3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?

[Anonymous]

Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

[Anonymous]

Back to the birthday party. I would not invite kids who are actively being mean to your child, because if that happens at her party, there may be tears. So, I would explore more why she doesn't want to invite certain kids. And if there are not enough kids to invite, then maybe skip the party for this year.

There was a lot of friend drama for my now 21 year old daughter in college back in third grade. I think it's the beginning of being a preteen and even if L and your dd are the youngest, they may be maturing at different rates and not have the same interests anymore. Which is fine. Encourage your dd to branch out and perhaps L will find her way back into her orbit at some point in the future. Or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.

Yeah I hear that, too. She’s in a small-ish school and — idk — it’s clear who the “popular” girls are I guess? And L has joined their friend group and dd has explained it to me that they didn’t used to care about popularity but now L does. That’s what I’ve got for evidence but I do know I only have one part of the story. Just a mix of what dd has said and what I’ve noticed.

Not making excuses; just providing context. I’m reading all of these comments and doing a lot of reflecting for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.

Yeah I hear that, too. She’s in a small-ish school and — idk — it’s clear who the “popular” girls are I guess? And L has joined their friend group and dd has explained it to me that they didn’t used to care about popularity but now L does. That’s what I’ve got for evidence but I do know I only have one part of the story. Just a mix of what dd has said and what I’ve noticed.

Not making excuses; just providing context. I’m reading all of these comments and doing a lot of reflecting for sure.

I don't think it matters one way or the other. For whatever reason, she and L have drifted apart and L no longer is super interested in your daughter. Encourage your daughter to reach out to others and not sit around waiting for L, because it appears that ship has sailed. There doesn't have to be any judgment about L involved.

[Anonymous]

Counsel her to find other friends. And teach her that real friends don’t treat people this way. Tell her how awesome she is and how she deserves someone to treat her like she’s wonderful. No settling for being a friend in secret.

My daughter went through the same thing. It will be ok. Don’t contact the parents.

[Anonymous]

You need to let go of this friendship.

Look, maybe this girl will mature in a few years and they can go back to being friends but right now, this girl is treating your daughter badly. You chasing after the girl and parents sets a terrible example. Instead you need to show your daughter that she needs to focus her energy on people who are kind to her.

It sounds like you did a lot of the heavy lifting in this friendship anyway. Use that energy to set up play dates with other kids and get your daughter in activities without this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.

Yeah I hear that, too. She’s in a small-ish school and — idk — it’s clear who the “popular” girls are I guess? And L has joined their friend group and dd has explained it to me that they didn’t used to care about popularity but now L does. That’s what I’ve got for evidence but I do know I only have one part of the story. Just a mix of what dd has said and what I’ve noticed.

Not making excuses; just providing context. I’m reading all of these comments and doing a lot of reflecting for sure.

I don't think it matters one way or the other. For whatever reason, she and L have drifted apart and L no longer is super interested in your daughter. Encourage your daughter to reach out to others and not sit around waiting for L, because it appears that ship has sailed. There doesn't have to be any judgment about L involved.

This. It doesn't matter. And maybe they are the "popular" kids but this isn't necessarily happening *because* they are popular. L might have just gotten to know them through some activity or classroom assignment or something and decided she likes them. Or they're whatever kids who are willing to be her friends. Or maybe your DD is doing something that her friend finds unappealing-- I remember how a friend of mine as a kid because she was so super into horses and would even gallop around, and at a certain age I started to find that embarrassing. It's hard to know what's going on. Sometimes "popular" means extroverted and socially skilled. Sometimes it means "powerful". Sometimes it means materialistic or wealthy or beautiful or athletic or manipulative or whatever-- it's very hard to know what kids so young are thinking when they say "popular".

My DD went through this when she drifted apart from her former BFF. The BFF wanted a lot of 1:1 play and was playing in a way my DD was no longer interested in (BFF was really into pretend play about the Warriors books). My DD wanted to not be 1:1 and was over Warriors. So my DD ended up with the other girls who made room for her at their table, and who she had gotten to know because she was in a school a sport with them and her BFF chose not to do that sport. But then, after a year or so, my DD drifted away from the sporty kids and towards the musical theater kids, who are honestly just as dorky as her original BFF. It's not always a popularity thing. Friendships at this age revolve around common interests and built-in time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her L is a social climber and help her make new friends. L is not her friend.

Do not do this. Just because a kid doesn't want to be OP's DD's friend does not make them a social climber.

That is true, but L is a social climber.

