Will DW's libido ever return post-infant years?

[Anonymous]

As a DW whose libido comes and goes, I really appreciate my husband spending time paying attention to me as a person. Ask me about my day after work. Laugh at my jokes. Lay in bed and chat with me at night. Am I still too tired tonight for sex? Maybe. But I might feel better about it tomorrow night, and then that builds on itself and before you know it we're having sex a few times a week again.
Wine/foot rubs are lovely, but really, show interest in me and I find that desirable.

[Anonymous]

Our only child is 4 and I don't feel like having sex with H. I still do it, but it's a duty.
First, I can't forget what an ass he was when the child was younger. Second, I just don't see anything in sex anymore - I think it is a big catch that makes you go for sacrifices, and then in the end it all is for reproduction, and then you reproduce and sex doesn't make sense anymore. I am sorry I am not totally coherent. I just think that sex is a big bait and switch in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a DW whose libido comes and goes, I really appreciate my husband spending time paying attention to me as a person. Ask me about my day after work. Laugh at my jokes. Lay in bed and chat with me at night. Am I still too tired tonight for sex? Maybe. But I might feel better about it tomorrow night, and then that builds on itself and before you know it we're having sex a few times a week again.
Wine/foot rubs are lovely, but really, show interest in me and I find that desirable.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your wife like? Is she a good mom and wife? Is she attractive as a woman and personality-wise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our only child is 4 and I don't feel like having sex with H. I still do it, but it's a duty.
First, I can't forget what an ass he was when the child was younger. Second, I just don't see anything in sex anymore - I think it is a big catch that makes you go for sacrifices, and then in the end it all is for reproduction, and then you reproduce and sex doesn't make sense anymore. I am sorry I am not totally coherent. I just think that sex is a big bait and switch in our lives.

You can get it back. You need to deal with whatever grievances you have because there are 2 things that will kill your marriage in a hurry: contempt and lack of sex.

I cannot comprehend giving up on something as enjoyable as sex. I understand that post baby dip, but I would never accept that as my fate. The closeness alone is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your wife like? Is she a good mom and wife? Is she attractive as a woman and personality-wise?

Wife is late 30s, conventionally attractive, really good personality when she get's out of "mom" mode. Good mom and homemaker. I wonder if being a SAHM is part of the problem; she isn't getting dressed up for work everyday, interacting with men, getting flirted with, etc.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

This. Also, I'm a little torqued by the "she needs to be a 50/50 partner in working at this" attitude. If she's like most women, she's doing way more than 50% of the work at most other things in your family's life. IF that's the case, it seems a little stingy to be like "on this, she needs to make as much effort as I do". Maybe she just doesn't have that much effort left to give after everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, probably not.

Mine did. It's a complicated interplay of stress, tiredness, hormones, the state of the relationship..... Nothing hornier than a 40 YO woman OP. I hope you can hang in there and that things get better. I believe they can get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

Ugh. This was the WORST part for me of those years. As a wife you know you need to take care of your DH's needs. So you do. And then you get criticized because you're not actually horny. You're not into it "enough". Which just pissed me off and turned me off. I worked, took care of the kids, took care of the house, gave BJs, and STILL had to listen to crap about how the sex was never (fill in the blank) enough. Frequent enough, horny enough, exciting enough, whatever.

Be careful OP, some of us just give up trying to please a man like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

NP here: Ah, but there's the rub. It sounds like you've never experienced the kind of disengaged duty sex that often happens in those circumstances. It can be a terribly depressing experience. A woman may not be able to control her libido, but, similarly, a man often can't control being distressed about having committed himself to sexual exclusiveness with a partner who has lost interest in sex, either in general or as to him specifically. There may not be anyone to blame, but there aren't any easy answers either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously! Have you though about doing more chores OP?

OP here. Yeah, I have tried "choreplay" but choreplay doesn't actually ramp up the libido. It may get a thank-you BJ. That's nice and all but not what I am concerned about. I am more interested in whether DW will regain her urge to have sex because she is, you know, actually desiring her husband as opposed to feeling like she should do something to be nice.

Here's the thing: She doesn't control that. She really doesn't. So if she has sex to be nice (and not because she desires it - she doesn't), that's not enough either? You need for her to both have sex and *want* to have sex, just having sex is not enough for you? Even though she has no control over her lack of libido?

NP here: Ah, but there's the rub. It sounds like you've never experienced the kind of disengaged duty sex that often happens in those circumstances. It can be a terribly depressing experience. A woman may not be able to control her libido, but, similarly, a man often can't control being distressed about having committed himself to sexual exclusiveness with a partner who has lost interest in sex, either in general or as to him specifically. There may not be anyone to blame, but there aren't any easy answers either.

PP you quoted here. I agree 100%. No one is to blame. And yet, somehow, the wife gets the blame (at least, that is how it seems to me, reading here). I think that's why so many women post here about this topic in angry ways - even those who do have regular sex, despite no libido and being bone-tired, feel that no matter what they do, it is insufficient.

Sometimes I think nature (or God, or whatever) either planned badly, or plays nasty tricks on humans.

[Anonymous]

I read recently that a difficult baby that keeps you up at night has a survival advantage, because it means mom and dad are less likely to have sex, and the baby is less likely to have to compete with a sibling any time soon. So yes, I think nature finds ways to discourage sex after babies.

[Anonymous]

I'd say if it hasn't come back by now, it probably won't. Not without some sort of major work.

Speaking as someone who, as soon as I healed up from delivery, was pretty impatient to get cleared to have sex with my husband post-birth, if someone's libido is really revving up, they will find a way to have sex often despite infant(s) and packed schedules. Sure, if she was still sore from delivery and/or getting no sleep, that's one thing. But the kids are not infants any more so that excuse is out.

I say, talk to her, OP, and let her know how she feels.