His Family Bringing Up His Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why would I like someone not to exist, when ALL parties involved get along with fine and she is my stepsons mother? I didn't say her name isn't to be mentioned, and I would NEVER EVER even hint to him that or to say that to his parents or family. Ever. I am also 100% not showing this thread to him. I am using the anonymous forum to gain experiences from other people in similar situations. Not to gather an arsenal to present to him and say "see! you all need to stop talking about her!"

I am just wanting to know if it's common courtesy to maybe, while you're clearing dishes, have a minute convo with just him to ask if she's alive and well. Not sitting in the family room with everyone, having a conversation, and then bringing her up so they can all talk about her for 5+ minutes, about everything they're missing about her, while I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs. I know I DO NOT ask about my sister's ex to her, and they have an awesome relationship (together 15, divorced just 2) and I occasionally talk to him (about arranging kid stuff though, since our kids are super close). There'd be no way in hell I'd ask her about him in front of someone she is dating. Or bring him up in general unless she does. It just seems rude. So, that's why I have the perceptive I do. But I'm thinking maybe I'm just an outlier and over protecting feelings it in that regard.

Some people feel it's weirder and more awkward to be talking about the ex "behind your back."

The example you give about your sister is different because her ex is not the parent of a blood relative of yours. Look, I wouldn't bring it up, the sister does seem kind of weird. But you really do just need to rip the bandaid off and get used to it. They are going to talk about her. Maybe they are trying to make a point to you, that she is the mother of their grandchild/nephew and she will always be welcome and special to them, no matter what the new wife/girlfriend/whatever you are thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is about to be 10. His family is not local, tho, they are all up in New England. There is no daily activities or school events that they are involved in since they're so far away. And my ex, like you, shielded his family from all her wrongdoing and completely took the fall for the relationship ending, in order to protect their view of her. Which is partly why he was bothered, initially, after the break up that they were all still wanting to keep up with her and what she was doing all the time. I'm not sure if he still feels that way now though.

The questions really aren't about logistics with his kid. In that case, like for a holiday or when we travel up there, they just ask if his kid is going to be able to make it or if they are with the ex. That would be ludicrous for me to be at all bothered by, and I'm not.

It is the wanting to be current in everything going on in her life that I was unsure about. Where's she living. Where's she working. How's she doing. Did she move? Where to? Why? Is she still with ___. How often do you talk to her and see her?

I wasn't sure if these were normal questions to be asking 2-3 years after breaking up with someone. A "how's ___ doing?" and a reply of "Oh, she's doing well." followed by a "that's good to her, send her my best" to me, seems like a normal exchange. Not 5+ minutes about her.

But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

Or maybe he's feeding you the typical blame-the-ex line and exaggerating, and his family actually likes her.

She cheated on him, and is still with the man she cheated with. His whole family is happy for her and the new guy because she was able to move on and be happy in life again. That was what bothered him. But, he never said anything about her being the cheater and catalyst for the relationship ending. He told them things weren't working out, he probably wasn't being a good partner, so they went their separate ways and that's why it ended. I mean, it could be bullshit, except I know she is living with this guy and I know his family doesn't think she cheated on him.

Okay but here's another perspective. I have a brother in law whose ex-wife cheated on him with her law partner. She also married that guy, and is still married to him. My extended family still speaks to her. They fully know what she did, it's never been a secret. But guess what- she's the mother of four grandchildren. They're NOT going to freeze her out or pretend she doesn't exist. My mother in law has fully told me that no matter what I do, even if my husband and I were to divorce, she was not going to stop speaking to me because again, I am the mother of two of her grandchildren. She knows what my ex-SIL did to my BIL but she still loves her in her own way. What happens in a marriage/relationship is between those two people, not the extended family. They still see her at events involving the kids (graduations, showers, birthdays) and they speak to her because it's what you do. They treat my husband's ex-wife the same way. She stops into family events with her son if my DH and our kids and I are unable to make it, because he should still be part of family functions regardless. They are friendly with her.

