Things I should put into my original parenting/divorce agreement. Advice please!!

[Anonymous]

Agree with others who've said life insurance (of a fixed amount, with kids as beneficiaries, and you as trustee), fixed college contributions adding up to whatever total dollar amount you think is reasonable (you will also want to be the trustee on the 529 account if you can), and an agreement to pay a certain percentage of extraordinary medical costs like braces. And definitely direct deposit of the child support. You could also add an agreement to split medical costs not covered by insurance 50/50 or proportionally based on income.

You say that you are worried about other women in the future. You could add a clause that there will be no overnight visits with members of the opposite sex to whom your ex is not married. That won't keep him from having other women around your kids, but it will give you something to keep him from having a string of live-in girlfriends. It will also keep you from having a live-in boyfriend -- the clause would likely be written along the lines of "the parties agree that neither will . . . -- but that's a small price to pay.

[Anonymous]

Emergency notification: Each parent has to notify the other within 4-6hrs if child is taken to ER or hospitalized.

Late for visitation: If he is 30min late with no notification, he forfeits visitation for that time period. (keeps you from sitting and waiting for 45min wondering WTH he is, BTDT).

If you're going joint legal, you're going to want final say in things like medical, education, etc. Not sure how to word that . . . mine says we each have the independent right to make those decisions, no language about having to consult the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and my son is very young (8mo when we split) and I WISH I had put in a more gradual summer visitation. He'll be 3 this coming summer and I'm supposed to ship him off for 6wks this year. The longest he's been gone is 9 days up until now and he hasn't seen his father in 6mo. This summer will be hard

So, I'd put in a very gradual step-up visitation schedule that eventually gets the kids to overnights/whatever by about school age.

Also, something about extra-curriculars. Both parents are required to take the kids to practices/classes/games during their parenting time. I've heard horror stories about kids who are in say, soccer and dad refuses to take them to practices or games

[Anonymous]

15:01 and 15:08 here again.

That you have the independent right to seek counseling for your kids. He shouldn't be able to veto that.

I WISH there was a way to put in there that if he goes X amount of time without visitation, he'll have to start over again with no overnights, etc. But I don't think that's possible . . .

Also, what about taxes? You'll want to spell out that you're going to claim the kids every year (you should if you're going to bear the bulk of the cost)

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have thought of this on my own, but I think that you should specify adequate space for the children to sleep/live if they're with him more than a day or two a month--see http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/192271.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emergency notification: Each parent has to notify the other within 4-6hrs if child is taken to ER or hospitalized.

Late for visitation: If he is 30min late with no notification, he forfeits visitation for that time period. (keeps you from sitting and waiting for 45min wondering WTH he is, BTDT).
If you're going joint legal, you're going to want final say in things like medical, education, etc. Not sure how to word that . . . mine says we each have the independent right to make those decisions, no language about having to consult the other parent.

Think really hard about putting in things like this since you will also, at some point in the future, have a situation where you are late for picking the kids up (i.e. traffic, car trouble, late leaving work because a meeting went wrong.) You have to hold yourself to the same standard that you hold him, so don't make requirements that you know no person could reasonably keep. Life happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:discussions about splitting unusual/extraordinary expenses...to dissuade him from persuading your kids they NEED that school ski vacation, on your $$$$

Oh how I WISH my husband had thought to put that into his agreement. Do you know how many times he's had to tell his son that something *isn't possible* because he lives 10 hours away and wants to do something here on a school day; i.e. a Washington Redskins game- because SS's mother encouraged him to ask his dad about it? It's like she gets some pleasure in making DH tell his son no when she KNOWS he has to say no and couldn't possibly accommodate.

[Anonymous]

bump
any new feedback on this issue?

[Anonymous]

pp here, I found this resource if anyone is interested:
http://www.mothering.com/community/t/659455/what-do-you-wish-you-had-put-in-divorce-settlement-parenting-agreement

[Anonymous]

Something I have learned as the custodial parent. It is NOT MY JOB to keep non-custodial parent apprised of what is going on with school. He has access to the school calendar. He has frequent access to the child's take home folder from the school. He has the teacher's email. He sees the poster on the daycare door that says the xmas party is this coming Thursday at 10 AM. He can take responsibility for keeping himself informed.

I am happy to share information with him. I am just not willing to be yelled at if I didn't tell him there's a violin performance on Wednesday night and therefore he misses it. The performance is on the school website calendar, he can look it up himself.

Now if I schedule a doctor's appt, that I tell him about.

[Anonymous]

If you have a preference regarding religious affiliation or education, make sure you address how those beliefs will be addressed. If you're atheist, you'd be pissed if your ex got your child baptized. Or, you do have some sort of faith, and ex openly mocks or criticizes those beliefs in an offensive way. Does child attend a particular faith's church or religious class, for example.

[Anonymous]

If religious affiliation or education is important to you, make sure there's a clause related to those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:re-calculations of child support whenever one parent's income changes a certain percentage

medical costs over a certain dollar amount - splitting these costs for things like braces, hospitalizations with hefty co-pays, etc.

babysitting costs if he flakes out on you for a scheduled visitation (he pays for a babysitter if you have plans and he doesn't take them at the last minute)

I doubt this will work. My dad frequently never showed on his weekends and there wasn't a damn thing my mom could do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right of first refusal for custody. Ours works on overnights, but I've heard about it being set up for shorter periods of time. Basically if he is going to be putting child in someone elses care during his custody time, you have the choice of taking that time for yourself. (and vice versa)

This. So important! Should be used for any time over an hour or so, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Telephone calls. Sometimes my ex-husband wouldn't let me talk to my son when he had him. I only would really call if he had him more than 2 days or during a holiday.
When I was deployed this would really upset me though. Sometimes he wouldn't make time for the Skype videos and not answer the phone.