3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?
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Anonymous
| By phone I mean watch - I’m sure it doesn’t really matter but just clarifying! |
Anonymous
Kewl story! |
Anonymous
It is understandable your daughter would have some confused feelings here. Kid friendships can change quickly, it's true, and kids can definitely feel confused. But remember this is all developmentally normal. I have a 3rd grader and a kindergartener. In kindergarten it's not uncommon for kids to say stuff like "you're not my friend anymore" or "you can't come to my birthday party" (even if said birthday is in like 8 months), and then the next have no recollection of these comments and be back to playing again. So to some extent the "whiplash" your child is experiencing is just due to the awkwardness of the totally normal see-sawing friendships of kids combined with an increasing understanding of consequences and longer memories in relationships. It's just an awkward confusing time. However. It should not be this confusing or feel like whiplash for you. You need to cultivate the ability to float above this stuff somewhat, so that you can be the solid, steady, constant as your kid goes through this somewhat confusing time. That's your job. If you get in there and feel the same feelings of confusion and whiplash, your kid is going to feel very insecure. Instead, you have to be steady and unworried, so when she comes home from school or activities with some of these confused feelings, she knows her mom will be a solid reassurance. One thing I would work on if I were you, and also think about teaching your daughter over time, is to take a longer view on all of this. What I hear from you is a lot of reactivity to specific incidents. You saw your DD have a fun time playing with L at gymnastics and you thought "yay! they are BFFs again!" Then you saw L tell your DD to "go away" at play practice and you thought "oh no, L is mean and this friendship is over!" It is normal for your DD to think those things, but you should be taking a longer view, so that your reaction to any of these events is more like, "boy, elementary school friendships are tough, DD is really going through it with L right now." Or "given how up and down things are with L, I think we'll focus on new experiences and groups without L this summer, so DD gets a break." Like you can observe that this is hard for her, but you don't need to be feeling those things with her. Instead, be thinking at a higher level about how you can help her through this confusing time. |
Anonymous
| OP I am still kind of stuck on the idea that you think there are "popular" kids in third grade. That is not consistent with what I see in my kids' school. I know you said it is small, but still!! Pretty much all the girls in my DD's class are friends in some capacity. Pretty much all the boys, same. |
Anonymous
I think OP said "cool" not popular, which I actually find more concerning. Popularity can be an objective measure -- some kids are more well known or more well liked than others. You can observe that without making a value judgment. Most parents want their kids to be liked, I think we shouldn't pressure kids to be more well known or have a million friends because some kids are introverts. But you can be a well liked introvert, which usually means you have good social skills, and that's a positive. Coolness is totally subjective and is honestly a toxic concept that parents shouldn't reinforce. Kids will care about coolness but parents should not. Just let it go. Often the kids who are "cool" are viewed that way because they have qualities or belongings that you actively do NOT want your kid to have. They might use adult language, have phones or access to social media, etc. And they are cool because they are perceived as being more mature, but often they aren't more mature and are actually just play-acting in ways that can go wrong quite easily. Cool kids often have kind of neglectful parents or parents who are more invested in their kids being cool or seeming grown up than in parenting them. No thank you. My kid is super uncool and I'm so glad. |
Anonymous
| I sort of worry that op’s kid is overly clingy or suffocating, especially because op is over involved in kid’s school life, kid is an only child and seems to be encouraging this bff concept. I think the best thing op can do is suggest some play dates with others and take a big step back. |
Anonymous
+1, I know OP is not trying to be overbearing but lots of red flags in these comments and also the way she describes her kid (a 3rd grader saying her "roots go deep" with a friend? these kids are 9, that's too much for any friendship at that age). But it just sounds like they are/were very intense with this other girl and the girl and family understandable took a step back. Perhaps a lesson learned and OP and her kid course correct moving forward. |
Anonymous
3rd was when I started noticing a “cool” girls clique at my kids’ school. And when I started to notice some girls being excluded from that group as well. I didn’t notice it with the boys at that age, just different friendships and friend groups. “Cool”/“popular” for boys seemed to start later, like 4th-5th. I think with kids hitting puberty a little earlier these days, all this stuff that was more late elementary starts a few years earlier. |
Anonymous
This. Just because this type of dynamic might not be noticeable in some schools does not mean it’s not a thing in others. I think we’re kidding ourselves a little bit if we’re acting like we have no idea what this could look like at the elementary school level or the impact it could have on kids. Of course it’s not a healthy dynamic — OP never said that or that she was striving for that for her daughter — but it is one that exists. |
Anonymous
But I still don't get what you even mean by "cool girls clique." I have a kid in 3rd grade. She is on the shy side and doesn't have a lot of friends, though she's friendly and gets along with most kids. There are some girls in the grade who have friend groups. Often they have parents who know each other or live near each other, which facilitates stuff like frequent sleep overs and playdates. There are also some girls who I think have some extra social cache, because they are very outgoing, very pretty, have cool clothes, or get to do a lot of cool stuff (nice vacations, expensive hobbies, etc.). There is some overlap between the friend groups and the girls who have social status, but not perfect overlap. There are girls with social status who aren't part of a defined group, and there are girls who are part of a group who don't necessarily have any special status. It would be easy for me as a parent of a somewhat shy kid who doesn't belong in either of those categories to view it as us v. them. I think that's what OP has done, and thought she'd found a partner in arms in this other family. But it's not binary. My shy kid has had playdates and positive social experiences with girls in the categories above. She also has friends outside those categories. There are certainly times when she may feel excluded because, for instance, she hears about some of the girls having frequent sleepovers she's not invited to because she doesn't live on their street and their parents aren't friends with us. But that doesn't mean they are cool and she is not. It means that sometimes friendships are based on proximity and family connections and you may be left out if you don't have those things. Not a fun thing to learn but a practical piece of information. Writing these situations off as a "cool girls clique" and then making drama for your child because one of her friends dared to be friends with any of the girls in the "clique" is reductive and limiting and not really necessary. These kids are 8/9 years old. This isn't Heathers. |
Anonymous
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I have 3 kids and my youngest child just turned 9. Lots of friend shifting this year. Her two closest friends since kindergarten have drifted apart but she has made new friends and is exploring new interests.
My two older kids are now teens so I have gone through this. In high school, parents are not involved at all. Don’t text the mom. |
Anonymous
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I think it highly unlikely op’s daughter was dropped for not being”cool” enough. Some of you are really imprinting your own life issues here. Kid’s elementary school friendships are usually relationships of convenience and change a lot from year to year.
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Anonymous
OP, you seem like a great mom but it’s not great for your 8 year old to have a phone. Phones make kids more anxious and insecure. That’s not what she needs at all. |
Anonymous
My boys were always in the sporty popular group. I never even noticed the girls. Now I have an elementary daughter in third grade. I don’t know if it is a popular group but there is definitely a not nice group. Unlike the boys who were at least sporty, these girls aren’t especially sporty or pretty. They are just kind of mean. I’m not sure if they should even be called popular. |
Anonymous
| I feel your pain OP. My daughter had a friend who I poured a lot of time into because they had a great time together and the friend lived next door and was often available to play with my only child. The girl is almost 2 years older and was great when playing one on one but would cause lots of drama when other kids were around. I realized I needed better boundaries because it wasn't setting a good example by having this child over when she was not always a good friend. I talked to my daughter about what good friendships look like. We already had a good diverse group of friends but I made a much bigger effort to set up plans with them. The neighbor was so convenient but it wasn't worth it anymore. |