Reply to His Family Bringing Up His Ex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.[/quote]

So, you are the girlfriend.  Here is the advice I would give my own daughter if she came to me with your question, "is it normal for my boyfriend's family to do this?"  The answer is it is normal for the family, and since the boyfriend hasn't done anything to stop it, it is normal for him.  Based on your previous posts, you, obviously, don't feel like it's normal.  It's not a situation of one of you being right and one of you being wrong and needing to adjust your expectations.  It is a situation of a fundamental gap between you and your boyfriend about the expectations you have in relationships.  You, obviously, feel like you are getting "less" than and are "second string".  This is a fundamental mismatch in outlook, which should cause you to think about looking for a better matched partner, because it will not go away and will only get worse with time.  Think about how you will feel if you stay with this boyfriend and get married, and they are still talking about the wife at the wedding.  Think about when you are married and your husband leaves you one evening to go and spend time with his ex-wife and child.  Think about when you have a child and your ex-husband's paycheck is going to pay college tuition and thus limiting the kinds of experiences your child will have.  Will you feel "second string"?  Will you feel it necessary to have a "discussion" with your husband about limiting the time and money that he is giving to his first child and first family (because that is what his ex-wife is -- his first family).

You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor (and everyone else as well), if you owned up to your feelings and split up with your boyfriend if you don't genuinely feel that you can make the ex-wife and children an integral part of your life with your nuclear family with the boyfriend and his extended family.

You don't need a reason like "he's wrong to treat me this way" to break up with him.  You don't need to "adjust" your expectations if other people say what his family is doing is "normal".  Sometimes two people meet each other and fall in love and are still not well-matched to go on and be a successful long-term family.  Your situation sounds exactly that to me.  It's better to own up to that now and act accordingly rather than ignore your feelings and go thru life constantly asking yourself what is "normal" to expect.

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