Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

[Anonymous]

Does she know you think she looks good and is attractive? It's hard to feel confident in bed when your body has gone through multiple pregnancies and has changed so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has control over whether she wants/desires sex? She has control over her libido?

Seriously, you believe that?

Well, if that's true then the DH sure as hell doesn't. No amount of dishes, cooking, and cleaning will help so PPs who say men should do more in these situations have no idea. Its unfortunate that sex often becomes the "chore of last resort" for many wives and husbands. Its not fair to their spouse. Instead of feeling offended or annoyed that your spouse finds you attractive and wants to be intimate, try to figure out what's wrong and fix it. Because without intimacy, the marriage becomes nothing more than roommates who share bills and a primary reason why so many spouses look elsewhere.

Again, when one partner repeatedly tries to be intimate and is rebuffed for YEARS, it gets very hard to keep putting in the effort. I shouldn't have to jump thru hoops every time for my wife to want sex. Meet me half way. Hell, meet me 10% of the way. When one spouse controls the frequency of sex, it creates much of the resentment you see here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

OP here. Yes, I want her to want to have sex. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. Would you be ok if your husband had no interest in sex, so he offered to use a dildo on you while he yawned and thought of the Redskins game? Of course not. You would probably rather go without.

I am totally fine and would happily accept the sympathy B.J. if it were also accompanied by the occasional "I really want to fuck you tonight" romp. I think all partners owe their spouses what it takes to get in the mood. If that means shutting off the football game/Real Housewives of NYC and taking time to fantasize, connect, etc, then do it at least once a week. If you can't muster once a week energy to maintain mutual sexual attraction with your spouse, you should consider allowing the sexual part of the relationship to be outsourced, right?

For what it's worth, I am not attacking DW. Her lack of drive is completely common. That's why I was looking for suggestions on what I could do/expect to make things better. I think we all would prefer to have a mutually satisfying marriage and duty sex is pretty much the antithesis of that. Lots of good suggestions here, so thanks to those who have responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

NP here: Ah, but there's the rub. It sounds like you've never experienced the kind of disengaged duty sex that often happens in those circumstances. It can be a terribly depressing experience. A woman may not be able to control her libido, but, similarly, a man often can't control being distressed about having committed himself to sexual exclusiveness with a partner who has lost interest in sex, either in general or as to him specifically. There may not be anyone to blame, but there aren't any easy answers either.

PP you quoted here. I agree 100%. No one is to blame. And yet, somehow, the wife gets the blame (at least, that is how it seems to me, reading here). I think that's why so many women post here about this topic in angry ways - even those who do have regular sex, despite no libido and being bone-tired, feel that no matter what they do, it is insufficient.

Sometimes I think nature (or God, or whatever) either planned badly, or plays nasty tricks on humans.

I think the reason the wife gets the blame is that, often, she tells her DH that she would be more interested in sex if he did x, y, or z, and when x, y, or z is done, it makes no difference. "Choreplay" is a good example; I think women often suggest this as a way to improve things, because they have heard or read that it can work, then the DH does it and it does not, in fact, work. So the DH feels misled. Maybe this isn't fair, because often the DW herself did not know what might improve things, but that's asking for a lot of understanding at that point. Particularly if the DH has made significant efforts to implement the things that were supposed to improve the situation.

The other dynamic that leads to blame, I think, is that the DW often isn't honest about her lack of libido, either not wanting to hurt her DH's feelings, or out of fear of the consequences such a revelation would prompt. But it always surfaces sooner or later, and when it does the DH often feels like his DW has been dishonest or covered it up. Which, I think, is not an unfair way to look at it; it's denying him information about a crucially important aspect of the marriage from his perspective.

I think this is a common dynamic: DW loses sexual interest in DH, but knows if she tells him that it will significantly destabilize the marriage, because no DH really signed up for a sexless or near-sexless marriage; DW engages in spin due to some combination of not wanting to hurt feelings/not wanting to jeopardize marriage; ultimately the truth comes out and there is a lot of hurt feelings and anger on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Responsibility and blame are not the same. Arguing for 50/50 responsibility is not blaming.

People who feel like something isn't within their realm of responsibility and ability can't affect change. The issue here is not blame, it's a call for both partners to step it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She has control over whether she wants/desires sex? She has control over her libido?

Seriously, you believe that?

Hormones are not an excuse. Everyone's responsible for what they do, whether it's action or inaction. Claiming to be a victim of desire (or lack thereof) is a refusal to accept personal responsibility.

Everyone is in control of their actions. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wife here...

I think once a week is not bad.

When I was single (before marriage with other long-term partners), I was probably having sex 3-4 times a week.

After marriage, probably once a week.

After a kid (and one on the way), hardly ever. I am just not interested anymore. I thought single sex was way better than married sex. And then kids wipe out any thought of sex.

Not flaming you by any stretch, but what, exactly, do you expect your husband to do in this position? If my DW felt this way--and she might but would never tell me--I would just prefer that she level with me and cut me loose. Does your DH know you feel this way?

PP here: Yes, my husband knows my feelings. We both agree sex was better before marriage. Also, he has low testosterone and doesn't have much of a drive. One of my exes had high testosterone and we were doing it all the time...but I could see how in a marriage, it could have been exhausting. I think the problem is me, but my husband does not seem to mind as he has his own issues. Part of the problem is that I really never wanted kids and my husband talking me into trying. We got pregnant one time. Second kid, same thing. So, it has almost been like sex has been a punishment. Just not carefree when reproduction is involved--hence, my lack of interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wife here...

I think once a week is not bad.

When I was single (before marriage with other long-term partners), I was probably having sex 3-4 times a week.

After marriage, probably once a week.

After a kid (and one on the way), hardly ever. I am just not interested anymore. I thought single sex was way better than married sex. And then kids wipe out any thought of sex.

Not flaming you by any stretch, but what, exactly, do you expect your husband to do in this position? If my DW felt this way--and she might but would never tell me--I would just prefer that she level with me and cut me loose. Does your DH know you feel this way?

PP here: Yes, my husband knows my feelings. We both agree sex was better before marriage. Also, he has low testosterone and doesn't have much of a drive. One of my exes had high testosterone and we were doing it all the time...but I could see how in a marriage, it could have been exhausting. I think the problem is me, but my husband does not seem to mind as he has his own issues. Part of the problem is that I really never wanted kids and my husband talking me into trying. We got pregnant one time. Second kid, same thing. So, it has almost been like sex has been a punishment. Just not carefree when reproduction is involved--hence, my lack of interest.

Whoah - that's f---cked up!! You didn't want kids and your husband manipulated you into having them????

Just a datapoint. We had a good sex life before kids. Then we had two kids when I was 36 and 40. Now at 42, I'm done nursing and ha d stopped using hormonal BC (I used the diaphragm instead - I recommend it) and we're back to 2-3 times a week. Dh would probably prefer every day but compared to a lot on this board, 2-3 times a seek is pretty decent. We're both happy with this. I definitely haven't lost attraction to DH. I still have a twinkle in my eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She has control over whether she wants/desires sex? She has control over her libido?

Seriously, you believe that?

Hormones are not an excuse. Everyone's responsible for what they do, whether it's action or inaction. Claiming to be a victim of desire (or lack thereof) is a refusal to accept personal responsibility.

Everyone is in control of their actions. No excuses.

But the argument you and a few others were making is that you can control being horny and "wanting" sex, not deciding you are going to have sex with your spouse because you want to make them happy. That's controlling your actions.