His Family Bringing Up His Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ha, that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not bitter and angry. If I did, surely someone would know about it. I'm not jealous. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid. We were planning a wedding before we got to 1 year and have no kids together and has said he wants to make sure everything is done right this time. I'm 100% confident that he wants to be with me and not her, with zero doubts. I'm 100% confident that I have no resentment towards his ex who has been very nice and welcoming to me as I have been to her. My tone and discussions with her, him and his family are awesome. They like me, unless they are really good at pretending otherwise.

The only thing I could possibly be jealous of is them not accepting me because of their prior relationship with his ex. I DO NOT know if that is true and I DO NOT know if that will be the case going forward. I was just wondering if those comments were indicative of either of those things, as I have never been in that situation before. If I was that upset about it and worried, surely I would've said something about it to him at least.

Again, I don't feel it's considerate to bring up someone's ex to that person's current boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, whatever. Because, in general, who actually wants to engage in conversation about their SO's past relationships? But I'm understanding that some people just don't have an opinion on that either way and don't mean any harm when they do it. So the feedback I am getting from here is that, no, those comments do not imply they prefer him to be with her over me. And I appreciate the constructive posters who could understand what I was asking

Oh, and someone brought up child support and blending families and what not. That hasn't been and won't be an issue. I have and will most likely have more money (and in the future access to more money) then he will. I expect him to support his child and that is factored into our budget. And he has done things with his ex and son. I am comfortable that nothing is going to happen and that also doesn't bother me. (it does bother her boyfriend though)

I really feel like people were pulling things out and projecting issues that aren't there, when I genuinely just wanted to know if what I was experiencing was common. And if it is, did they feel like it was subtle (or maybe not so subtle) hints about liking the ex and wishing she were still part of the family.

People who are successful in blended families is who. Or at least, they can tolerate it. Ideally, in this situation, you would be enthusiastically considering his ex a family member and part of your life. Not grudgingly tolerating it and finding it weird. Honestly, you don't sound like much of a step-parent, and maybe that's where the disconnect is. They think you are step-parenting the child more than you actually are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, I do not expect for anyone to just cut off ALL communication with her. If that was the impression I left or have been leaving, it is incorrect. I was just wondering if it's normal for family to ALWAYS start a conversation about her at a family gathering when are all around hanging out, and I'm supposed to be in a conversation talking about how they miss her and wanting to know everything going on with her and how happy they are about it.

If I didn't have my big girl panties on, I would be throwing temper tantrums, having an attitude, leaving the room when she's brought up and taking it out on my boyfriend. Precisely zero of those things have taken place.

OP, you sound really bitter and angry. You reply to the advice here you have asked for in super defensive ways. If you are coming across this harsh and strong over a message board, what are you putting out in real life in your tone or nonverbal communication?

You feel jealous of the ex and maybe you should be. But he's with you and not her. Remember that. So either you say something to your BF and his family that it bothers you or you let it go and move on. Sure, it may feel weird and unsettling to you, but that may just be you. The advice you have received here has answered your question, hasn't it? Move the hell along.

Ha, that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not bitter and angry. If I did, surely someone would know about it. I'm not jealous. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid. We were planning a wedding before we got to 1 year and have no kids together and has said he wants to make sure everything is done right this time. I'm 100% confident that he wants to be with me and not her, with zero doubts. I'm 100% confident that I have no resentment towards his ex who has been very nice and welcoming to me as I have been to her. My tone and discussions with her, him and his family are awesome. They like me, unless they are really good at pretending otherwise.

The only thing I could possibly be jealous of is them not accepting me because of their prior relationship with his ex. I DO NOT know if that is true and I DO NOT know if that will be the case going forward. I was just wondering if those comments were indicative of either of those things, as I have never been in that situation before. If I was that upset about it and worried, surely I would've said something about it to him at least.

