Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You sounds like victim/martyr mom. Sacrificing sleep, your health, your well-being, your marriage, your sex life, your own interests....not good for anyone at all. Why would you do that to yourself, to your husband and to your kids?

Because the thing is SOMEONE has to respond to the crying baby, feed it, hold it, change diapers, make doctor's appointments, sooth the baby, do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, etc., all while getting by a crappy sleep. And in some homes, the burden of that responsibility falls largely on the mom. So having a husband who is not particularly sympathetic isn't exactly helpful, is it? Does this mom really need someone to kick her while she's down? The thing is, she'd probably be a lot happier and more in the mood if her DH said that he appreciated all that she was doing for their baby, why won't she take a few hours for some sleep and a mani pedi? My DH accused me of being a martyr (with our colicky baby) and SHOCKER I had zero desire to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Ha. I have a 6 month old (who still barely sleeps) and last week on vacation (both kids in the hotel room, tons of travel each day), my husband gave me shit because it had been a WEEK since we had had sex. He's generally a great guy but in that moment I really wondered who the fuck I had married. A whole fucking week when you actually HAVE an infant, and he acted like it was the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

DW here. My libido is better after child, as is relationship with DH. I'm 43.

[Anonymous]

Op, yes it should return. I am dw who had no interest in sex until a few weeks ago. My cd is almost 10 months. I am finally getting more rest and more time to myself. The dr also stated that after I was finished breastfeeding things should return full force. I have slowed down with bf and my desire has increased.

To other pps, you are right, when my dh suddenly let's one rip or burps, or spits, it goes right away.

Not sure of your techniques op, but I agree with maybe helping her with things, or hand her a glass a wine and rub her feet or back. Guarantee it will result in you getting laid.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

I'm the PP who recommended against tepid pawing. I stand by that and, as an undersexed husband, I'm mostly focused on things I can do and - by extension - things that other undersexed husbands can do. That said . . .

A wife has some obligations here as well. It's a 50/50 relationship, so the woman ought to take up 50% of the work of getting the couple into the mood for good sex. I understand "ought to" sometimes only has a marginal relationship to reality, so if my wife is doing, say, 20% of the heavy lifting when it comes to sex, I'm reasonably happy with the situation.

Basically, if I flirt with her and she flirts back, I'm going to be happy with her effort.

Maybe related, maybe an aside - but very little drives me crazier than when, two days after the fact, she'll let me know "I was in the mood but you didn't make a move." I'm not a damn mind reader, woman!

I used to try and give my husband subtle hints and he wouldn't take it. After discussing it, he said men don't get subtlety, so I needed to be more obvious. Now If I'm in the mood, I text him or say something along the lines of "do we have plans later?" (little ears are ALWAYS listening.)

And he will ask if we have plans if he wants to have sex.

I think communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Enjoying sex (and each other) needs to be important as well.

OP, you need to talk to your wife about sex. Does she ever say "yes!" "don't stop" or "Right there" "just like that" or anything else along those lines? If not, you're not doing the right things and she's not enjoying sex. IT's 50% your responsibility and 50% hers to figure out what works for her.

I would recommend she read some erotica (NOT 50 Shades --for crying out loud it's horribly written. I like literotica.com (has free stories listed by different topics). She should read some to get into the mood. Or if she likes Harlequin romance novels, maybe you can borrow some from the library for her. (Or buy some if you know what she likes.)

Do you know where the clit is and do you spend time there? If not, get busy!

You also might want to arrange for a baby sitter so you can have your home to yourself. I am very vocal when we are having sex and I prefer the kids to be out of the house so I can "let go."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

You obviously don't know anything about women. Our desire happens in the brain. If you insult us, we are not going to be turned on and the desire is gone. If a guy is being a jerk, it takes a lot of effort to get back in the mood, but then why would we want to get in the mood for a jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it has nothing to do w/the children and more to do w/the marriage in general.

I guess after being married for so many years, a marriage can begin to get stale.

Both of you need to work together to add some spice to your love life, both in and out of the bedroom.

Be creative and try new things.

It can be several causes, but I agree that sometimes marriages get stale because people take each other for granted. If they would act like they were still dating (you know, the love notes, flowers, back rubs etc.), then it would rekindle the spark.