This woman is the mother of their blood family member. They are not going to cut her out, pretend she doesn't exist, or ignore her existence. It's up to you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it.

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.

[Anonymous]

Okay. Well, you want them to pretend she doesn't exist when you're around. Which is probably usually when your husband is around. Bottom line, you need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

I think it is insensitive of them to bring her up in front of you.

I do not know if they are doing it on purpose, but I doubt they are.

I would simply let your hubby know that it bothers you + have him talk to his family about it.

Hopefully that will solve the problem for you in the future.

Since you and her get along and there is no animosity between anyone, they probably didn't think it bothered you.

[Anonymous]

OP, think about this. For your guy's kid or family, it may be weird if everyone is together and his/her mom isn't mentioned. Just because the parents are no longer together and she is not physically there with the family for the holiday or BBQ or whatever, she still exists and it is still natural for the family to have interest or curiosity in what she is up to, and also ensure that your guy's kid knows that the family cares about her and is asking after her.

My stepdaughter lives in another state FT with her mom. We get her summers and holidays. Especially during big holidays, I make sure to ask about her mom (what are mom and stepdad doing for Thanksgiving, etc.) so she knows it's OK to miss her on those holidays or talk about her in general. I weave it into other conversations, too (e.g., when at the mall, asking if mom would be OK with her wearing ripped jeans or, when reviewing grades, what did mom say about your chem test grade). This shows her that we're all co-parenting and interested in her development.

Try to think of it as what everyone is doing for the sake of the kid and not that it is some judgment on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think about this. For your guy's kid or family, it may be weird if everyone is together and his/her mom isn't mentioned. Just because the parents are no longer together and she is not physically there with the family for the holiday or BBQ or whatever, she still exists and it is still natural for the family to have interest or curiosity in what she is up to, and also ensure that your guy's kid knows that the family cares about her and is asking after her.

My stepdaughter lives in another state FT with her mom. We get her summers and holidays. Especially during big holidays, I make sure to ask about her mom (what are mom and stepdad doing for Thanksgiving, etc.) so she knows it's OK to miss her on those holidays or talk about her in general. I weave it into other conversations, too (e.g., when at the mall, asking if mom would be OK with her wearing ripped jeans or, when reviewing grades, what did mom say about your chem test grade). This shows her that we're all co-parenting and interested in her development.

Try to think of it as what everyone is doing for the sake of the kid and not that it is some judgment on you.

They don't ask the kid about his mom. They don't even ask just when he's around or brought up. It could be us visiting his aunt and uncle and cousins. No kids around, just adults. And after initial pleasantries, they want to talk about how his ex is doing and what she's been up to.

If you went to visit your husbands family without your stepdaughter, and each time you saw them, after they said hi, their next question or move was to ask about your husbands ex, you'd find that to be for the sake of the kid and it wouldn't bother you?

[Anonymous]

You are jealous that his family still
Has affection for this woman. Jealousy is not pretty OP

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, after reading all this, including your responses. I do think his family is being a little bit rude. Although, I am not sure there is much to do about it.
If they are doing it on purpose, bringing it up will just add fuel to the fire.
If they are just clueless, then they probably won't change and talking about it will just cause hurt feelings.
Hopefully, it will change over time. Just smile and ignore and change the subject when you can. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, think about this. For your guy's kid or family, it may be weird if everyone is together and his/her mom isn't mentioned. Just because the parents are no longer together and she is not physically there with the family for the holiday or BBQ or whatever, she still exists and it is still natural for the family to have interest or curiosity in what she is up to, and also ensure that your guy's kid knows that the family cares about her and is asking after her.

My stepdaughter lives in another state FT with her mom. We get her summers and holidays. Especially during big holidays, I make sure to ask about her mom (what are mom and stepdad doing for Thanksgiving, etc.) so she knows it's OK to miss her on those holidays or talk about her in general. I weave it into other conversations, too (e.g., when at the mall, asking if mom would be OK with her wearing ripped jeans or, when reviewing grades, what did mom say about your chem test grade). This shows her that we're all co-parenting and interested in her development.

