Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

[Anonymous]

Fault has nothing to do with it. Sometimes age and responsibility make things more difficult. For example, my wife has to work a little harder before I'll get an erection. (It's all relative -- when we met in my early 20s, just having a woman next to me was sufficient. Now some physical interaction is necessary.)

Point being, so what? If your wife agrees, "yes, I've changed. It's my fault" -- is she suddenly going to will herself into being hot for you? If not, do you really want to just use her body as a receptacle?

For most guys, I imagine what they want is for their wife to be an enthusiastic participant. As the years pass, that might require a little more effort. As long as she isn't an inert little princess, expecting me to do all of the work, then I don't begrudge working a little harder to help get her in the mood.

[Anonymous]

I believe responsibility is relevant. If it's not her responsibility, then she has no duty to make an effort to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

[Anonymous]

A wife here...

I think once a week is not bad.

When I was single (before marriage with other long-term partners), I was probably having sex 3-4 times a week.

After marriage, probably once a week.

After a kid (and one on the way), hardly ever. I am just not interested anymore. I thought single sex was way better than married sex. And then kids wipe out any thought of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

You sounds like victim/martyr mom. Sacrificing sleep, your health, your well-being, your marriage, your sex life, your own interests....not good for anyone at all. Why would you do that to yourself, to your husband and to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

Thank you for your rant but you could bother reading the OP before lashing out. Maybe you missed the whole post-infant nugget in the title because your situation is totally different than a sexless marriage with older kids. I get it- you're tired and pissed- but either try reading the OP or put down your phone and take a fucking nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

Thank you for your rant but you could bother reading the OP before lashing out. Maybe you missed the whole post-infant nugget in the title because your situation is totally different than a sexless marriage with older kids. I get it- you're tired and pissed- but either try reading the OP or put down your phone and take a fucking nap.

Did you read the accusations hurdled at me? That's what I was responding to, not OP's post. Nice try to back track though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish.

No kidding. Your fragile sexuality is the result of your husband's lack of effort? Is your stunning lack of insight his fault too?

Um, yes. When I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in two years, get zero time to myself, have an infant pawing at me all day... it's a fucking fragile state for me to be in the mood. So when I've spent all morning trying to fantasize and grooming myself and then my husband makes some crass remark about having sex, it just kills the moment. So yes, those times it certainly is his fault. I've also laughed at his joke when we were sorting of getting into it and then backed off and said "okaaaay, that doesn't really help". He knows it doesn't help. I have not turned the tables. You have ZERO idea how often we have sex or who initiates in our relationship. I'm sorry that the relationship you're in has you projecting this onto me, but you are dead wrong. You know, if I went to my husband, belched in his face and said "wanna go clam digging?" I wouldn't expect him to perform then and there. It's not "high maintenance" to not want the equivalent behavior done to me.

You sounds like victim/martyr mom. Sacrificing sleep, your health, your well-being, your marriage, your sex life, your own interests....not good for anyone at all. Why would you do that to yourself, to your husband and to your kids?

You guys are fucking hopeless. I'm simply stating that a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. If you're that fucking lazy in bed, then maybe you should spend some time examining yourself and less time accusing me of stupid shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood.

Good luck!

Yes x 100!

Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy.

I'm the PP who recommended against tepid pawing. I stand by that and, as an undersexed husband, I'm mostly focused on things I can do and - by extension - things that other undersexed husbands can do. That said . . .

A wife has some obligations here as well. It's a 50/50 relationship, so the woman ought to take up 50% of the work of getting the couple into the mood for good sex. I understand "ought to" sometimes only has a marginal relationship to reality, so if my wife is doing, say, 20% of the heavy lifting when it comes to sex, I'm reasonably happy with the situation.

Basically, if I flirt with her and she flirts back, I'm going to be happy with her effort.

Maybe related, maybe an aside - but very little drives me crazier than when, two days after the fact, she'll let me know "I was in the mood but you didn't make a move." I'm not a damn mind reader, woman!

She probably wasn't. She's just telling you that to make herself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are fucking hopeless. I'm simply stating that a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. If you're that fucking lazy in bed, then maybe you should spend some time examining yourself and less time accusing me of stupid shit.

Of course a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. Someone besides the OP threw that strawman out there. But it seems that you're saying men can't be lazy in bed, have to put in the effort, wine, dine, romance, and avoid annoying you with bad jokes while giving a free pass to wives who are lazy in bed. Plenty of women act like sex is a chore and turn down their husband's best efforts repeatedly. After a couple years of trying hard to be romantic yet getting turned down 9 times out of 10, its pretty fucking hard to see why the effort matters. And to be honest, it would be very nice if wives occasionally threw out a crass "wanna fuck" because for undersexed husbands, it WOULD cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A wife here...

I think once a week is not bad.

When I was single (before marriage with other long-term partners), I was probably having sex 3-4 times a week.

After marriage, probably once a week.

After a kid (and one on the way), hardly ever. I am just not interested anymore. I thought single sex was way better than married sex. And then kids wipe out any thought of sex.

Not flaming you by any stretch, but what, exactly, do you expect your husband to do in this position? If my DW felt this way--and she might but would never tell me--I would just prefer that she level with me and cut me loose. Does your DH know you feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Mine sure didn't. Then add a hysterectomy into it....
I feel like I've been neutered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are fucking hopeless. I'm simply stating that a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. If you're that fucking lazy in bed, then maybe you should spend some time examining yourself and less time accusing me of stupid shit.

Of course a crass "wanna fuck" doesn't cut it. Someone besides the OP threw that strawman out there. But it seems that you're saying men can't be lazy in bed, have to put in the effort, wine, dine, romance, and avoid annoying you with bad jokes while giving a free pass to wives who are lazy in bed. Plenty of women act like sex is a chore and turn down their husband's best efforts repeatedly. After a couple years of trying hard to be romantic yet getting turned down 9 times out of 10, its pretty fucking hard to see why the effort matters. And to be honest, it would be very nice if wives occasionally threw out a crass "wanna fuck" because for undersexed husbands, it WOULD cut it.

Sing it brother!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it has nothing to do w/the children and more to do w/the marriage in general.

I guess after being married for so many years, a marriage can begin to get stale.

Both of you need to work together to add some spice to your love life, both in and out of the bedroom.

Be creative and try new things.