Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

I don't believe that. She does have control over it within a certain time frame after having a baby. The initial infant and toddler stages with sleeplessness and nursing suck, but it can come back with some effort on both partners' part.

Why would you just throw up your hands? I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

NP here: Ah, but there's the rub. It sounds like you've never experienced the kind of disengaged duty sex that often happens in those circumstances. It can be a terribly depressing experience. A woman may not be able to control her libido, but, similarly, a man often can't control being distressed about having committed himself to sexual exclusiveness with a partner who has lost interest in sex, either in general or as to him specifically. There may not be anyone to blame, but there aren't any easy answers either.

PP you quoted here. I agree 100%. No one is to blame. And yet, somehow, the wife gets the blame (at least, that is how it seems to me, reading here). I think that's why so many women post here about this topic in angry ways - even those who do have regular sex, despite no libido and being bone-tired, feel that no matter what they do, it is insufficient.

Sometimes I think nature (or God, or whatever) either planned badly, or plays nasty tricks on humans.



I think the reason the wife gets the blame is that, often, she tells her DH that she would be more interested in sex if he did x, y, or z, and when x, y, or z is done, it makes no difference. "Choreplay" is a good example; I think women often suggest this as a way to improve things, because they have heard or read that it can work, then the DH does it and it does not, in fact, work. So the DH feels misled. Maybe this isn't fair, because often the DW herself did not know what might improve things, but that's asking for a lot of understanding at that point. Particularly if the DH has made significant efforts to implement the things that were supposed to improve the situation.

The other dynamic that leads to blame, I think, is that the DW often isn't honest about her lack of libido, either not wanting to hurt her DH's feelings, or out of fear of the consequences such a revelation would prompt. But it always surfaces sooner or later, and when it does the DH often feels like his DW has been dishonest or covered it up. Which, I think, is not an unfair way to look at it; it's denying him information about a crucially important aspect of the marriage from his perspective.

I think this is a common dynamic: DW loses sexual interest in DH, but knows if she tells him that it will significantly destabilize the marriage, because no DH really signed up for a sexless or near-sexless marriage; DW engages in spin due to some combination of not wanting to hurt feelings/not wanting to jeopardize marriage; ultimately the truth comes out and there is a lot of hurt feelings and anger on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say if it hasn't come back by now, it probably won't. Not without some sort of major work.

Speaking as someone who, as soon as I healed up from delivery, was pretty impatient to get cleared to have sex with my husband post-birth, if someone's libido is really revving up, they will find a way to have sex often despite infant(s) and packed schedules. Sure, if she was still sore from delivery and/or getting no sleep, that's one thing. But the kids are not infants any more so that excuse is out.

I say, talk to her, OP, and let her know how she feels.

PP here. This is supposed to be 'how you feel'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

I don't believe that. She does have control over it within a certain time frame after having a baby. The initial infant and toddler stages with sleeplessness and nursing suck, but it can come back with some effort on both partners' part.

Why would you just throw up your hands? I don't understand.

(Double post. I'm trying to fix the quotes)

[Anonymous]

I'm so jealous of all the wives who have low sex drives. I'd love my husband to want me, rather than me having to make the first move 90% of the time. If I ever get divorced and remarry, forget the stable job thing. The number one thing I'd look for in a new mate is a guy that wants, really wants, sex more than three times a month. Who likes sex more than sleeping or TV.

[Anonymous]

To respond to the OP:

Yes, my libido came back, but it took awhile and it's not quite what it was. Your kids are still young, even if they are not infants, and are still physically demanding. I found that even when my kids were those ages (they are now preteen/young teen) I felt like they were so much in my space that my desire for affectionate contact was much less. Which is to say, when it got to the end of an exhausting day, I just wanted my body to myself.

Now that they are older, fatigue and lack of personal space aren't as much an issue, but it's still hard for DH and I to get together. Part of it is that we have always had different body clocks (morning person/night person). We definitely have to schedule sex. But we have also tried to make a point of having "naked snuggle time," even if nothing happens. This is great for fostering intimacy and warm feelings, even if it's not sexual.