Try to think of it as what everyone is doing for the sake of the kid and not that it is some judgment on you.

They don't ask the kid about his mom. They don't even ask just when he's around or brought up. It could be us visiting his aunt and uncle and cousins. No kids around, just adults. And after initial pleasantries, they want to talk about how his ex is doing and what she's been up to.

If you went to visit your husbands family without your stepdaughter, and each time you saw them, after they said hi, their next question or move was to ask about your husbands ex, you'd find that to be for the sake of the kid and it wouldn't bother you?

Are they polite and friendly with you or do they just say hi and ignore you? If the former, then what is there to worry about? If the latter, they prob like the mom better than you or you somehow do not fit in with them. Maybe your jealousy is showing? It is a turn off...

Bottom line -- either you say something to them or you don't. So what do you do - do something about it if it matters so much and bothers you or silently seethe every time? Or grow up and feel good that your guy's fam isn't the type to dismiss someone who was essentially family. Which life do you feel like living? The adult one or the jealous one?

[Anonymous]

Can't say what the motives may be in asking about the ex. I would say though it's better that situation than the family talking about the ex like a dog. I had a family member that divorced and you would have thought the ex was the devil incarnate. Meanwhile, my relative cheated on his ex, left her to do all the heavy lifting with their disabled son, and left her to do most of the discipline/child rearing with the other son. I'm not saying that the ex may not have had her own issues but my relative was far from perfect. If the mom of your SO thinks her son can do no wrong and can't show respect for the mother of her grandchild, get very worried.

As long as they are making the effort with you to get to know you and are not excluding you from invitations/gatherings I would take it as a positive sign that they remain superficially involved with ex and your SO has boundaries with his family that they are not I intimately involved in what we t on in his old relationship.

[Anonymous]

Different perspective here, but my in laws are divorced and seeing other people. They have been divorced for maybe 15 years now, but they obviously have kids together. My mother in law still feels close to my father in law's parents and she calls them to check in every now and then and since everyone is on Facebook, they are Facebook friends who post stuff for each other. I have been around my father in law and his girlfriend and my father in law's parents (my grandparents in law?) and the grandparents will ask about my mother in law or will talk to my husband or me about my mother in law. It never struck me as odd, though I admit to never thinking about how this made the new girlfriend feel, because everyone still considers each other family even though there was a divorce. My mother in law strongly feels like she is still a part of the family because she went through many things with her in laws - family deaths, weddings, having my grandparents in law watch her kids (sometimes for a week or so when she was married to FIL so they could go on vacation). Though my in laws do NOT like each other at all, they still feel that family connection with each other's families. As I mentioned, this seemed natural to me when people have shared so much. I doubt very much that my FIL has told his parents the reasons for the divorce (not cheating - just they don't like each other and my MIL seems to annoy my FIL to a huge degree).

I never even thought I should censor my discussions about my MIL in front of FIL's girlfriends. Perhaps this is not polite? Honestly, it just seems natural to discuss the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Well this is what we are trying to tell OP. They're not bringing up the ex to be malicious to her. They probably consider it along the lines of asking about a cousin and have no idea it is bothering her. My guess is she feels like her relationship is lesser than her partner's former relationship (maybe because it hasn't lasted as long yet, maybe because they don't have kids together) and she's using this as further "proof." I think her jealousy is causing her to assign ill motives where there are none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.

