His Family Bringing Up His Ex

[Anonymous]

So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

[Anonymous]

Since they have a child together, it doesn't seem abnormal to me that his family would ask after the child's mother. His sister might be being a brat, but it's really not that strange to me.

You need to chill out. Why do you feel like you're second string? Are there other issues than his family asking after his ex?

[Anonymous]

My brother is divorced with a kid. I don't ask him about his ex other than if it directly relates to a kid issue. But that might happen often.

I will say, however, that for 10 years my brother has tried to foster a relationship with us and his ex for the benefit of his child. We are an extension of the coparenting. So she's part of the extended family due to the child. And I don't want to tiptoe around that. Maybe your boyfriend is the same.

[Anonymous]

You need to chill out. Why do you feel like you're second string? Are there other issues than his family asking after his ex?

It's not something I bring up to him or I'm all angry about. I know I'm not 2nd string to him by any means. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid, and he could have pursued having them back together and he didn't. I just wonder if his family thinks of me as, essentially, a nice enough replacement for the woman they wish he was with, because they always are asking about her. Right in front of me.

And I know how important family is, so I would prefer not to spend the next 50 years with people who wish he was with someone else.

My brother is divorced with a kid. I don't ask him about his ex other than if it directly relates to a kid issue. But that might happen often.

I will say, however, that for 10 years my brother has tried to foster a relationship with us and his ex for the benefit of his child. We are an extension of the coparenting. So she's part of the extended family due to the child. And I don't want to tiptoe around that. Maybe your boyfriend is the same.

This I completely understand, especially around holidays or family events trying to coordinate seeing his kid. But what do you mean by foster a relationship? Like, wanting you all to keep in touch and visit with each other?

[Anonymous]

Families may be in mourning after a divorce. And therefore act strangely. Couples are often too self-centered to appreciate the family's sense of loss.

At least you know the landscape beforehand.

[Anonymous]

I think you're understandably uncomfortable, but you should try actively to not make it into something more than it is. Don't let it spoil your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't think they'd bring her up in front of you if they still wished he was with her. The fact that they bring up their grandchild's mother is because they are comfortable with their expanding family in the form that it is in, and that includes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to chill out. Why do you feel like you're second string? Are there other issues than his family asking after his ex?

It's not something I bring up to him or I'm all angry about. I know I'm not 2nd string to him by any means. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid, and he could have pursued having them back together and he didn't. I just wonder if his family thinks of me as, essentially, a nice enough replacement for the woman they wish he was with, because they always are asking about her. Right in front of me.

And I know how important family is, so I would prefer not to spend the next 50 years with people who wish he was with someone else.

My brother is divorced with a kid. I don't ask him about his ex other than if it directly relates to a kid issue. But that might happen often.

I will say, however, that for 10 years my brother has tried to foster a relationship with us and his ex for the benefit of his child. We are an extension of the coparenting. So she's part of the extended family due to the child. And I don't want to tiptoe around that. Maybe your boyfriend is the same.

This I completely understand, especially around holidays or family events trying to coordinate seeing his kid. But what do you mean by foster a relationship? Like, wanting you all to keep in touch and visit with each other?

PP here who suggested that you chill. How long have you been together? Are you married? Do you have a child together? I have a child with my ex and am still in touch with his family. Our decision (his and mine) was that we were not going to stop being part of the same extended family because of our divorce. We sometimes have issues with each other, but we do not allow those issues to spill over onto other people. We are both remarried and I know that his wife was fairly intimidated by my continued good relationship with his family, but as they developed their own family traditions and interactions, she eased up about it. When his relatives come to town, we make a point to have coffee and catch up and when he visits them, they ask after me. It doesn't dominate the conversation, though.

[Anonymous]

She's a person who was in their lives, they clearly liked her, and now she's out of their lives and they miss her. Just think of her as an old friend of theirs and don't get hung up on the ex thing. It's not about you. Just foster the relationship with them that you want. If it's a good one then they would probably ask about you if you were an ex, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families may be in mourning after a divorce. And therefore act strangely. Couples are often too self-centered to appreciate the family's sense of loss.

At least you know the landscape beforehand.

+1. They are probably trying to make the "big happy blended family" thing happen, and maybe overdoing it to compensate for their sense of loss. Yes, the divorce was a while ago, but the losses it caused will go on forever. Yes, his sister sounds weird, but overall it is not that weird. You need a thicker skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to chill out. Why do you feel like you're second string? Are there other issues than his family asking after his ex?

It's not something I bring up to him or I'm all angry about. I know I'm not 2nd string to him by any means. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid, and he could have pursued having them back together and he didn't. I just wonder if his family thinks of me as, essentially, a nice enough replacement for the woman they wish he was with, because they always are asking about her. Right in front of me.

And I know how important family is, so I would prefer not to spend the next 50 years with people who wish he was with someone else.

My brother is divorced with a kid. I don't ask him about his ex other than if it directly relates to a kid issue. But that might happen often.

I will say, however, that for 10 years my brother has tried to foster a relationship with us and his ex for the benefit of his child. We are an extension of the coparenting. So she's part of the extended family due to the child. And I don't want to tiptoe around that. Maybe your boyfriend is the same.

This I completely understand, especially around holidays or family events trying to coordinate seeing his kid. But what do you mean by foster a relationship? Like, wanting you all to keep in touch and visit with each other?

We are cordial. We all participate in transporting the kid to his activities. We sit together at his activities. We occasionally do kid-related activities together where it would be nice for the cousins to be together. We don't do anything together outside of kid activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You need to chill out. Why do you feel like you're second string? Are there other issues than his family asking after his ex?

It's not something I bring up to him or I'm all angry about. I know I'm not 2nd string to him by any means. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid, and he could have pursued having them back together and he didn't. I just wonder if his family thinks of me as, essentially, a nice enough replacement for the woman they wish he was with, because they always are asking about her. Right in front of me.

And I know how important family is, so I would prefer not to spend the next 50 years with people who wish he was with someone else.

My brother is divorced with a kid. I don't ask him about his ex other than if it directly relates to a kid issue. But that might happen often.

I will say, however, that for 10 years my brother has tried to foster a relationship with us and his ex for the benefit of his child. We are an extension of the coparenting. So she's part of the extended family due to the child. And I don't want to tiptoe around that. Maybe your boyfriend is the same.

This I completely understand, especially around holidays or family events trying to coordinate seeing his kid. But what do you mean by foster a relationship? Like, wanting you all to keep in touch and visit with each other?

We are cordial. We all participate in transporting the kid to his activities. We sit together at his activities. We occasionally do kid-related activities together where it would be nice for the cousins to be together. We don't do anything together outside of kid activities.

Oh. OP, I'll add that brother tries to foster the relationship between us because his ex wife cheated on him and we wanted to wring her neck. We are cordial for the child, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

Forever. You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else. Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours. You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc. Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you. Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM. You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him. If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation. Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people. You can't control them. You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been married over 20 years. He had two kids, I had two kids, then we had one together. Exes are simply a part of our history. You are going to have to grow thicker skin. His ex was probably a big part of their lives for many years. Of course her name is going to come up. She is the mother of their grandchildren. Just because they bring her up does not mean that they "wish he was with her".

Blending a family takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. The odds are not in your favor. If you want to navigate this successfully, then you'll have to learn to let go of the notion that his past will somehow cease to exist simply because you are in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. They have a child together; would you really prefer that they cut this woman out of their lives? I think I'd work on any insecurities of my own here and be glad his family cares as much as they do.