Again, I don't feel it's considerate to bring up someone's ex to that person's current boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner, whatever. Because, in general, who actually wants to engage in conversation about their SO's past relationships? But I'm understanding that some people just don't have an opinion on that either way and don't mean any harm when they do it. So the feedback I am getting from here is that, no, those comments do not imply they prefer him to be with her over me. And I appreciate the constructive posters who could understand what I was asking

Oh, and someone brought up child support and blending families and what not. That hasn't been and won't be an issue. I have and will most likely have more money (and in the future access to more money) then he will. I expect him to support his child and that is factored into our budget. And he has done things with his ex and son. I am comfortable that nothing is going to happen and that also doesn't bother me. (it does bother her boyfriend though)

I really feel like people were pulling things out and projecting issues that aren't there, when I genuinely just wanted to know if what I was experiencing was common. And if it is, did they feel like it was subtle (or maybe not so subtle) hints about liking the ex and wishing she were still part of the family.

Alright, OP, you proved your point that you're not bitter or jealous. But you are sure as hell defensive. Have you gotten all the advice you wanted here? Or are you only interested in hearing others say they feel sorry for you? My god. So self absorbed. If your man and relationship are so amazing then his family asking about the welfare of his kid's mom wouldn't bother you as much. Go have your amazing relationship with your guy and keep pouting when the meanies in his family have the nerve to talk about anything but you. Regardless, I think we're all done here. Please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright, OP, you proved your point that you're not bitter or jealous. But you are sure as hell defensive. Have you gotten all the advice you wanted here? Or are you only interested in hearing others say they feel sorry for you? My god. So self absorbed. If your man and relationship are so amazing then his family asking about the welfare of his kid's mom wouldn't bother you as much. Go have your amazing relationship with your guy and keep pouting when the meanies in his family have the nerve to talk about anything but you. Regardless, I think we're all done here. Please?

My goodness, for someone so eager to stop this thread, you surely do keep replying an awful lot, huh?

Also, self-absorbed? Please. The only one pouting is you. Which part was me being self-absorbed? What was I getting defensive about?

When I was trying to understand the situation? About me getting along with everyone? Me not saying anything to anyone? Me saying that it's not the ex's fault and she probably doesn't know? The part when I understand a passing "How's she doing" or asking with regards to the kid, but didn't understand the in depth sit down conversation about her? How am I puting when no one other than the people on this anonymous forum even know I've asked about this??

And when did I EVER suggest they just talk about me? You are reading so very much into this, I'm wondering if it touched a nerve with you.

[Anonymous]

Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

[Anonymous]

Give OP a break. It's not easy being part of a blended family and there is a learning curve. If her heart is in the right place with respect to the kid, she will be fine. Stay kid focused, not ex focused. All is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

You have no reading comprehension, because it's been stated several times that no, I don't feel like his second string. I also said I felt it was different and didn't now if it was normal because I've never been in this situation, and I'm seeing now that it's not uncommon, and thanked those people who shared their experiences. Reading EVERYTHING and not cherry picking segments to bolster your argument would be helpful to contributing to this discussion.

And for not being the same PP, you share the same writing style and language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

You have no reading comprehension, because it's been stated several times that no, I don't feel like his second string. I also said I felt it was different and didn't now if it was normal because I've never been in this situation, and I'm seeing now that it's not uncommon, and thanked those people who shared their experiences. Reading EVERYTHING and not cherry picking segments to bolster your argument would be helpful to contributing to this discussion.

And for not being the same PP, you share the same writing style and language.

Not the PP to whom you respond, but don't get why you are now so insistent that you don't feel second string since that was exactly how you framed your original question OP:

"Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever? "

Focusing on your original question isn't "cherry picking". Most readers probably think what you said initially is most reflective of your gut feelings and that any backpedaling you've done in subsequent posts is the kind of insincere self-rationalization that many women do to maintain relationships that really aren't a good fit for them (i.e., he didn't call.... I'm not upset he didn't call, he's a busy guy....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

Not any of these PPs either, but OP, enough already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright, OP, you proved your point that you're not bitter or jealous. But you are sure as hell defensive. Have you gotten all the advice you wanted here? Or are you only interested in hearing others say they feel sorry for you? My god. So self absorbed. If your man and relationship are so amazing then his family asking about the welfare of his kid's mom wouldn't bother you as much. Go have your amazing relationship with your guy and keep pouting when the meanies in his family have the nerve to talk about anything but you. Regardless, I think we're all done here. Please?

