Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I think our situation is typical. Good sexual relationship before children came. After two kids, routine is generally once a week, although it's pretty obvious that it happens because DW feels sorry for me/wifely duty. Kids are now 3 and 5 so we are out of baby years.
I read about women whose libido spikes/returns with a gusto in their mid 30s-mid 40s. Is this something that just (hopefully) happens on it's own? For what it's worth, we are both still in reasonably good shape, get babysitters, housekeeper, etc.... |
Anonymous
| Nope, probably not. |
Anonymous
| Mine definitely picked up mid thirties, but I've always been high drive. |
Anonymous
| That sucks, OP. I can't imagine. I guess I must be on be higher drive side, too. |
Anonymous
|
She could see a doctor. Sure she doesn't have other issues? Talk to her. TALK, do not fight or guilt her because that will do more harm than good.
|
Anonymous
| We were once a weekers when our kids were that age. In my late 30s, my drive came back. Hang in there OP! |
Anonymous
| OP, your schedule is 400% of ours. So even at your reduced rate there are other husbands who are jealous of you. |
Anonymous
| My kids are younger than yours, but we because once a week-ers after having kid #1 and it was totally wifely duty. I am happy to report that just now my libido is starting to come back. I actually like sex - although we probably don't do it more than 3 times a week at most because we just don't have time and are still tired. But when we do do it it doens't feel like a chore and that makes us want to do it more. Has really really helped our marriage. We were in a bad spot, but seem to be on a real upturn. |
Anonymous
|
Maybe it will come back, maybe it won't. I'd say that, with a 3 year old, it's still early days. But, it's probably the beginning of the rebuilding period. My view is that, during the pregnancy and infant years, sex is almost certainly going to suffer. The relationship probably will too. The best you can hope for is "do no harm," and even that might be ambitious.
Now is when you can start shoring up the husband-wife relationship, I think. Let her know in as non-pressurized way as you can that sex is important to a marriage and it should be somewhere on the priority list. Don't talk about it very often - just enough to make sure you're on the same page that sex is important in an abstract sense. That's about as far as you can go with a rational, discursive approach. You're not going to reason her into being horny. And I presume you're after mutually enjoyable sex, not just duty sex where you're essentially masturbating with her body. Try to be sexy again. If you're out of shape, start getting back in shape. Try to be higher energy and confident around her. (It's so easy to power down after you get home from work - very understandable, but not sexy.) Initiate in a nonverbal and unambiguous way. "Wanna do it?" and tepidly pawing at her are not good initiations. She's going to shoot you down. When she does shoot you down, shrug it off and don't whine. Go do something else that's fun and try again tomorrow or whenever you're in the mood. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Yes x 100! |
Anonymous
Thank you. Men seriously need to put in a little effort. Sometimes I'm psyching myself up for sex and then he does something crass, which might be mildly humorous, but when my drive is so fragile it just kills it entirely. How can I get myself in the psychological place I need to be to be turned on when I'm trying to ignore stupid jokes? Not sexy. |
Anonymous
Fantasizing makes all the difference in the world. The more sex you have, the fresher your material is going to be. You should take care of yourself to keep your mind and appropriate hormones going. Instead of getting annoyed with him, try to laugh. If it's totally killing it, tell him you need something different. Maybe romance isn't cutting it. You could try an animalistic approach. I hope you're not expecting your husband is going to be 100% responsible for your desire. Post children libido takes effort from both partners. |
Anonymous
|
I'm the PP. I wanted to add one more thought.
Think about how much more you like your partner right after sex. I am definitely less annoyed with mine when we're regularly having sex. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP who recommended against tepid pawing. I stand by that and, as an undersexed husband, I'm mostly focused on things I can do and - by extension - things that other undersexed husbands can do. That said . . . A wife has some obligations here as well. It's a 50/50 relationship, so the woman ought to take up 50% of the work of getting the couple into the mood for good sex. I understand "ought to" sometimes only has a marginal relationship to reality, so if my wife is doing, say, 20% of the heavy lifting when it comes to sex, I'm reasonably happy with the situation. Basically, if I flirt with her and she flirts back, I'm going to be happy with her effort. Maybe related, maybe an aside - but very little drives me crazier than when, two days after the fact, she'll let me know "I was in the mood but you didn't make a move." I'm not a damn mind reader, woman! |
Anonymous
Wow, how did you manage to have sex in the past? Is your husband acting differently than when the two of your were dating? Is he acting differently than he has in the past with regard to banter or sexual interaction? You are the one that is being high maintenance, "fragile" as you say, and then making it his fault for behaving as he always has. Grow a thicker skin and try harder to hold up your end. You are the one who has turned the tables, not him. You sound incredibly selfish. |