So, you are the girlfriend. Here is the advice I would give my own daughter if she came to me with your question, "is it normal for my boyfriend's family to do this?" The answer is it is normal for the family, and since the boyfriend hasn't done anything to stop it, it is normal for him. Based on your previous posts, you, obviously, don't feel like it's normal. It's not a situation of one of you being right and one of you being wrong and needing to adjust your expectations. It is a situation of a fundamental gap between you and your boyfriend about the expectations you have in relationships. You, obviously, feel like you are getting "less" than and are "second string". This is a fundamental mismatch in outlook, which should cause you to think about looking for a better matched partner, because it will not go away and will only get worse with time. Think about how you will feel if you stay with this boyfriend and get married, and they are still talking about the wife at the wedding. Think about when you are married and your husband leaves you one evening to go and spend time with his ex-wife and child. Think about when you have a child and your ex-husband's paycheck is going to pay college tuition and thus limiting the kinds of experiences your child will have. Will you feel "second string"? Will you feel it necessary to have a "discussion" with your husband about limiting the time and money that he is giving to his first child and first family (because that is what his ex-wife is -- his first family).

You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor (and everyone else as well), if you owned up to your feelings and split up with your boyfriend if you don't genuinely feel that you can make the ex-wife and children an integral part of your life with your nuclear family with the boyfriend and his extended family.

You don't need a reason like "he's wrong to treat me this way" to break up with him. You don't need to "adjust" your expectations if other people say what his family is doing is "normal". Sometimes two people meet each other and fall in love and are still not well-matched to go on and be a successful long-term family. Your situation sounds exactly that to me. It's better to own up to that now and act accordingly rather than ignore your feelings and go thru life constantly asking yourself what is "normal" to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.

OP, you sound really bitter and angry. You reply to the advice here you have asked for in super defensive ways. If you are coming across this harsh and strong over a message board, what are you putting out in real life in your tone or nonverbal communication?

You feel jealous of the ex and maybe you should be. But he's with you and not her. Remember that. So either you say something to your BF and his family that it bothers you or you let it go and move on. Sure, it may feel weird and unsettling to you, but that may just be you. The advice you have received here has answered your question, hasn't it? Move the hell along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.

OP, you sound really bitter and angry. You reply to the advice here you have asked for in super defensive ways. If you are coming across this harsh and strong over a message board, what are you putting out in real life in your tone or nonverbal communication?

You feel jealous of the ex and maybe you should be. But he's with you and not her. Remember that. So either you say something to your BF and his family that it bothers you or you let it go and move on. Sure, it may feel weird and unsettling to you, but that may just be you. The advice you have received here has answered your question, hasn't it? Move the hell along.

Ha, that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not bitter and angry. If I did, surely someone would know about it. I'm not jealous. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid. We were planning a wedding before we got to 1 year and have no kids together and has said he wants to make sure everything is done right this time. I'm 100% confident that he wants to be with me and not her, with zero doubts. I'm 100% confident that I have no resentment towards his ex who has been very nice and welcoming to me as I have been to her. My tone and discussions with her, him and his family are awesome. They like me, unless they are really good at pretending otherwise.

The only thing I could possibly be jealous of is them not accepting me because of their prior relationship with his ex. I DO NOT know if that is true and I DO NOT know if that will be the case going forward. I was just wondering if those comments were indicative of either of those things, as I have never been in that situation before. If I was that upset about it and worried, surely I would've said something about it to him at least.

Again, I don't feel it's considerate to bring up someone's ex to that person's current boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, whatever. Because, in general, who actually wants to engage in conversation about their SO's past relationships? But I'm understanding that some people just don't have an opinion on that either way and don't mean any harm when they do it. So the feedback I am getting from here is that, no, those comments do not imply they prefer him to be with her over me. And I appreciate the constructive posters who could understand what I was asking

Oh, and someone brought up child support and blending families and what not. That hasn't been and won't be an issue. I have and will most likely have more money (and in the future access to more money) then he will. I expect him to support his child and that is factored into our budget. And he has done things with his ex and son. I am comfortable that nothing is going to happen and that also doesn't bother me. (it does bother her boyfriend though)

I really feel like people were pulling things out and projecting issues that aren't there, when I genuinely just wanted to know if what I was experiencing was common. And if it is, did they feel like it was subtle (or maybe not so subtle) hints about liking the ex and wishing she were still part of the family.