My goodness, for someone so eager to stop this thread, you surely do keep replying an awful lot, huh?

Also, self-absorbed? Please. The only one pouting is you. Which part was me being self-absorbed? What was I getting defensive about?

When I was trying to understand the situation? About me getting along with everyone? Me not saying anything to anyone? Me saying that it's not the ex's fault and she probably doesn't know? The part when I understand a passing "How's she doing" or asking with regards to the kid, but didn't understand the in depth sit down conversation about her? How am I puting when no one other than the people on this anonymous forum even know I've asked about this??

And when did I EVER suggest they just talk about me? You are reading so very much into this, I'm wondering if it touched a nerve with you.

You are a total psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

You have no reading comprehension, because it's been stated several times that no, I don't feel like his second string. I also said I felt it was different and didn't now if it was normal because I've never been in this situation, and I'm seeing now that it's not uncommon, and thanked those people who shared their experiences. Reading EVERYTHING and not cherry picking segments to bolster your argument would be helpful to contributing to this discussion.

And for not being the same PP, you share the same writing style and language.

...but you are cherry picking what you agree with that is being said here? He/she was pointing out something quite obvious to those of who have given you some feedback here.

Oh, and your comment about saying that the poster probably had a nerve touched by this conversation is a great example of the projecting you whined about earlier. Nice one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

You have no reading comprehension, because it's been stated several times that no, I don't feel like his second string. I also said I felt it was different and didn't now if it was normal because I've never been in this situation, and I'm seeing now that it's not uncommon, and thanked those people who shared their experiences. Reading EVERYTHING and not cherry picking segments to bolster your argument would be helpful to contributing to this discussion.

And for not being the same PP, you share the same writing style and language.

12:10 here and yes, second string was YOUR language in your original post. No cherry picking here.

[Anonymous]

Just smile and ignore and change the subject when you can. Good luck."

OP, I agree with this advice. Try not to take it personally, talk about his ex for a few minutes and then gently try to change the topic--ask about them or talk about yourself or your bf or bf's child. There is room to talk about everyone.

Don't get worked up by the comments about your being a jealous, bitter, bad stepmom to be who should break up with her bf. You sound fine to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that PP. But seriously, move on OP. People told you it was normal, you don't think it is, and that's your personal paradigm. So you either suck it up or learn to think it's normal. Or break up with your boyfriend and go be somebody else's "first string" since you said yourself you feel second string.

You have no reading comprehension, because it's been stated several times that no, I don't feel like his second string. I also said I felt it was different and didn't now if it was normal because I've never been in this situation, and I'm seeing now that it's not uncommon, and thanked those people who shared their experiences. Reading EVERYTHING and not cherry picking segments to bolster your argument would be helpful to contributing to this discussion.

And for not being the same PP, you share the same writing style and language.

12:10 here and yes, second string was YOUR language in your original post. No cherry picking here.

These are just my replies from the first 1 1/2 pages:

1) I know I'm not 2nd string to him by any means. He didn't marry her after 7 years and a kid, and he could have pursued having them back together and he didn't. I just wonder if his family thinks of me as, essentially, a nice enough replacement for the woman they wish he was with,

2) If he wanted to be with her, I'm quite certain that could have happened, and it didn't, so again, I don't think HE considers our relationship that. I'm wondering if HIS FAMILY does. And, really, his opinion of that is the only one that actually matters. But family is important to both of us, and I would like to feel "accepted" from his extended family, if that makes any sense.

3) But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

I was referring to completely ignoring those statements made within the first page and a half of replies, which clearly shows I feel that neither HE with me nor I with him think OUR relationship is second string. And that comment was directly attributable to his family. Which is what the entire thread is about...what is normal with the FAMILIES. And further, that after the replies I got, I said I'd adjust my expectations. This was all 2 pages ago. The add on since then is that I'm jealous and pouty and defensive and psycho and I need to get out of the relationship. That seems extreme over asking what families interest in an ex after a break up is.

[Anonymous]

K. Not reading that wall of a reply. You're right, they are bad people! Happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:K. Not reading that wall of a reply. You're right, they are bad people! Happy?

haha!