I think my husband is secretly applying for jobs outside of DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a college town which isn't a major metro area and we have a Children's Hospital...because we are a college town..with a med school.

And where do you live? While many normal hospitals can treat children adequately, the hospitals I work at treat rare illnesses that are fatal or severely detrimental to young children. Also, many families travel here from "middle of no where" to get treatment.

Which isn't necessarily relevant to YOU getting a job at a different one. Perhaps you like the prestige of working for one like that?

Are you a nurse? Physician? Something else?

Something else and it's VERY relevant. My field is very specialized AND competitive.

Guess you're SOL since you are so very very precious and special, princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little too much hate heaped on the OP here. While I disagree with her about college towns - they are generally delightful oasises of diversity and culture - it's entirely fair for the OP to have/set limits on where she moves/lives.

I had this struggle with my wife before we actually got married - she was pretty insistent on taking a job in a place I'd never ever want to live (FredVegas, an outpost of Sprawltastic Stepford PUD Teahadistan) and I told her flat out there was just no way, no how, never. Partly because of the lack of a career for me, and partly just because I think it's a sh*thole and would never want to live there, much less raise my kid in that environment.

However, I made all that pretty clear before we got married and before we had a kid. I don't know if the OP spoke up - hopefully this isn't anything new - it sounds like she was pretty clear.

It really doesn't matter though: it's perfectly acceptable to set hard limits on what you will and will not compromise on and stick to them. He isn't entitled to have her deep-six her career just because he got a PhD and the only place he can get TT is BFE State. Similarly, she doesn't have to justify her reasons for not wanting to live in BFE State. Marriage is about compromise.

OP - don't snoop and don't start haranguing him that you somehow know he's applying elsewhere. Just be sure that you have been completely clear that there are limits to where you will move (I think compromise probably requires that you are willing to leave DC).

If you haven't been clearly asserting and communicating your limits, needs, boundaries and requirements, then you better start now.

Given what you said about "home language": if you aren't from the US or a western culture, you better start communicating fast, because he might be defaulting to one of the more...patriarchal models of family, sort of like, say, South Asian.

The "hate" is because she hasn't done the most obvious thing of all--talk to her husband. And because she comes across as utterly inflexible and unwilling to look for a compromise. She essentially vetoed several entire states in her OP without really providing much of a reason.

She can't communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

Where in Tennessee? You could definitely work in Nashville (Vanderbilt University Children's Hospital??), which is actually pretty diverse and a great city.

Ditto Georgia, frankly.

Memphis Tennessee could work. I need to work at a children's research hospital focused on children's catastrophic diseases. I am NOT nurse. I know this all sounds strange but my field is truly very very specialized. There are only 10 or so universities with this degree in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little too much hate heaped on the OP here. While I disagree with her about college towns - they are generally delightful oasises of diversity and culture - it's entirely fair for the OP to have/set limits on where she moves/lives.

I had this struggle with my wife before we actually got married - she was pretty insistent on taking a job in a place I'd never ever want to live (FredVegas, an outpost of Sprawltastic Stepford PUD Teahadistan) and I told her flat out there was just no way, no how, never. Partly because of the lack of a career for me, and partly just because I think it's a sh*thole and would never want to live there, much less raise my kid in that environment.

However, I made all that pretty clear before we got married and before we had a kid. I don't know if the OP spoke up - hopefully this isn't anything new - it sounds like she was pretty clear.

It really doesn't matter though: it's perfectly acceptable to set hard limits on what you will and will not compromise on and stick to them. He isn't entitled to have her deep-six her career just because he got a PhD and the only place he can get TT is BFE State. Similarly, she doesn't have to justify her reasons for not wanting to live in BFE State. Marriage is about compromise.

OP - don't snoop and don't start haranguing him that you somehow know he's applying elsewhere. Just be sure that you have been completely clear that there are limits to where you will move (I think compromise probably requires that you are willing to leave DC).

If you haven't been clearly asserting and communicating your limits, needs, boundaries and requirements, then you better start now.

Given what you said about "home language": if you aren't from the US or a western culture, you better start communicating fast, because he might be defaulting to one of the more...patriarchal models of family, sort of like, say, South Asian.

The "hate" is because she hasn't done the most obvious thing of all--talk to her husband. And because she comes across as utterly inflexible and unwilling to look for a compromise. She essentially vetoed several entire states in her OP without really providing much of a reason.

She can't communicate.

She said repeatedly she has communicated with him. That she's been clear that she lived in a college town and doesn't wish to return to that. (I've been there, one little pocket of diversity in an otherwise conservative, rural area isn't even close to living in a diverse metro/urban area.) she also said that he's unilaterally decided things before, the way it sounds like he's doing with his job. Her DH is fickle when he discusses it with her. It sounds like she's being clear and he's being wishy washy to avoid confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where in Ohio? It has three big cities.....

Oxford, Ohio

Why not here?

Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center

Yes this could work but that would be one hell of a commute! I like having choices here in DC . It's nice knowing that I could find a job here in case something were to happen to my current job. I think I am always a bit worried about losing my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

Where in Tennessee? You could definitely work in Nashville (Vanderbilt University Children's Hospital??), which is actually pretty diverse and a great city.

Ditto Georgia, frankly.

