3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?

[Anonymous]

My kid invited a a bunch of girls she doesn’t know well to her 9th birthday and they all came and seemed to have a good time. She said funny things like “I need to invite larla because I’m having chocolate cake and she LOVES chocolate cake” or “I’m inviting Larla because once we were partners in gym and she said she loved roller skating.”

At 9, most kids seem to like b day parties without much thought about who is celebrating. I was worried kids wouldn’t want to come, but they showed up and reciprocated the invitation to their parties. Some have become closer friends.

[Anonymous]

My DD once had a "BFF" like that but it was 100% manufactured by the other girl's mom, who had decided independently the girls should be best friends and do everything together. My DD wasn't "cool" but she didn't want to me in an exclusive friendship with exactly one other person, especially since it turned out their personalities didn't mesh that well. When efforts by both DD and us to loosen the BFF grip gently (including saying explicitly that DD wanted to diversify her friend group and that it wasn't personal to the other girl, just that it was important to her and us that she have a variety of friendships and not just one BFF) didn't work, we did go kind of radio silent on her.

DD is still not in the cool friend group but I do think the other girl, and her mom, got the idea that this is what happened. In reality DD spends a lot of time on her own and will kind of hang out with anyone when the opportunity provides itself but has also learned to be independent. It's not an ideal friendship experience but she's still learning social skills.

I actually think if the other mom had not tried to force the BFF situation on the girls, they might have developed an organic friendship where they played together sometimes and were friendly outside of school, even if not always together. But the attempted social machinations wound up making my DD feel like she was being forced to into a friendship, which is not a good feeling, and the result is that she doesn't want anything to do with the other girl.

So, food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man I am so sorry, that is really awful for your DD and you! Her parents sound like real jerks to just blow you off.

My DD is also nine and this sounds like the behavior of older kids, to be honest. I'd steer your DD toward other friends. I don't think there's a good way to continue this friendship and you don't want her to learn to let people mistreat her like that!

I disagree. I stay out of my kids' drama. If L has moved on, what do you want her parents to do? Force her to be her friend? They'll probably say sorry and shrug. OP is taking this really personal, friends come and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man I am so sorry, that is really awful for your DD and you! Her parents sound like real jerks to just blow you off.

My DD is also nine and this sounds like the behavior of older kids, to be honest. I'd steer your DD toward other friends. I don't think there's a good way to continue this friendship and you don't want her to learn to let people mistreat her like that!

I disagree. I stay out of my kids' drama. If L has moved on, what do you want her parents to do? Force her to be her friend? They'll probably say sorry and shrug. OP is taking this really personal, friends come and go.

+1, if their daughter has decided she doesn't want to be friend's with OP's daughter (or doesn't want to be "best" friends), what are they going to say?

OP also sounds a little controlling. She says the other family was "disorganized" about aftercare and that OP stepped in to help them by enrolling the girls in activities and providing transportation. But what would have happened if OP had not done that? I'm guessing the other family would have figured it out. Some people are not as proactive about programming for their kids and take the path of least resistance, and if that's how they want to parent, that's fine. OP is adopting the viewpoint that the other parents were doing it wrong and OP *had* to step in and help them, but I'm betting that is not how the other family views it at all. I would bet anything that they are just more passive but figured "okay if the girls are into it and your really want to drive them around, cool." But that's very different from them actually needing, or wanting, OP's help.

OP is also not being honest with herself. She did all that because she was trying to secure a bestie for her daughter, not just out of the goodness of her heart to help another family. And now that's backfiring, as this kind of social manipulation by moms on behalf of kids often does, because kids are people with personalities and preferences and they don't just have the feelings you want because you told them to.

[Anonymous]

OP back! I do appreciate this feedback and I totally hear that my activity planning and playdate stuff might have come off as aggressive or self serving. It really didn’t come from that place (really truly I have a job where I’m available after school and they do not and their kid didn’t get into our district’s aftercare program - I was honestly trying to “be a villager” because I think it’s hard out here for everybody!). But I can see the other side for sure. This why I asked here!

I would actually be so fine if they all just wanted some space — I see here that I seem controlling or whatever but I like said I’ve always told dd to diversify friendships in case something like this happened. It’s the 180: the ghosting and the meanness (I saw the “Go away [dd]” myself when I was volunteering at an after school event).

And yes for sure I’m having a hard time with it and that’s on me; my daughter is just feeling adrift and, aside from continuing to push her to broaden her experiences and activities and circle, idk what else to do when she’s still holding on to something that I see as dissolved where she either doesn’t see it or doesn’t WANT to see it.

