I think my husband is secretly applying for jobs outside of DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in the last year of his phd and I've been catching him look at assistant professor positions in the middle of no where. Think Ohio , Alabama , Georgia. We have talked about this so many times that it's exhausting. I won't have job opportunities in a small college town and I know I would be miserable. He seems to think if they offer him enough $$$ I will be willing to move. Job prospects for him ( statistician) are projected to be very good in this area. We have a 6 month old. I LOVE love love his daycare provider . She speaks to our baby in dh's home language and I am really happy with her. I also love my job here as well! My husband isn't from the US originally. He hasn't been to these states and I have a feeling he would be happier here. It's very important that my son grows up in a diverse environment . He's mixed ( Indian / white ). I'm not sure what I am asking here. I'm just so frustrated!

1. It appears that you are throwing up the false issue of race diversity but your real concern is YOUR job and what YOU want. It makes nice theater to make out like you are concerned about your "mixed" child growing up in a diverse environment (how can I be wrong if its about the children??).

2. Have you ever lived in these states? Your outward racial (anti-white) / class (anti- middle-class) bias is showing. You assume that "middle of nowhere" places like GA, Alabama, Ohio will be bad because they are not "diverse." I call B.S. college towns (i.e. Athens and Atlanta, et.c) always have a "diverse" community because it is full of (1) professors who are not from the U.S. (2) full of students who are not from the U.S.

3. I've never lived anywhere in the U.S. as segregated as NOVA! VA is significantly white high income while MD is significantly Black lower income. I've lived in Georgia, Mississippi, Utah, Texas, Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Washington state. Most recently I relocated to NOVA and I was floored by the clustering of similar races/income levels. This is especially the case given that the area is the bastion of democratic social values and higher education. I guess everyone here likes to look down on the reset of the country but they don't practice what the preach.

OP, do you think Texas is one of those "middle of nowhere" places, or that it isn't diverse? Houston is officially the #1 most racially and ethnically diverse city in the country (even more than NYC metro area). Just something to think about.

No. College towns = middle of no where for me. I work at a children's hospital and they're only in metro cities. We could BOTH find jobs here . Moving to a college town would mean giving up my career to stay at home . I'm not ok with that setup.

Could you replicate your career (or would you want to) at a university hospital? Or a local regional hospital?

Or, if you want to stay with Children's Hospitals, have you developed a list of cities that have them and asked your husband to only apply to hospitals in cities on the list?

There are MANY areas for middle ground between staying here and being a SAHM.

Sorry, I meant ask your husband only to apply to *universities* in cities on the list.

Not this PP, but they are absolutely wrong about "universities"--the name university does not mean anything really any more, it's about marketing.

In this case, you and your husband need to target cities and draw up a list of acceptable cities and areas around those cities. Which will require you talking to each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, your attitude is just as bad as your husband secretly applying for jobs outside DC.

This is a conversation. You and he need to talk about it like adults. He can look at jobs outside DC. He should apply for everything that he's interested in, and then you can evaluate the offers on the merits. You can do actual research into the towns where these jobs are located and work with actual information.

I have been where you are, and what we did was make a list of all the cities we would both be willing to move to. We focused on the ones that matched up and evaluated our career prospects in each. There were cities on my husband's list that there was NO WAY IN HELL I would ever agree to move to for various reasons. There were also cities on my list that he felt that way about. We crossed those off the list completely.

Right now, you are being incredibly intransigent, which is not a great way to get your husband to be forthright with you about his job search. This is not the only children's hospital in the country. My mother worked at the children's hospital in Milwaukee. A good friend works at the children's hospital in Austin. There are other options, and I think that for the sake of your marriage and the husband that you love, you should have a conversation, rather than throw around ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

I've lost any sympathy I might have had for OP after reading her responses. She sounds selfish and entitled. All the PP who suggest that she talk with her husband and work out a list of acceptable cities are absolutely correct! Marriage is about two people working together for the benefit of the whole family. Not just OP who wants to work at a children's hospital. You guys need to talk about this and I mean talk/discuss... not harass the guy and stomp around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in the last year of his phd and I've been catching him look at assistant professor positions in the middle of no where. Think Ohio , Alabama , Georgia. We have talked about this so many times that it's exhausting. I won't have job opportunities in a small college town and I know I would be miserable. He seems to think if they offer him enough $$$ I will be willing to move. Job prospects for him ( statistician) are projected to be very good in this area. We have a 6 month old. I LOVE love love his daycare provider . She speaks to our baby in dh's home language and I am really happy with her. I also love my job here as well! My husband isn't from the US originally. He hasn't been to these states and I have a feeling he would be happier here. It's very important that my son grows up in a diverse environment . He's mixed ( Indian / white ). I'm not sure what I am asking here. I'm just so frustrated!