That's OP's perception but she hasn't offered any evidence of that. Is OP's DD or her family low status? Are the kids L is now friends with high status? OP says that L and her DD are not "cool" but that's a totally subjective assessment and we don't know what that means.

For all we know, L and OP's DD grew apart because L is into video games and OP's DD doesn't play them, and now L hangs out with friends who play video games. Is that social climbing? No. It's just normal self selection based on interests. OP might perceive the video game kids as "cool" but that's not an objective fact.

I say this as the parent of a kid who is never "cool" because she never has mainstream interests. Or she'll acquire mainstream interests but like 6 months after all the other kids do. If a child dropped her as a friend because she still listens to K-pop Demonhunters and everyone else moved on from that in 2025, I wouldn't view the other child as being a social climber, I'd view it as the typical and fairly meaningless lemming behavior of young kids. I would not make a big deal about it with my DD and I definitely would not go labeling a kid who did that a "social climber" just because they are worried about what's cool and my DD isn't, really.

But my DD doesn't freak out about that stuff either because she has learned that sometimes other kids don't find her cool and that's okay -- there are other things to be than cool. It's not an important metric. Most of the kids trying to be cool actually aren't cool, either, btw.

Yeah I hear that, too. She’s in a small-ish school and — idk — it’s clear who the “popular” girls are I guess? And L has joined their friend group and dd has explained it to me that they didn’t used to care about popularity but now L does. That’s what I’ve got for evidence but I do know I only have one part of the story. Just a mix of what dd has said and what I’ve noticed.

Not making excuses; just providing context. I’m reading all of these comments and doing a lot of reflecting for sure.

I don't think it matters one way or the other. For whatever reason, she and L have drifted apart and L no longer is super interested in your daughter. Encourage your daughter to reach out to others and not sit around waiting for L, because it appears that ship has sailed. There doesn't have to be any judgment about L involved.

This. It doesn't matter. And maybe they are the "popular" kids but this isn't necessarily happening *because* they are popular. L might have just gotten to know them through some activity or classroom assignment or something and decided she likes them. Or they're whatever kids who are willing to be her friends. Or maybe your DD is doing something that her friend finds unappealing-- I remember how a friend of mine as a kid because she was so super into horses and would even gallop around, and at a certain age I started to find that embarrassing. It's hard to know what's going on. Sometimes "popular" means extroverted and socially skilled. Sometimes it means "powerful". Sometimes it means materialistic or wealthy or beautiful or athletic or manipulative or whatever-- it's very hard to know what kids so young are thinking when they say "popular".

My DD went through this when she drifted apart from her former BFF. The BFF wanted a lot of 1:1 play and was playing in a way my DD was no longer interested in (BFF was really into pretend play about the Warriors books). My DD wanted to not be 1:1 and was over Warriors. So my DD ended up with the other girls who made room for her at their table, and who she had gotten to know because she was in a school a sport with them and her BFF chose not to do that sport. But then, after a year or so, my DD drifted away from the sporty kids and towards the musical theater kids, who are honestly just as dorky as her original BFF. It's not always a popularity thing. Friendships at this age revolve around common interests and built-in time together.

This exactly. And this is why if you talk to child psychologists, they often caution against the idea of "best friends" for kids this age. They are in an experimentation phase. They need room to try on different activities, personalities, social groups, etc. Locking them into a 1:1 friendship can be very confining.

[Anonymous]

It's not necessarily that they can only be friends in secret. L just doesn't want OP's daughter to be her primary friend during the school day. Kids have their little routines of lunch and recess and they tend not to like a lot of disruption of the routines, because that's stressful for them. If OP's daughter is not accepting this reality, then it's going to be difficult and that's how you get the "go away".

[Anonymous]

Don't contact other parents. My 10 year old has her friends that she likes. There is a girl that used to be in her class but not anymore as she transferred to another school for AP program. This girl's parents reach often to us for playdates/sleepovers. My daughter for some reason doesn't really like her that much and often doesn't want to play with her/go to sleepovers. I feel so bad, because I don't want to tell the other parents when they text for a playdate, " Hey, my daughter doesn't want to be with your daughter for whatever reason". I hate to be in the middle of it as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I rather have no friends than fake friends.

Tell your daughter to repeat that mantra one good time when she has the biggest audience with that other girl in front of her new friends.

Tell your daughter not to acknowledge or entertain that kid when she comes alone anymore either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened at around same age for my DD. Parents were complete jerks too. In their teens, the other girl tried to pick up the friendship again. My kid was having none of it. She had a long memory for the other girl's treatment and had zero interest.

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