Thanks again, all!

[Anonymous]

One of the most important and lasting lessons that my parents taught me and that I am teaching my child is "there's no such thing as a part time friend." If someone isn't nice to you in front of others,then they aren't your friend. You can certainly have disagreements with friends but if they treat you poorly or on aregular basis or blow you off, then they aren't your friend and you should nuture other friendships. I suggest delicately re-directing your daughter towards other potential friends. It stinks, but this is a life lesson. Maybe these two will come back together at some point, but it seems this season of friendship has concluded and the longer your daughter tries to force it the more she'll get hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD once had a "BFF" like that but it was 100% manufactured by the other girl's mom, who had decided independently the girls should be best friends and do everything together. My DD wasn't "cool" but she didn't want to me in an exclusive friendship with exactly one other person, especially since it turned out their personalities didn't mesh that well. When efforts by both DD and us to loosen the BFF grip gently (including saying explicitly that DD wanted to diversify her friend group and that it wasn't personal to the other girl, just that it was important to her and us that she have a variety of friendships and not just one BFF) didn't work, we did go kind of radio silent on her.

DD is still not in the cool friend group but I do think the other girl, and her mom, got the idea that this is what happened. In reality DD spends a lot of time on her own and will kind of hang out with anyone when the opportunity provides itself but has also learned to be independent. It's not an ideal friendship experience but she's still learning social skills.

I actually think if the other mom had not tried to force the BFF situation on the girls, they might have developed an organic friendship where they played together sometimes and were friendly outside of school, even if not always together. But the attempted social machinations wound up making my DD feel like she was being forced to into a friendship, which is not a good feeling, and the result is that she doesn't want anything to do with the other girl.

So, food for thought.

You are being inconsistent. First you complain about the other parent getting involved in friendships but then you explained how you also tried to manage the friendship yourself by asking for space and then you stopped talking to them?

That seems like rude and inconsiderate behavior and if I was the other parent I would be offended and annoyed at you for not being a good friend. You never gave an example of anything the other parent did that was wrong. Wanting to be friends is not “forcing” anything. What was being forced on your DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man I am so sorry, that is really awful for your DD and you! Her parents sound like real jerks to just blow you off.

My DD is also nine and this sounds like the behavior of older kids, to be honest. I'd steer your DD toward other friends. I don't think there's a good way to continue this friendship and you don't want her to learn to let people mistreat her like that!

I disagree. I stay out of my kids' drama. If L has moved on, what do you want her parents to do? Force her to be her friend? They'll probably say sorry and shrug. OP is taking this really personal, friends come and go.

“Moving on” from a loyal friend that you have had years of sleepovers and many shared experiences with is not very nice at all. Maybe the parents should teach their kid to be inclusive and not abandon friends for greener pastures. Ignoring someone is rude even if they are not your bestie let alone if you have real history together.

[Anonymous]

My DD was on the other side of this in 6th. What happened was she had had an intense 1:1 friendship with a very sweet girl in her grade who was nearly a full year younger and kind of immature. I thought this kid was terrific though-- I'm not a fan of kids growing up too soon. I liked her parents too. But there was a built-in 11 month age gap and a maturity gap. And this kid was switching schools anyway so I encouraged my DD to diversify her friendships a bit. Over the summer my DD had sort of a maturity growth spurt and the age/maturity gap suddenly seemed like a big deal, plus some changes of interests and activities meant less time together. The kid ended up not switching schools, but my DD didn't want to resume the 1:1 BFF thing, she wanted to have this kid as one of her friends and have a friend group at lunch and recess rather than 1:1. But this kid was just not willing to accept that, so they stopped being friends. I felt really bad about this and I'm sure it was hard. I'm sure my DD didn't handle it great and neither did the other kid. But sometimes there's little a parent can do. I tried to help my DD be kind, but ultimately being 1:1 besties was not in the cards anymore.

Remember they're all kids and they all have underdeveloped social skills. As adults we are able to understand and accept that someone doesn't want to be our BFF at all times, and that friendships have an ebb and flow and it can be hard but it happens. But with kids, trouble arises when a change in friend tier happens and the kids aren't willing to accept it so they keep pushing. Because then the other kid keeps drawing the boundary and holding them at arm's length. It sounds like that's what's happening here.

[Anonymous]

Don’t reach out to the parents. Encourage your daughter to do everything she can to find other friends. Talk to her about how relationships sometimes change, which can be hard, and while that’s not anybody’s fault, people should treat each other kindly. Let her tell you her feelings about how her former friend is unkind sometimes, and talk to her about how people‘s actions tell us a lot about how they feel about us. The key thing here is for your daughter to find other friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you get really blunt messages like "Go away" when other methods of communication have failed. It's happening because your DD is persisting even though you're trying to help understand.

