with her, I just couldn't handle life at that point and slowly imploded in a variety of unhealthy ways that culminated in a ONS.

Turns out OW got pregnant...talk about bad luck. Other than paying CS I am completely no contact with her. I would completely block her from e-mail but I have to pay my pro rata share of the medical bills.

This happened about ten years ago so I don't remember many of the details about how we got through it. Obviously, she was very upset and I felt horrible for failing her and myself so badly. Probably at least once a day I think about how badly I screwed up. My current financial penance is working a job I don't particularly like but pays enough that the CS does not financially impact us.

Why no contact with your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I agree. I've known friends had to stay for various realities.

Once someone cheats during the marriage it's over.

This is so untrue. Infidelity is everywhere. And most marriages overcome the obstacle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I agree. I've known friends had to stay for various realities.

Once someone cheats during the marriage it's over.

This is so untrue. Infidelity is everywhere. And most marriages overcome the obstacle.

You’re probably right but I wonder about the quality of marriages after that kind of betrayal. That’s not really talked about and I think that’s the core of OPs question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I agree. I've known friends had to stay for various realities.

Once someone cheats during the marriage it's over.

This is so untrue. Infidelity is everywhere. And most marriages overcome the obstacle.

You’re probably right but I wonder about the quality of marriages after that kind of betrayal. That’s not really talked about and I think that’s the core of OPs question.

It can strengthen your marriage. It all depends on how the infidelity is handled and how robust are your feelings towards each other and how strong is the desire to be together.

[Anonymous]

^I was one of the posters in this thread and I while I wouldn't say the cheating made the marriage stronger I still think we have a strong marriage despite that issue. It happened, it's in the past, it will never happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I was one of the posters in this thread and I while I wouldn't say the cheating made the marriage stronger I still think we have a strong marriage despite that issue. It happened, it's in the past, it will never happen again.

How do you know it will never happen again? Or hasn't already?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I was one of the posters in this thread and I while I wouldn't say the cheating made the marriage stronger I still think we have a strong marriage despite that issue. It happened, it's in the past, it will never happen again.

How do you know it will never happen again? Or hasn't already?

The OP was asking about people that cheated so I know myself and I know I haven't cheated. While I suppose no one can be 100% sure about what the future will bring the circumstances in my life at that time won't be replicated. Somewhat related to that point now that I am 10 years older I just don't have an interest in cheating. Finally, even if I did, I have two little kids now that consume all of the time and energy that I have and if I ever had a free moment I would just sleep or relax or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you broke your vows once, why wouldn't you keep breaking them. Depending on circumstances, I might not divorce you but the marriage would be over for good. You could sleep with every woman you meet except me. I don't like liars and cheats. If you cared about your marriage, you would have worked on saving it instead of screwing around.

I agree. I've known friends had to stay for various realities.

Once someone cheats during the marriage it's over.

This is so untrue. Infidelity is everywhere. And most marriages overcome the obstacle.

You’re probably right but I wonder about the quality of marriages after that kind of betrayal. That’s not really talked about and I think that’s the core of OPs question.

It can strengthen your marriage. It all depends on how the infidelity is handled and how robust are your feelings towards each other and how strong is the desire to be together.

There are so many factors that plays into how robust feelings can be of the betrayed one can be after discovery. Was the affair long term? With her sister or best friend? With a stripper? A lapse in judgement? I wouldn’t say it depends on how it’s handled or how much you feel for your partner. Many many factors play a part in the quality of a marriage if at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

The simple answer is to rekindle the spark in your marriage BEFORE your affair. Much harder to do after the affair is discovered. And an affair is very dumb if you want to remain married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had an affair that was discovered or that you admitted, what steps did you take to save your marriage? How did you earn back the trust of your spouse? Do you know you will never stray again?

I’m asking those who wanted to remain married, not just for kids/ finances, but wanted to truly reconcile the marriage. Thanks for your insight.

I had an emotional affair. Went to marriage counseling. He pointed out to my spouse that I had been emotionally abandoned by her long before and what did she expect?