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

DH here: this is true. Also, if a guy isn't in reasonably good shape, and isn't initiating rather aggressively, he should not be complaining about DW's libido. If he tries this and it doesn't help, then it is time to declare defeat and consider other alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

DH here: this is true. Also, if a guy isn't in reasonably good shape, and isn't initiating rather aggressively, he should not be complaining about DW's libido. If he tries this and it doesn't help, then it is time to declare defeat and consider other alternatives.

I feel so alone. I jump my husband and drag him to bed, or I wouldn't get any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

I don't believe that. She does have control over it within a certain time frame after having a baby. The initial infant and toddler stages with sleeplessness and nursing suck, but it can come back with some effort on both partners' part.

Why would you just throw up your hands? I don't understand. Who is throwing up their hands? If the partners are still having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

DH here: this is true. Also, if a guy isn't in reasonably good shape, and isn't initiating rather aggressively, he should not be complaining about DW's libido. If he tries this and it doesn't help, then it is time to declare defeat and consider other alternatives.

I feel so alone. I jump my husband and drag him to bed, or I wouldn't get any.

I think it is even harder for women in this situation, because men are "supposed" to always want sex. Has he always been this way? Is he out of shape? Low libido in men can be a straightforward medical issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

I don't believe that. She does have control over it within a certain time frame after having a baby. The initial infant and toddler stages with sleeplessness and nursing suck, but it can come back with some effort on both partners' part.

Why would you just throw up your hands? I don't understand.

Who is throwing up their hands? If the partners are still having sex?

There's a difference between a partner that desires you and one who offers pity or duty sex. Sex when your partner isn't into it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

DH here: this is true. Also, if a guy isn't in reasonably good shape, and isn't initiating rather aggressively, he should not be complaining about DW's libido. If he tries this and it doesn't help, then it is time to declare defeat and consider other alternatives.

I feel so alone. I jump my husband and drag him to bed, or I wouldn't get any.

I think it is even harder for women in this situation, because men are "supposed" to always want sex. Has he always been this way? Is he out of shape? Low libido in men can be a straightforward medical issue.

Yes, he's always been a little lower sex drive than I have. He's about 40 pounds overweight and drinks too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One more point, from my favorite sex guru Dan Savage -- a generalization, obviously, but often true. Men have sex because they're horny; women start having sex and then get horny. Sometimes your wife just needs to start going through the motions to get in the mood. If you're waiting for the magic moment when your wife is going to jump you and drag you off to bed, you're going to be waiting a long time.

DH here: this is true. Also, if a guy isn't in reasonably good shape, and isn't initiating rather aggressively, he should not be complaining about DW's libido. If he tries this and it doesn't help, then it is time to declare defeat and consider other alternatives.

I feel so alone. I jump my husband and drag him to bed, or I wouldn't get any.

I think it is even harder for women in this situation, because men are "supposed" to always want sex. Has he always been this way? Is he out of shape? Low libido in men can be a straightforward medical issue.

Yes, he's always been a little lower sex drive than I have. He's about 40 pounds overweight and drinks too much.

The weight and the drinking are quite possibly the problem. Have you raised those concerns with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

I don't believe that. She does have control over it within a certain time frame after having a baby. The initial infant and toddler stages with sleeplessness and nursing suck, but it can come back with some effort on both partners' part.

Why would you just throw up your hands? I don't understand.

(Double post. I'm trying to fix the quotes)

She has control over whether she wants/desires sex? She has control over her libido?

Seriously, you believe that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our only child is 4 and I don't feel like having sex with H. I still do it, but it's a duty.
First, I can't forget what an ass he was when the child was younger. Second, I just don't see anything in sex anymore - I think it is a big catch that makes you go for sacrifices, and then in the end it all is for reproduction, and then you reproduce and sex doesn't make sense anymore. I am sorry I am not totally coherent. I just think that sex is a big bait and switch in our lives.

Damn. your husband got the shit end of the stick.