People say that there's no such thing as a part-time friend, but really there are different tiers of friends closeness, and different contexts for friendship. As an adult I don't expect that my friends in one context will be a friend in the same way in another context. Like how I have work friends but I would never expect them to make time for me regularly on the weekends. It doesn't mean we aren't real friends. It's just different types of friendship contexts.

There's a Lisa Damour piece about how a friend group is like a molecule, and how when kids form a stable molecule they will try to prevent it from being disrupted. Your DD, for whatever reason, is not the kind of atom that's working with the new molecule right now. It doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. It's just not a fit.

[Anonymous]

And I wouldn't go too hard on "what an awful person Larla is" either. Because they may be friends, or in the same friend group, in the future, and they're all kids and make mistakes. And OP truly does not know the whole story. Don't teach your kid to accept bad treatment, but don't put her in a situation where she has to avoid someone and never forgive them. Also she may be assigned to work with this kid in class in the future. So try to preserve your DD's ability to do that.

[Anonymous]

I would not reach out to other parents. There could be a million reasons why the friendship fall apart one day and get closer the other day. My DD is not the chatty, popular or cool type, and she does not have any close girl friendship. I always encourage her to be nice and inclusive, and it ends up some social awkward boys like to play with her because she has high tolerance of boy silly & naughty behaviors. She does not hold grudges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD once had a "BFF" like that but it was 100% manufactured by the other girl's mom, who had decided independently the girls should be best friends and do everything together. My DD wasn't "cool" but she didn't want to me in an exclusive friendship with exactly one other person, especially since it turned out their personalities didn't mesh that well. When efforts by both DD and us to loosen the BFF grip gently (including saying explicitly that DD wanted to diversify her friend group and that it wasn't personal to the other girl, just that it was important to her and us that she have a variety of friendships and not just one BFF) didn't work, we did go kind of radio silent on her.

DD is still not in the cool friend group but I do think the other girl, and her mom, got the idea that this is what happened. In reality DD spends a lot of time on her own and will kind of hang out with anyone when the opportunity provides itself but has also learned to be independent. It's not an ideal friendship experience but she's still learning social skills.

I actually think if the other mom had not tried to force the BFF situation on the girls, they might have developed an organic friendship where they played together sometimes and were friendly outside of school, even if not always together. But the attempted social machinations wound up making my DD feel like she was being forced to into a friendship, which is not a good feeling, and the result is that she doesn't want anything to do with the other girl.

So, food for thought.

You are being inconsistent. First you complain about the other parent getting involved in friendships but then you explained how you also tried to manage the friendship yourself by asking for space and then you stopped talking to them?

That seems like rude and inconsiderate behavior and if I was the other parent I would be offended and annoyed at you for not being a good friend. You never gave an example of anything the other parent did that was wrong. Wanting to be friends is not “forcing” anything. What was being forced on your DD?

Here is how kids feel forced into friendships:

Being asked every day, sometimes multiple times a day "will you play with me?" even if the child has said earlier in the day that they don't want to play.

Being told "you have to play with me because no one else will" or being accused of being mean because they declined to play.

Having the other child's parent insist on her child being placed in classes or groups with you, so you have no opportunity to take a break.

These are things the other child did, and the other parents did, that made my child feel like she had no choice in the friendship, and when we gently pushed back against it, they would all double down on it, which is why we ultimately ghosted.

Let kids pick their own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you get really blunt messages like "Go away" when other methods of communication have failed. It's happening because your DD is persisting even though you're trying to help understand.

People say that there's no such thing as a part-time friend, but really there are different tiers of friends closeness, and different contexts for friendship. As an adult I don't expect that my friends in one context will be a friend in the same way in another context. Like how I have work friends but I would never expect them to make time for me regularly on the weekends. It doesn't mean we aren't real friends. It's just different types of friendship contexts.

There's a Lisa Damour piece about how a friend group is like a molecule, and how when kids form a stable molecule they will try to prevent it from being disrupted. Your DD, for whatever reason, is not the kind of atom that's working with the new molecule right now. It doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. It's just not a fit.

This. "Go away" sounds mean but if it follows the kid saying "no thank you" or "I am going to play with a different friend today" or "I just want to play on my own today" over and over and over again, and that not being respected, then "go away" isn't mean anymore. It's clear.

Context matters a lot here, and I don't think OP has all the context.