Disclosing if you’re sleeping with other people

[Anonymous]

Larla and Larlo have been dating for 5 weeks, seeing each other about once a week. They’ve slept together 3 times.

The last time they met up (which was early afternoon), Larlo mentioned he had plans that evening. Larla asked if it was a date, Larlo said yes. Larla asked if Larlo was sleeping with her as well, Larlo said yes.

Larla broke things off because while he didn’t directly lie, he failed to communicate he was sleeping with someone else. Larlo maintains that he did nothing wrong since they hadn’t talked about being exclusive, and was still figuring out which woman he wanted to commit to, but has told Larla he will stop seeing the other woman and exclusively date her.

Larla is debating it, but is leaning towards no, because she believes he should have been upfront and honest about sleeping with someone else even if they weren’t exclusive because of the emotional and STD risks. Dating others would have been fine, sleeping with them, not okay. Also, felt very gross that Larlo literally slept with her that afternoon and the other woman that evening.

Who is right/wrong here?

[Anonymous]

If you want to be exclusive with the people you sleep with, it’s on you to discuss that before you do the deed. The reality of modern dating is just what you described. Did you discuss STD testing before you slept together? You could ask “when were you last tested and have you slept with anyone since?” Or “Are you sleeping with anyone else.”

[Anonymous]

Maybe don't' sleep with someone after 2 dates?

[Anonymous]

Larlo did nothing wrong; it is reasonable, however, for Larla to find this off-putting and punt him on that basis. I would, however, caution Larla from doing so if she really likes this guy, as this appears to arise from unclear communication, could have been avoided by her as well, and looks like it has been fixed going forward.

[Anonymous]

Larla should work on her communication skills and stop expecting people to read her mind. If Larla expects Larlo to be exclusively dating her, she should have a conversation with him where she explicitly addresses that issue. Larla is not wrong to feel icked out by Larlo's promiscuity . . . she need not accept that . . . but she is wrong to expect him to intuit her expectations about exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

It’s up to her whether she wants a life of debating technicalities of trust with her partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla and Larlo have been dating for 5 weeks, seeing each other about once a week. They’ve slept together 3 times.

The last time they met up (which was early afternoon), Larlo mentioned he had plans that evening. Larla asked if it was a date, Larlo said yes. Larla asked if Larlo was sleeping with her as well, Larlo said yes.

Larla broke things off because while he didn’t directly lie, he failed to communicate he was sleeping with someone else. Larlo maintains that he did nothing wrong since they hadn’t talked about being exclusive, and was still figuring out which woman he wanted to commit to, but has told Larla he will stop seeing the other woman and exclusively date her.

Larla is debating it, but is leaning towards no, because she believes he should have been upfront and honest about sleeping with someone else even if they weren’t exclusive because of the emotional and STD risks. Dating others would have been fine, sleeping with them, not okay. Also, felt very gross that Larlo literally slept with her that afternoon and the other woman that evening.

Who is right/wrong here?

When I was single, I always assumed the person was sleeping with (or at least seeing) others. It's not exclusive until you explicitly discuss that. Use protection until then like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla should work on her communication skills and stop expecting people to read her mind. If Larla expects Larlo to be exclusively dating her, she should have a conversation with him where she explicitly addresses that issue. Larla is not wrong to feel icked out by Larlo's promiscuity . . . she need not accept that . . . but she is wrong to expect him to intuit her expectations about exclusivity.

Agree with this. A gentleman wouldn't be screwing around with 2 women simultaneously because he would recognize the potential for emotional damage. Larlo is an opportunist. That kind of guy can do well in careers but may not make great DH material. I would dump now before getting too involved.

[Anonymous]

Larlo did nothing wrong. Larla needs to learn how to communicate better and understand the game better. It is possible for a guy to fall for you hard after a few dates and be exclusive without having to discuss it - but Larla would have known if that was the case. If you are still just seeing each other once a week, he is not that into you (yet). Also if Larla reflects, she is probably operating more out of pride than actually assessing whether she likes Larlo.

[Anonymous]

If exclusivity is important to you then you need to have the talk before doing the horizontal mambo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larlo did nothing wrong. Larla needs to learn how to communicate better and understand the game better. It is possible for a guy to fall for you hard after a few dates and be exclusive without having to discuss it - but Larla would have known if that was the case. If you are still just seeing each other once a week, he is not that into you (yet). Also if Larla reflects, she is probably operating more out of pride than actually assessing whether she likes Larlo.

Larla says it’s not about falling for someone that early on, or pride. It’s more that a lack of disclosure shows a difference in values, as she wouldn’t sleep with two men simultaneously, or would be upfront about as as she believes it’s important to be upfront so the other person can make a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Larlo did nothing wrong. Larla needs to learn how to communicate better and understand the game better. It is possible for a guy to fall for you hard after a few dates and be exclusive without having to discuss it - but Larla would have known if that was the case. If you are still just seeing each other once a week, he is not that into you (yet). Also if Larla reflects, she is probably operating more out of pride than actually assessing whether she likes Larlo.

Larla says it’s not about falling for someone that early on, or pride. It’s more that a lack of disclosure shows a difference in values, as she wouldn’t sleep with two men simultaneously, or would be upfront about as as she believes it’s important to be upfront so the other person can make a decision.

That's fine, but Larla should not expect anyone to be "upfront" about such things unless Larla specifically addresses the topic. Larlo is not the guy for Larla but, going forward, Larla should have explicit conversations to determine a potential partner's thoughts about such things rather than assume everyone is like Larla.

[Anonymous]

Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up only whores and man sluts slept with multiple people at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Agree that before you sleep with someone you ask if they’re sleeping with other people. I can’t imagine sleeping with more than one person at a time and I am incredibly sex positive.

[Anonymous]

As a woman, I did sleep/date several men at a time but I was upfront about not being exclusive, asked for recent STD testing, tested myself and used protection. There was no oral sex.
The devil is in the detail. I would be still pretty disgusted that a man slept with another woman in a few hours after leaving my bed. That is rare even for poly people.