3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I wouldn't go too hard on "what an awful person Larla is" either. Because they may be friends, or in the same friend group, in the future, and they're all kids and make mistakes. And OP truly does not know the whole story. Don't teach your kid to accept bad treatment, but don't put her in a situation where she has to avoid someone and never forgive them. Also she may be assigned to work with this kid in class in the future. So try to preserve your DD's ability to do that.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, it hurts when your kids aren’t happy.

Friendship shifts are more common than not, and since these young kids are not yet fully developed, they don’t have the social skill to do so gracefully.

Prepare yourself for a long road of dealing with emotions about friendships!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid invited a a bunch of girls she doesn’t know well to her 9th birthday and they all came and seemed to have a good time. She said funny things like “I need to invite larla because I’m having chocolate cake and she LOVES chocolate cake” or “I’m inviting Larla because once we were partners in gym and she said she loved roller skating.”

At 9, most kids seem to like b day parties without much thought about who is celebrating. I was worried kids wouldn’t want to come, but they showed up and reciprocated the invitation to their parties. Some have become closer friends.

This. I have two kids around this age, including a nine year old DD and she LOVES a birthday party. My DS who is a little younger has some social skills delays and we always cast a wide net for his birthday and have a ton of friends come out. A few have become playdate friends and they all invite him to their parties, which widens the social net.

If we are invited, I make the effort to go because I am trying to teach them to show up for people the way they want to be shown up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back! I do appreciate this feedback and I totally hear that my activity planning and playdate stuff might have come off as aggressive or self serving. It really didn’t come from that place (really truly I have a job where I’m available after school and they do not and their kid didn’t get into our district’s aftercare program - I was honestly trying to “be a villager” because I think it’s hard out here for everybody!). But I can see the other side for sure. This why I asked here!

I would actually be so fine if they all just wanted some space — I see here that I seem controlling or whatever but I like said I’ve always told dd to diversify friendships in case something like this happened. It’s the 180: the ghosting and the meanness (I saw the “Go away [dd]” myself when I was volunteering at an after school event).

And yes for sure I’m having a hard time with it and that’s on me; my daughter is just feeling adrift and, aside from continuing to push her to broaden her experiences and activities and circle, idk what else to do when she’s still holding on to something that I see as dissolved where she either doesn’t see it or doesn’t WANT to see it.

Thanks again, all!

I picked up on this from your OP and was one of the early commenters. I think, to be blunt, these parents really suck if you did all of this childcare for them and they are now also ghosting you. I wouldn't convey that message to my kid, obviously, but it says a lot about the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back! I do appreciate this feedback and I totally hear that my activity planning and playdate stuff might have come off as aggressive or self serving. It really didn’t come from that place (really truly I have a job where I’m available after school and they do not and their kid didn’t get into our district’s aftercare program - I was honestly trying to “be a villager” because I think it’s hard out here for everybody!). But I can see the other side for sure. This why I asked here!

I would actually be so fine if they all just wanted some space — I see here that I seem controlling or whatever but I like said I’ve always told dd to diversify friendships in case something like this happened. It’s the 180: the ghosting and the meanness (I saw the “Go away [dd]” myself when I was volunteering at an after school event).

And yes for sure I’m having a hard time with it and that’s on me; my daughter is just feeling adrift and, aside from continuing to push her to broaden her experiences and activities and circle, idk what else to do when she’s still holding on to something that I see as dissolved where she either doesn’t see it or doesn’t WANT to see it.

Thanks again, all!

I picked up on this from your OP and was one of the early commenters. I think, to be blunt, these parents really suck if you did all of this childcare for them and they are now also ghosting you. I wouldn't convey that message to my kid, obviously, but it says a lot about the family.

But this is precisely why I am skeptical that OP's perspective is the full story. Because if it's as OP said, then these parents are just jerks and users. And yes, there are people like that in the world. But OP says she's known this family for four years and the kids were close. I have a hard time believing that for 3 years the family was great and the kids were close, and then suddenly in year 4, the girl ditched OP's DD and the parents just ghost.

I really think the most likely thing is that the girls had a falling out that OP doesn't have the details on, and that what is being perceived as "ditching my DD for the cool kids" and "ghosting" may actually be the other girl setting a boundary and the parents feeling awkward that the girls are no longer friends.

[Anonymous]

At first I thought you may be controlling and too invested, but reading your reply to the comments I think you're just a good mom who cares! My daughter is the same age, if I weren't across the country I would say let's have a playdate ha!