Memphis Tennessee could work. I need to work at a children's research hospital focused on children's catastrophic diseases. I am NOT nurse. I know this all sounds strange but my field is truly very very specialized. There are only 10 or so universities with this degree in the US.

OP, out of curiosity, what counts as a catastrophic disease for children? I looked it up and found a lot of state-level funds to help pay for expenses associated with catastrophic diseases, but no list as to what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

Where in Tennessee? You could definitely work in Nashville (Vanderbilt University Children's Hospital??), which is actually pretty diverse and a great city.

Ditto Georgia, frankly.

Memphis Tennessee could work. I need to work at a children's research hospital focused on children's catastrophic diseases. I am NOT nurse. I know this all sounds strange but my field is truly very very specialized. There are only 10 or so universities with this degree in the US.

OP, out of curiosity, what counts as a catastrophic disease for children? I looked it up and found a lot of state-level funds to help pay for expenses associated with catastrophic diseases, but no list as to what they are.

My job title is child life specialist. There are usually 15 to 30 jobs posted. To find a job in child life, many of my co workers have had to relocate to a different state.

Cerebral palsy
Sickle cell anemia
Cystic fibrosis
Cancer
AIDS
Epilepsy
Spina bifida
Congenital heart problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

Where in Tennessee? You could definitely work in Nashville (Vanderbilt University Children's Hospital??), which is actually pretty diverse and a great city.

Ditto Georgia, frankly.

Memphis Tennessee could work. I need to work at a children's research hospital focused on children's catastrophic diseases. I am NOT nurse. I know this all sounds strange but my field is truly very very specialized. There are only 10 or so universities with this degree in the US.

OP, out of curiosity, what counts as a catastrophic disease for children? I looked it up and found a lot of state-level funds to help pay for expenses associated with catastrophic diseases, but no list as to what they are.

My job title is child life specialist. There are usually 15 to 30 jobs posted. To find a job in child life, many of my co workers have had to relocate to a different state.[b]

Cerebral palsy
Sickle cell anemia
Cystic fibrosis
Cancer
AIDS
Epilepsy
Spina bifida
Congenital heart problems

The irony here is palpable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My academic job search was also constrained by my husband's pediatric specialty job, which means that we needed to look in cities with children's hospitals (or within a reasonable commuting distance).

I'm surprised you guys haven't had a frank discussion about this yet--this needs to happen so you're both on the same page re: where he applies.

We have had many conversations about this and that's why it's so frustrating. He keeps flip flopping about what he wants. His friend recently accepted a 100k assistant professor position in Tennessee. He's been looking for similar jobs ever since he found about his friends position.

Where in Tennessee? You could definitely work in Nashville (Vanderbilt University Children's Hospital??), which is actually pretty diverse and a great city.

Ditto Georgia, frankly.

Memphis Tennessee could work. I need to work at a children's research hospital focused on children's catastrophic diseases. I am NOT nurse. I know this all sounds strange but my field is truly very very specialized. There are only 10 or so universities with this degree in the US.

OP, out of curiosity, what counts as a catastrophic disease for children? I looked it up and found a lot of state-level funds to help pay for expenses associated with catastrophic diseases, but no list as to what they are.

My job title is child life specialist. There are usually 15 to 30 jobs posted. To find a job in child life, many of my co workers have had to relocate to a different state.

Cerebral palsy
Sickle cell anemia
Cystic fibrosis
Cancer
AIDS
Epilepsy
Spina bifida
Congenital heart problems

Sorry meant to write 15-30 jobs posted at any given time in the US. It's very competitive and hard to find a job in my field. I relocated to DC to intern for a year before accepting a full time position.

[Anonymous]

According to the quick google search, there are loads of the jobs all over the place and in all kinds of hospitals- not just specialized children's hospitals.

http://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=Child+Life+Specialist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the quick google search, there are loads of the jobs all over the place and in all kinds of hospitals- not just specialized children's hospitals.

http://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=Child+Life+Specialist

All of those jobs are in specialized children's hospitals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the quick google search, there are loads of the jobs all over the place and in all kinds of hospitals- not just specialized children's hospitals.

http://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=Child+Life+Specialist

All of those jobs are in specialized children's hospitals.

Why does it have to be in a specialized children't hospital?

[Anonymous]

How the hell has this not come up in your marriage until now? You presumably knew you would not want to move for work and also knew his track would require moving. So neither of you thought to discuss this until he was applying for jobs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to the quick google search, there are loads of the jobs all over the place and in all kinds of hospitals- not just specialized children's hospitals.

http://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=Child+Life+Specialist

All of those jobs are in specialized children's hospitals.

Why does it have to be in a specialized children't hospital?

Almost every children's hospital has a childlife program but an urban area is always going to be my best bet. They have more positions available. So here in DC we have 30 child life specialists at my work but in Cincinnati it would be a lot less. I'm not completely opposed to moving somewhere else. It just seems almost impossible for us both to find jobs unless we move to more of an urban area. Athens, GA or Oxford , Ohio would be too far of a commute IF I could find in the nearest city .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How the hell has this not come up in your marriage until now? You presumably knew you would not want to move for work and also knew his track would require moving. So neither of you thought to discuss this until he was applying for jobs?

Reread the OP. Specifically the third sentence.