I think my husband is secretly applying for jobs outside of DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that you are displeased with your husband's career decisions/lack of making career decisions/unrealistic desires for you to be a SAHM. And you are taking it out on this one thing.

You could move to Georgia--he would work in Athens, you would work in Atlanta. You decide as a team where to live.

Repeat in all other states on the list.

But you seem so unhappy--understandably--with the way he is going about making career decisions that this isnt even an option.

Talk to a therapist.

I know I am very stuck on living in DC. This forum helped me realize that I need to open up to other ideas. I worked so hard to move from the Midwest after undergrad and it has really meant a lot to me to be here. My husband hasn't traveled to other states. He doesn't necessarily have a preference on where he wants to live. He also doesn't mind humid weather at all. We just bought a house and found an awesome daycare provider very close to us. Everything seems so perfect right now. It's hard to think about moving and doing this all over again. I'm so happy with my job and friends.

Gosh, I have so been there!!! But having the discussion doesn't mean you have to move. What you guys do need to do-- and you know this-- is TALK. Talk about your career and life goals and what matters to you. I am glad you are thinking about counseling because it will give you guys a pathway to discuss things, which is where you seem stuck.

I would caution you on two levels: 1) Don't assume that because DH hasn't traveled and is of mixed race that you will know what his experience will be like. 2) Don't assume he's looking to undermine you- assume the best in him. That he's just sniffing around or networking with a longer term goal in mind. It makes getting the best out of him a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that you are displeased with your husband's career decisions/lack of making career decisions/unrealistic desires for you to be a SAHM. And you are taking it out on this one thing.

You could move to Georgia--he would work in Athens, you would work in Atlanta. You decide as a team where to live.

Repeat in all other states on the list.

But you seem so unhappy--understandably--with the way he is going about making career decisions that this isnt even an option.

Talk to a therapist.

I know I am very stuck on living in DC. This forum helped me realize that I need to open up to other ideas. I worked so hard to move from the Midwest after undergrad and it has really meant a lot to me to be here. My husband hasn't traveled to other states. He doesn't necessarily have a preference on where he wants to live. He also doesn't mind humid weather at all. We just bought a house and found an awesome daycare provider very close to us. Everything seems so perfect right now. It's hard to think about moving and doing this all over again. I'm so happy with my job and friends.

OP, I respect this position. I think that these are your strongest points. You are happy here. You have a life here. You have a job that you like here. He should be focusing on jobs in this area first. If he is not able to find one, then I could understand expanding the search, but it is ridiculous not to start looking here, given the number of universities that exist in relative proximity to this area. I know people who commute to universities in Baltimore and as far north as Philly for teaching gigs (usually the Philly folks teach Tuesday/Thursday, rather than MWF though).

[Anonymous]

I haven't read everyone else's replies but I had the same husband.
I was freaked out over his applying to u of northern Texas - where all women were secretaries, even phd's.
This was a few years ago.

New PhD's apply for jobs. Academic ones - no matter where they are. It's what they do.
Sometimes it's for leverage for a closer job, sometimes it's for the experience and the connections.
He knows how you feel - I'd leave it be until it's an actual issue, hard as that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tenure-track positions are increasingly rare and attract hundreds of applicants. Chances are that he won't be selected anyway.

That's a silly generalization. It depends where you went to school, what you studied, how talented you are, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

in the middle of no where. Think Ohio , Alabama , Georgia.

I hope he finds a job in the middle of no where just to make you mad. I feel sorry for him to have a snob for a wife.

Yeah, better to have a hillbilly hick wife who pulls out her white robe and hood on the weekends

There's nothing snobby about not wanting to raise your family in a no diverse hick town where Friday night football is the big thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do? I need to understand to better gauge - are you a divorce lawyer or a nurse? A third grade teacher or a speech language pathologist?

Sounds like she's a glorified babysitters to children with cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do? I need to understand to better gauge - are you a divorce lawyer or a nurse? A third grade teacher or a speech language pathologist?

Sounds like she's a glorified babysitters to children with cancer.