I've been married almost a decade and things seem to get better. We have 2 children (8 and 3), and have sex at least once a week. Sometimes it's more, it all depends on our schedules. And the last couple of weeks we've all been sick with a stomach virus or something, so that affects our "sex schedule."

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to talk to your wife about sex. Does she ever say "yes!" "don't stop" or "Right there" "just like that" or anything else along those lines? If not, you're not doing the right things and she's not enjoying sex. IT's 50% your responsibility and 50% hers to figure out what works for her.

OP here. Sometimes she get's into the sex. Sometimes no. The biggest problem with a low-libido DW is trying to predict whether I am supposed to be focused on making sure she has a good time, or focused on finishing myself so she can go back about her day. See the problem?

Have tried the sex talks, bought sex toys, literotica, babysitters, etc. But that usually just puts pressure on the situation. Ultimately, it's 50% her responsibilty to get the mood set, and I would be open minded for anything at this point.

Ultimately, it seems like you can ruin a mood but can't do much to make someone want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

You sounds like victim/martyr mom. Sacrificing sleep, your health, your well-being, your marriage, your sex life, your own interests....not good for anyone at all. Why would you do that to yourself, to your husband and to your kids?

You guys are fucking hopeless. I'm simply stating that a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. If you're that fucking lazy in bed, then maybe you should spend some time examining yourself and less time accusing me of stupid shit.

I have no idea why people are piling on you, PP. I totally get what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously don't know anything about women. Our desire happens in the brain. If you insult us, we are not going to be turned on and the desire is gone. If a guy is being a jerk, it takes a lot of effort to get back in the mood, but then why would we want to get in the mood for a jerk?

Jesus Christ. I'm not trying to fuck YOU. Of course the key to a woman is her brain. My point is that many men, myself included, have tried over and over to be romantic, be intimate outside the bedroom, cook dinners, wash dishes- all the stuff I'm asked to do. If a man does all these things and is rebuffed for sex 90+% of the time, it gets discouraging. Being rejected by your spouse sucks. So after a few years of putting in the work and still not getting laid, damn right we may get lazy at times. But wtf would you do if your spouse refused to fuck you more than a couple times a year for THREE years? How willing would you be to keep doing all the heavy lifting in the intimacy department with no return?

Of course men and women are different but here's the thing- you expect us to WIN your affection thru your brain. You know how simple we are- is it too much to just grab our dick and have one for the fun of it? I will gladly put in the effort 90% of the time if 10% of the time my wife would give a bj just for the sake of a bj. Meet me somewhere in between, is that too hard?

And to the PP with the infant- OF COURSE YOU'RE TIRED, YOU HAVE AN INFANT AND A TODDLER. That's not what we're talking about here. If you're still feeling like this in three years, then you'll be in OP's position. But almost every man would understand why you're not wanting sexytime now. Stop being so defensive- you're not in the situation we're talking about here. But seriously- if you've got time to post this shit on DCUM, you probably have time for a nap. So don't try to sell the "infant pawing you all day" and "haven't slept for 2 years". You're buring hours with worthless screentime yet bitching about having no time for yourself. I'm not buying THAT part of your story.

[Anonymous]

What is she using for birth control? If it has a hormonal element, it could be killing her drive. The pill always did that for me.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so typical man...

Hey... How can I get more sex from my wife.

Helpful poster: try X, Y and Z also avoid A, B and C good luck.

Man: fuck that shit you high maintenance bit h can't we just fuck
Another stupid man: sing it brother

Jeez... Shut the f up and listen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think our situation is typical. Good sexual relationship before children came. After two kids, routine is generally once a week, although it's pretty obvious that it happens because DW feels sorry for me/wifely duty. Kids are now 3 and 5 so we are out of baby years.

I read about women whose libido spikes/returns with a gusto in their mid 30s-mid 40s. Is this something that just (hopefully) happens on it's own?

For what it's worth, we are both still in reasonably good shape, get babysitters, housekeeper, etc....

It's been over a decade for us, and we're pretty much at the point that it's just the quarterly Valentine's Day, birthday (mine), anniversary, holiday (sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas) cycle.

Hope you have better luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so typical man...

Hey... How can I get more sex from my wife.

Helpful poster: try X, Y and Z also avoid A, B and C good luck.

Man: fuck that shit you high maintenance bit h can't we just fuck
Another stupid man: sing it brother

Jeez... Shut the f up and listen!

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

[Anonymous]

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.