1. It appears that you are throwing up the false issue of race diversity but your real concern is YOUR job and what YOU want. It makes nice theater to make out like you are concerned about your "mixed" child growing up in a diverse environment (how can I be wrong if its about the children??).

2. Have you ever lived in these states? Your outward racial (anti-white) / class (anti- middle-class) bias is showing. You assume that "middle of nowhere" places like GA, Alabama, Ohio will be bad because they are not "diverse." I call B.S. college towns (i.e. Athens and Atlanta, et.c) always have a "diverse" community because it is full of (1) professors who are not from the U.S. (2) full of students who are not from the U.S.

3. I've never lived anywhere in the U.S. as segregated as NOVA! VA is significantly white high income while MD is significantly Black lower income. I've lived in Georgia, Mississippi, Utah, Texas, Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Washington state. Most recently I relocated to NOVA and I was floored by the clustering of similar races/income levels. This is especially the case given that the area is the bastion of democratic social values and higher education. I guess everyone here likes to look down on the reset of the country but they don't practice what the preach.

Can confirm, SES and color really is segregated here. Yes, there are more international residents from more countries here than you will find in other places. But, college towns vary widely.

The Raleigh/Durham area in NC has a large southeast asian population and the largest Diwali festival on the east coast, for example. There are other areas that are really not diverse and would not be welcoming, just depends. It sounds like you and your husband need to talk and discuss the type of place you would like to move to. There is lots more diversity in places in Georgia and Alabama than people in DC would have you believe. On the other hand, there are lots of opportunities for statisticians in the DC area. We had to move here because my statistician DH could not get tenure in "flyover country", and one of my friends is also here for the same reason. We both intensely dislike living here, but our DH's could not find jobs anywhere else after tenure-denial. Like other posters have said, it's hard to get an academic job--and it's also hard to keep one these days. So take heart OP, your husband may have to live here (or in CA, where a lot of the stat jobs are) so you may end up where you want.

+ 1 This was my EXACT situation OP. My statistician dh could only find jobs here. We moved from one of those middle of no where states you mentioned. You will probably end up here anyway. Don't sweat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your attitude is just as bad as your husband secretly applying for jobs outside DC.

This is a conversation. You and he need to talk about it like adults. He can look at jobs outside DC. He should apply for everything that he's interested in, and then you can evaluate the offers on the merits. You can do actual research into the towns where these jobs are located and work with actual information.

I have been where you are, and what we did was make a list of all the cities we would both be willing to move to. We focused on the ones that matched up and evaluated our career prospects in each. There were cities on my husband's list that there was NO WAY IN HELL I would ever agree to move to for various reasons. There were also cities on my list that he felt that way about. We crossed those off the list completely.

Right now, you are being incredibly intransigent, which is not a great way to get your husband to be forthright with you about his job search. This is not the only children's hospital in the country. My mother worked at the children's hospital in Milwaukee. A good friend works at the children's hospital in Austin. There are other options, and I think that for the sake of your marriage and the husband that you love, you should have a conversation, rather than throw around ultimatums.

Doesn't sound like she loves him to me.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your attitude is just as bad as your husband secretly applying for jobs outside DC.

This is a conversation. You and he need to talk about it like adults. He can look at jobs outside DC. He should apply for everything that he's interested in, and then you can evaluate the offers on the merits. You can do actual research into the towns where these jobs are located and work with actual information.

I have been where you are, and what we did was make a list of all the cities we would both be willing to move to. We focused on the ones that matched up and evaluated our career prospects in each. There were cities on my husband's list that there was NO WAY IN HELL I would ever agree to move to for various reasons. There were also cities on my list that he felt that way about. We crossed those off the list completely.

Right now, you are being incredibly intransigent, which is not a great way to get your husband to be forthright with you about his job search. This is not the only children's hospital in the country. My mother worked at the children's hospital in Milwaukee. A good friend works at the children's hospital in Austin. There are other options, and I think that for the sake of your marriage and the husband that you love, you should have a conversation, rather than throw around ultimatums.

Doesn't sound like she loves him to me.....

I'm sure she thinks she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your attitude is just as bad as your husband secretly applying for jobs outside DC.

This is a conversation. You and he need to talk about it like adults. He can look at jobs outside DC. He should apply for everything that he's interested in, and then you can evaluate the offers on the merits. You can do actual research into the towns where these jobs are located and work with actual information.

I have been where you are, and what we did was make a list of all the cities we would both be willing to move to. We focused on the ones that matched up and evaluated our career prospects in each. There were cities on my husband's list that there was NO WAY IN HELL I would ever agree to move to for various reasons. There were also cities on my list that he felt that way about. We crossed those off the list completely.