This. OP I recommend moving OUT of this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

WOW! that is a real good salary from what I understand. One of my good friends graduated with a phd in chemistry and took a position at MIT and it was for only 33K. That was in 1999... but still... even accounting for inflation 100K is good. Is there more of a demand for statisticians than chemists? My graduate professor was earning only 92K at the end of his tenured career as an Elec. Eng. professor at at a top 3 engineering school in 1998. He was able to "bonus" himself up to 20% of any grant money that he brought into the department so that helped... but again... 100K starting out in academia is good. Why are you being so down on him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

WOW! that is a real good salary from what I understand. One of my good friends graduated with a phd in chemistry and took a position at MIT and it was for only 33K. That was in 1999... but still... even accounting for inflation 100K is good. Is there more of a demand for statisticians than chemists? My graduate professor was earning only 92K at the end of his tenured career as an Elec. Eng. professor at at a top 3 engineering school in 1998. He was able to "bonus" himself up to 20% of any grant money that he brought into the department so that helped... but again... 100K starting out in academia is good. Why are you being so down on him?

Op here: I think that's very rare from what I understand. They're both at the same university and in the same field ( biostatistics ). Maybe his friend was lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

WOW! that is a real good salary from what I understand. One of my good friends graduated with a phd in chemistry and took a position at MIT and it was for only 33K. That was in 1999... but still... even accounting for inflation 100K is good. Is there more of a demand for statisticians than chemists? My graduate professor was earning only 92K at the end of his tenured career as an Elec. Eng. professor at at a top 3 engineering school in 1998. He was able to "bonus" himself up to 20% of any grant money that he brought into the department so that helped... but again... 100K starting out in academia is good. Why are you being so down on him?

Op again: Dh says the job his friend has is actually 136 k. He's working as a stats assistant professor in the business school.

Op here: I think that's very rare from what I understand. They're both at the same university and in the same field ( biostatistics ). Maybe his friend was lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

in the middle of no where. Think Ohio , Alabama , Georgia.

I hope he finds a job in the middle of no where just to make you mad. I feel sorry for him to have a snob for a wife.

Yeah, better to have a hillbilly hick wife who pulls out her white robe and hood on the weekends

There's nothing snobby about not wanting to raise your family in a no diverse hick town where Friday night football is the big thing.

Wow, I hope you're not the OP. You need to get the hell over yourself if so (and really no matter who you are).

[Anonymous]

Wow this thread has been refreshing! Dcum is not all snobs with upturned nose at regular folks. Listen to the advice, and Good luck OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

WOW! that is a real good salary from what I understand. One of my good friends graduated with a phd in chemistry and took a position at MIT and it was for only 33K. That was in 1999... but still... even accounting for inflation 100K is good. Is there more of a demand for statisticians than chemists? My graduate professor was earning only 92K at the end of his tenured career as an Elec. Eng. professor at at a top 3 engineering school in 1998. He was able to "bonus" himself up to 20% of any grant money that he brought into the department so that helped... but again... 100K starting out in academia is good. Why are you being so down on him?

Op here: I think that's very rare from what I understand. They're both at the same university and in the same field ( biostatistics ). Maybe his friend was lying?

That's a ridiculous assertion because state/federal jobs post all salaries for each employee by name on the internet. It is easily searchable.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. Two body problems can be very hard. I know a number of couples that lived in different states for several years, trying to find a solution. I hope it doesn't come to that for you. Luckily, most of the couples I know that had to do that eventually found jobs in the same location.

I think we need to encourage people to marry later, once they settle down. Otherwize it is just too hard.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

WOW! that is a real good salary from what I understand. One of my good friends graduated with a phd in chemistry and took a position at MIT and it was for only 33K. That was in 1999... but still... even accounting for inflation 100K is good. Is there more of a demand for statisticians than chemists? My graduate professor was earning only 92K at the end of his tenured career as an Elec. Eng. professor at at a top 3 engineering school in 1998. He was able to "bonus" himself up to 20% of any grant money that he brought into the department so that helped... but again... 100K starting out in academia is good. Why are you being so down on him?

Not in academia.

Op here: I think that's very rare from what I understand. They're both at the same university and in the same field ( biostatistics ). Maybe his friend was lying?

That's a ridiculous assertion because state/federal jobs post all salaries for each employee by name on the internet. It is easily searchable.