Some parents just aren't invested in their kids friendships as much. I was kind of like this until this year, because I teach at my kids school now and got to know all the students. Honestly there's so much bullying, I would probably just be happy your daughter isn't getting bullied. Last year my daughter was called the N word among other things (second grade!). With everything going on in the US right now these parents might be stressed and not interested in dealing with it.

Its a helpless feeling, but your dd will make new friends. Most of the 3rd graders, even 4th and 5th graders don't seem to have best friends at my kids school. They kind of all hang out together.

[Anonymous]

"L’s parents were kind of unorganized, so I took it upon myself to help L get involved in soccer, gymnastics, etc with my daughter". Were they unorganized, or were they uninterested and neglectful? Go all the way to the potential truth here. I remember my (now young adult) children having friends in grade school who suddenly cut them off, unfriended them abruptly, as if my child were no longer good enough to be friends with -- only later to see that girl's parents divorce acrimoniously. In a few cases, it became very clear to me while a girl and my daughter were still friends how that girl's parents were largely checked out on this kid's life. What happened is the girl began acting out in strange ways, maybe becoming more manipulative and mean toward my daughter before cutting her off in spectacular fashion. When kids don't feel noticed or in control inside their own home, they can act out on a close friend almost as a place to put the anger and frustration they're feeling inside. I saw it happen more than once with both my daughters where a girl friend in grade school treated them increasingly badly, cut them off, etc. only to find out later the parents were divorcing. In the most egregious case of treating my daughter badly, the mom up and left the family, just walked away and never came back. All of the sudden, it made sense to me why her daughter was being so mean to my daughter. So there might be home-based reasons for kids acting out like this, too.

[Anonymous]

Kid’s friendships will be very much in flux from third grade all the way to high school. It is difficult when parent’s friendships are based on the kids. In op’s situation, the other parents may be doing nothing more than not interfering with a change in their kid’s desire to hang out with op’s kid. I wouldn’t read more into it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what to say, either. Do I reach out to the mom and be like what’s up? PP here (the one with young adult children): You don't say a word to this mother. You don't reach out, you chalk it up to that parent's immaturity that she cannot use her words. Is she 12 or 42? Because she's acting 12. Some people never mature beyond that age. You maintain your adult dignity, OP. You remain unflappable, kind, you smile and you keep showing up to the activity. In doing so, you show your child how to retain her dignity and hold her head high. At points, life forces us to walk alone for a time but you'll come out of it stronger for the experience. Not all friends are real friends -- a good life lesson, albeit a hard one to experience. You redirect your child to new activities, new friendships. You explain that sometimes friendships fade or don't work out for whatever reason. You're a good kid, a great person, and this too shall pass. You tell your child every day how awesome you think she is.

[Anonymous]

My kid got dumped in 2nd grade by a bestie. He needed to finish out the year and then in 3rd grade he made new friends. He's in high school now and I still remember the names of all the kids involved. And yes, he is fine.

It sucked. And also it's a good lesson.

Diversify, diversify, diversify and do not let a child focus that much energy on one friend. That is fine if she is better one-on-one. She should have multiple one-on-one friendships. She is young enough you can facilitate and encourage this.

[Anonymous]

OP back - again with lots of gratitude. I used to live in DC and used this forum quite frequently when I was there, but it’s been a few years as I moved to the Midwest. I knew I would get a variety of perspectives here and I’m glad I posted! I know my original post wasn’t edited well and I tried to keep it brief so details and nuance were a bit lost so I’m appreciative of those who pointed out those holes. It’s important!

A little more context is in first grade, L’s mom asked for a playdate and I was like oh no! I can’t! Dd is in gymnastics tonight but maybe later! That turned into her asking me about gymnastics and signing L up for the same class. Same thing with soccer. So we grew from there and the signing up for the same classes seemed so mutual. And then I kind of slowly accumulated more of the driving responsibilities because my job is more flexible. And because the parents kept missing sign ups for things like daddy daughter dance, girls on the run, end of year stuff, etc. I just kind of reminded them about sign up dates and things coming up. So I don’t thinkkkkk too pushy on our part (including my dd since I was around a lot of their after school interactions - I definitely would have counseled her out of any obsessive behavior). Like I said they’re both onlies and both young for their grade so they had the usual used-to-getting-their-way-at-home thing, but I didn’t notice anything aggressive about their interactions, honestly.

I’m also appreciative of the feedback about the big birthday party and how it’s NOT WEIRD to do that! I think I talked her into an all the girls in the class thing at her gymnastics studio (including L - we’ll see, eh?).