Right now, you are being incredibly intransigent, which is not a great way to get your husband to be forthright with you about his job search. This is not the only children's hospital in the country. My mother worked at the children's hospital in Milwaukee. A good friend works at the children's hospital in Austin. There are other options, and I think that for the sake of your marriage and the husband that you love, you should have a conversation, rather than throw around ultimatums.

Doesn't sound like she loves him to me.....

Wow I just found this forum today. If DCUM&D = real life then I should get out of here FAST!

OP

[Anonymous]

OP, go check out the two-body problem threads on the Chronicle of Higher Ed. fora. Academia is a unique beast, and, yes, if he wants a TT job, he'll be moving.

--Moved after my PhD. Interviewed in MD, NH, AR, NC, CT, KY, & VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never encountered a situation with an easier solution:

Ready?

USE YOUR WORDS.

You need to talk to your DH and ask him what he wants. Tell him your concerns and ask him what he wants from his career.

Also, you need to drop the racial nonsense, since you are the white person in this relationship. Pretending that you know better than the actual PoC in the relationship is just hubris.

This!!!! Talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, go check out the two-body problem threads on the Chronicle of Higher Ed. fora. Academia is a unique beast, and, yes, if he wants a TT job, he'll be moving.

--Moved after my PhD. Interviewed in MD, NH, AR, NC, CT, KY, & VA.

The thing is, my husband will NOT be direct with me about what he wants. He seems to be very flexible. He applied for both a PhD in stats and engineering. I asked him which one he preferred and he said he didn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your attitude is just as bad as your husband secretly applying for jobs outside DC.

This is a conversation. You and he need to talk about it like adults. He can look at jobs outside DC. He should apply for everything that he's interested in, and then you can evaluate the offers on the merits. You can do actual research into the towns where these jobs are located and work with actual information.

I have been where you are, and what we did was make a list of all the cities we would both be willing to move to. We focused on the ones that matched up and evaluated our career prospects in each. There were cities on my husband's list that there was NO WAY IN HELL I would ever agree to move to for various reasons. There were also cities on my list that he felt that way about. We crossed those off the list completely.

Right now, you are being incredibly intransigent, which is not a great way to get your husband to be forthright with you about his job search. This is not the only children's hospital in the country. My mother worked at the children's hospital in Milwaukee. A good friend works at the children's hospital in Austin. There are other options, and I think that for the sake of your marriage and the husband that you love, you should have a conversation, rather than throw around ultimatums.

Doesn't sound like she loves him to me.....

Wow I just found this forum today. If DCUM&D = real life then I should get out of here FAST!

OP

Maybe you should. Multiple PPS have said communicate your concerns with your husband and it seems like you don't want to and are only concerned about yourself and how it will affect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, go check out the two-body problem threads on the Chronicle of Higher Ed. fora. Academia is a unique beast, and, yes, if he wants a TT job, he'll be moving.

--Moved after my PhD. Interviewed in MD, NH, AR, NC, CT, KY, & VA.

The thing is, my husband will NOT be direct with me about what he wants. He seems to be very flexible. He applied for both a PhD in stats and engineering. I asked him which one he preferred and he said he didn't care.

But if he's applying for academic jobs then he just doesn't have the control over it the way you think he does. I would do as PP suggests and arm yourself with info. Then I would sit down with him and say, "Frank, I've been reading up on TT jobs in your field and it sounds like they are tough to come by and will be hard to get in this area. We need to talk about this as a family and I really want to know what you think."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lost any sympathy I might have had for OP after reading her responses. She sounds selfish and entitled. All the PP who suggest that she talk with her husband and work out a list of acceptable cities are absolutely correct! Marriage is about two people working together for the benefit of the whole family. Not just OP who wants to work at a children's hospital. You guys need to talk about this and I mean talk/discuss... not harass the guy and stomp around.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, go check out the two-body problem threads on the Chronicle of Higher Ed. fora. Academia is a unique beast, and, yes, if he wants a TT job, he'll be moving.

--Moved after my PhD. Interviewed in MD, NH, AR, NC, CT, KY, & VA.

The thing is, my husband will NOT be direct with me about what he wants. He seems to be very flexible. He applied for both a PhD in stats and engineering. I asked him which one he preferred and he said he didn't care.

But if he's applying for academic jobs then he just doesn't have the control over it the way you think he does. I would do as PP suggests and arm yourself with info. Then I would sit down with him and say, "Frank, I've been reading up on TT jobs in your field and it sounds like they are tough to come by and will be hard to get in this area. We need to talk about this as a family and I really want to know what you think."

+ 1 Maybe he's applying for TT jobs in other areas as a backup.

[Anonymous]

OP does your husband want you to be a SAHM?