Disclosing if you’re sleeping with other people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo have been dating for 5 weeks, seeing each other about once a week. They’ve slept together 3 times.

The last time they met up (which was early afternoon), Larlo mentioned he had plans that evening. Larla asked if it was a date, Larlo said yes. Larla asked if Larlo was sleeping with her as well, Larlo said yes.

Larla broke things off because while he didn’t directly lie, he failed to communicate he was sleeping with someone else. Larlo maintains that he did nothing wrong since they hadn’t talked about being exclusive, and was still figuring out which woman he wanted to commit to, but has told Larla he will stop seeing the other woman and exclusively date her.

Larla is debating it, but is leaning towards no, because she believes he should have been upfront and honest about sleeping with someone else even if they weren’t exclusive because of the emotional and STD risks. Dating others would have been fine, sleeping with them, not okay. Also, felt very gross that Larlo literally slept with her that afternoon and the other woman that evening.

Who is right/wrong here?

No one did anything wrong. Some people require an emotional connection. Some people don't. Some are fine with partners sleeping around. Some aren't - probably most. But when in dating mode, this should all be settled before getting intimate. The thing with apps and dating is that there are unlimited options for attractive people. Basically, he's not that into you - so to speak - if he's seeing other women 5 weeks in when you have already been intimate. You're not wrong to drop him. And he's not wrong to keep sleeping around, because obviously monogamy and giving things a chance is not his focus. The dude is a player. And so are a lot of women. Be direct and straightforward about your needs and expectations before getting intimate. There's often a big difference between a fun night and I want to marry this person. This dude is in fun night mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo are both right.
Larla and Larlo simply hold different beliefs.
Larlo likes to sleep around until being asked to be exclusive.
Larla values a man who is naturally exclusive without needing to be asked.

Because of this, Larla should break up with Larlo.

OP. I think I agree with this. Neither is 'wrong', but they're just incompatible.

Larlo is still actively pursuing Larla and seems to genuinely want a relationship, but Larla doesn't want someone who needs a discussion over everything they can/can't do and is concerned it will cause future problems. Part of the problem is in her last relationship, her ex would do things such as getting on dating apps or talking to women on social media and claim "you never SAID I couldn't DM random women!"

I think I'll tell Larla to just move on, even if he's a decent guy, they're just not compatible.

It sounds as though Larla/OP doesn't feel fully satisfied with her line-in-the-sand decision. If she did, she wouldn't need to crowdsource it on the internet. Plus she misses Larlo's D.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo are both right.
Larla and Larlo simply hold different beliefs.
Larlo likes to sleep around until being asked to be exclusive.
Larla values a man who is naturally exclusive without needing to be asked.

Because of this, Larla should break up with Larlo.

Sure, but the issue is that his choice functions with others with different rules (ie they discuss and resolve if it comes up). If she continues to play the game that way she will be repeatedly disappointed anytime she encounters someone not playing by her expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo are both right.
Larla and Larlo simply hold different beliefs.
Larlo likes to sleep around until being asked to be exclusive.
Larla values a man who is naturally exclusive without needing to be asked.

Because of this, Larla should break up with Larlo.

I agree with your first two points, but I think the bolded point is wrong. Larla is upset and jealous that Larlo is sleeping with other Larlae, but simultaneously is also compelled to wonder what makes Larlo so desirable to other women that he is able to have an assortment of Larlae at his disposal for sex encounters. This is why Larla is asking the community for "advice" in this situation rather than simply dumping Larlo and pursuing a monogamous man, whom she might secretly suspect and fear is only monogamous not by moral rectitude but by lack of desirability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up only whores and man sluts slept with multiple people at the same time.

+1

Gross

[Anonymous]

I'm mostly with Larlo.

And lemme tell ya, a lot of you who say you would never do what Larlo did are with partners who absolutely would and did do what Larlo did, or something close to it, but never told you. I'm talking about both men and women. Two in a day may be unusual. Two in a week or even a weekend isn't all that unusual.

A LOT of people are sexually attracted and emotionally connected to two people at the same time. Not everyone acts on it but many who act on it so.

That doesn't mean these people are immoral or unreliable or bad.

[Anonymous]

Honesty is the only policy for a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

If he does this?

He’s just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

Larla is correct.

He needs to sleep with them both to figure out who he likes more? No thank you. If a guy doesnt know right away that there is that special spark with me, forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo are both right.
Larla and Larlo simply hold different beliefs.
Larlo likes to sleep around until being asked to be exclusive.
Larla values a man who is naturally exclusive without needing to be asked.

Because of this, Larla should break up with Larlo.

OP. I think I agree with this. Neither is 'wrong', but they're just incompatible.

Larlo is still actively pursuing Larla and seems to genuinely want a relationship, but Larla doesn't want someone who needs a discussion over everything they can/can't do and is concerned it will cause future problems. Part of the problem is in her last relationship, her ex would do things such as getting on dating apps or talking to women on social media and claim "you never SAID I couldn't DM random women!"

I think I'll tell Larla to just move on, even if he's a decent guy, they're just not compatible.

These are two different situations. What you described in her previous relationship is cheating - assuming they were monogamous and exclusive. What Larlo did is not cheating. When she asked (after the fact) he was honest. There was no expectation of exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up only whores and man sluts slept with multiple people at the same time.

+1

Gross

+2
Who would want a guy like that! Presumably he is dating you cause he really really likes you....guess not then.
Bye to that guy

[Anonymous]

What’s the wealth disparity between Larlo and Larla?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up only whores and man sluts slept with multiple people at the same time.

You are not old-fashioned. This is being normal and having healthy boundaries and morals. Even mentally healthy young people are having self-respect and not degrading themselves hooking up indiscriminately.

Man who will put it this way. When I was dating around, understood that the woman was also meeting other people. But once it started getting intimate, for a variety of reasons I usually focused on one person.

Sleeping with someone is a big deal for me. If the woman had a more casual approach, we wouldn't be a good match. And that's fine. But the important thing is knowing what emotionally is healthy for oneself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm mostly with Larlo.

And lemme tell ya, a lot of you who say you would never do what Larlo did are with partners who absolutely would and did do what Larlo did, or something close to it, but never told you. I'm talking about both men and women. Two in a day may be unusual. Two in a week or even a weekend isn't all that unusual.

A LOT of people are sexually attracted and emotionally connected to two people at the same time. Not everyone acts on it but many who act on it so.

That doesn't mean these people are immoral or unreliable or bad.

I'd be more suspicious of a guy who wasn't sleeping around when not in a committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

Promiscuous millennials… we didn’t do that in GenX, and young people don’t do that either. It’s considered gross, and serious/normal people don’t do that. Way to ruin your reputation in high school/college - for both men and women.