I’m also trying to be careful about how I talk about the situation. Thanks all for your feedback there, as well! It’s a tough balance for sure and — like many of you pointed out — we’ve got a long road ahead of us in this regard (and many others, I’m sure!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back - again with lots of gratitude. I used to live in DC and used this forum quite frequently when I was there, but it’s been a few years as I moved to the Midwest. I knew I would get a variety of perspectives here and I’m glad I posted! I know my original post wasn’t edited well and I tried to keep it brief so details and nuance were a bit lost so I’m appreciative of those who pointed out those holes. It’s important!

A little more context is in first grade, L’s mom asked for a playdate and I was like oh no! I can’t! Dd is in gymnastics tonight but maybe later! That turned into her asking me about gymnastics and signing L up for the same class. Same thing with soccer. So we grew from there and the signing up for the same classes seemed so mutual. And then I kind of slowly accumulated more of the driving responsibilities because my job is more flexible. And because the parents kept missing sign ups for things like daddy daughter dance, girls on the run, end of year stuff, etc. I just kind of reminded them about sign up dates and things coming up. So I don’t thinkkkkk too pushy on our part (including my dd since I was around a lot of their after school interactions - I definitely would have counseled her out of any obsessive behavior). Like I said they’re both onlies and both young for their grade so they had the usual used-to-getting-their-way-at-home thing, but I didn’t notice anything aggressive about their interactions, honestly.

I’m also appreciative of the feedback about the big birthday party and how it’s NOT WEIRD to do that! I think I talked her into an all the girls in the class thing at her gymnastics studio (including L - we’ll see, eh?).

I’m also trying to be careful about how I talk about the situation. Thanks all for your feedback there, as well! It’s a tough balance for sure and — like many of you pointed out — we’ve got a long road ahead of us in this regard (and many others, I’m sure!).

You said that L stopped hanging out with your DD at the beginning of this school year. Did the ghosting by the other family happen then or more recently? Also, why is this coming up now if the falling out happened so many months ago? You said you witnessed L saying "go away" to your daughter at school -- what was the context?

I am still honestly a little confused about this.

[Anonymous]

Actually iit does sound a bit pushy: I would just take a step back on the L front. Let her parents be the ones to reach out to you. They could handle it better but it’s awkward when another parent is always inviting your child and your child has no interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - again with lots of gratitude. I used to live in DC and used this forum quite frequently when I was there, but it’s been a few years as I moved to the Midwest. I knew I would get a variety of perspectives here and I’m glad I posted! I know my original post wasn’t edited well and I tried to keep it brief so details and nuance were a bit lost so I’m appreciative of those who pointed out those holes. It’s important!

A little more context is in first grade, L’s mom asked for a playdate and I was like oh no! I can’t! Dd is in gymnastics tonight but maybe later! That turned into her asking me about gymnastics and signing L up for the same class. Same thing with soccer. So we grew from there and the signing up for the same classes seemed so mutual. And then I kind of slowly accumulated more of the driving responsibilities because my job is more flexible. And because the parents kept missing sign ups for things like daddy daughter dance, girls on the run, end of year stuff, etc. I just kind of reminded them about sign up dates and things coming up. So I don’t thinkkkkk too pushy on our part (including my dd since I was around a lot of their after school interactions - I definitely would have counseled her out of any obsessive behavior). Like I said they’re both onlies and both young for their grade so they had the usual used-to-getting-their-way-at-home thing, but I didn’t notice anything aggressive about their interactions, honestly.

I’m also appreciative of the feedback about the big birthday party and how it’s NOT WEIRD to do that! I think I talked her into an all the girls in the class thing at her gymnastics studio (including L - we’ll see, eh?).

I’m also trying to be careful about how I talk about the situation. Thanks all for your feedback there, as well! It’s a tough balance for sure and — like many of you pointed out — we’ve got a long road ahead of us in this regard (and many others, I’m sure!).

You said that L stopped hanging out with your DD at the beginning of this school year. Did the ghosting by the other family happen then or more recently? Also, why is this coming up now if the falling out happened so many months ago? You said you witnessed L saying "go away" to your daughter at school -- what was the context?

I am still honestly a little confused about this.

Yeah no I get it for sure. The ghosting happened at the beginning of the year and we’ve been dealing with feelings all year; dd’s upcoming birthday party was the catalyst for this post because it brought the feelings front and center (for her and for me, too!). The comment I witnessed was when I was volunteering at play practice with the rest of the grade — not a play date or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back - again with lots of gratitude. I used to live in DC and used this forum quite frequently when I was there, but it’s been a few years as I moved to the Midwest. I knew I would get a variety of perspectives here and I’m glad I posted! I know my original post wasn’t edited well and I tried to keep it brief so details and nuance were a bit lost so I’m appreciative of those who pointed out those holes. It’s important!

A little more context is in first grade, L’s mom asked for a playdate and I was like oh no! I can’t! Dd is in gymnastics tonight but maybe later! That turned into her asking me about gymnastics and signing L up for the same class. Same thing with soccer. So we grew from there and the signing up for the same classes seemed so mutual. And then I kind of slowly accumulated more of the driving responsibilities because my job is more flexible. And because the parents kept missing sign ups for things like daddy daughter dance, girls on the run, end of year stuff, etc. I just kind of reminded them about sign up dates and things coming up. So I don’t thinkkkkk too pushy on our part (including my dd since I was around a lot of their after school interactions - I definitely would have counseled her out of any obsessive behavior). Like I said they’re both onlies and both young for their grade so they had the usual used-to-getting-their-way-at-home thing, but I didn’t notice anything aggressive about their interactions, honestly.

I’m also appreciative of the feedback about the big birthday party and how it’s NOT WEIRD to do that! I think I talked her into an all the girls in the class thing at her gymnastics studio (including L - we’ll see, eh?).

I’m also trying to be careful about how I talk about the situation. Thanks all for your feedback there, as well! It’s a tough balance for sure and — like many of you pointed out — we’ve got a long road ahead of us in this regard (and many others, I’m sure!).

You said that L stopped hanging out with your DD at the beginning of this school year. Did the ghosting by the other family happen then or more recently? Also, why is this coming up now if the falling out happened so many months ago? You said you witnessed L saying "go away" to your daughter at school -- what was the context?

I am still honestly a little confused about this.

Yeah no I get it for sure. The ghosting happened at the beginning of the year and we’ve been dealing with feelings all year; dd’s upcoming birthday party was the catalyst for this post because it brought the feelings front and center (for her and for me, too!). The comment I witnessed was when I was volunteering at play practice with the rest of the grade — not a play date or anything like that.

Ok, I'm going to be honest with you: I think a lot of this is in your head. I also think your level of involvement at school and in your kid's life just sounds like a lot and may be contributing to the problem. Sometimes I find this saying dismissive but I really think it applies here: do less.

My advice to you is to let go of L and try to help your DD let go too. I would be careful about framing this as L ditching your DD for the "cool kids." First, because I am not really convinced that's what happened. And second, because I think it's a framing that is actively detrimental to your DD and is really about projecting your own insecurities (about not being cool, being an outsider) onto your DD. Don't give her that baggage. Try to stop conceiving of these kids as cool or "not cool." They are all just children figuring life out. I would frame it positively as L and your DD growing apart, and suggest to your DD that it's an opportunity to get to know other kids better.

Also, did you have a bestie at this age? Are you still friends with them? I didn't and am not still friends with anyone from elementary beyond like Facebook updates, and I have zero regrets about that. My close friends are people I made in HS, college, and my 20s, when I had a better idea of who I am and was more fully formed. The kids I played with in elementary were friends of convenience, not lifelong connections. They aren't bad people, we just outgrew each other. I'd look at your own friendship history and maybe share some of this with your DD to help put it in perspective. It is really no big deal that her bestie from K or 1st grade is no longer her friend. She has nothing but time for developing meaningful connections with other people and is really just getting started. This isn't even a set back. It's a common occurrence and ultimately willy not matter.

On the first page of this thread someone said "she won't remember this girl in 6 months." That might not be true in your DD's case if they go to school together, but I would assume that things will look very different in 6 months, especially if you encourage her to turn the page on L and branch out more.

Second, I think you need to leave L's parents alone and maybe accept that your behavior toward's her family may have been a little to much. To be frank, what you are describing would have driven me nuts. I would likely tolerate just because I wouldn't want to offend you and disrupt a friendship, but if there was a mom who was frequently texting me "reminders" about sign ups and saying "oh I'll drive them!" all the time and just being this level of intense, I would not like it. And it can be hard to deal with someone who does this kind of thing because it's all "nice" and you don't want to be a jerk and say "please stop." I mean, I guess that's my baggage, I definitely sometimes am a people pleaser because I dislike conflict. But a lot of people are like me, and would just smile and nod through this but to themselves thing "omg this is too much." So my suggestion is that in the future with other kids' parents, maybe back off a little. Allow that other people parent differently, and may not prioritize doing all the things the way you do.