Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP back - again with lots of gratitude. I used to live in DC and used this forum quite frequently when I was there, but it’s been a few years as I moved to the Midwest. I knew I would get a variety of perspectives here and I’m glad I posted! I know my original post wasn’t edited well and I tried to keep it brief so details and nuance were a bit lost so I’m appreciative of those who pointed out those holes. It’s important!
A little more context is in first grade, L’s mom asked for a playdate and I was like oh no! I can’t! Dd is in gymnastics tonight but maybe later! That turned into her asking me about gymnastics and signing L up for the same class. Same thing with soccer. So we grew from there and the signing up for the same classes seemed so mutual. And then I kind of slowly accumulated more of the driving responsibilities because my job is more flexible. And because the parents kept missing sign ups for things like daddy daughter dance, girls on the run, end of year stuff, etc. I just kind of reminded them about sign up dates and things coming up. So I don’t thinkkkkk too pushy on our part (including my dd since I was around a lot of their after school interactions - I definitely would have counseled her out of any obsessive behavior). Like I said they’re both onlies and both young for their grade so they had the usual used-to-getting-their-way-at-home thing, but I didn’t notice anything aggressive about their interactions, honestly.
I’m also appreciative of the feedback about the big birthday party and how it’s NOT WEIRD to do that! I think I talked her into an all the girls in the class thing at her gymnastics studio (including L - we’ll see, eh?).
I’m also trying to be careful about how I talk about the situation. Thanks all for your feedback there, as well! It’s a tough balance for sure and — like many of you pointed out — we’ve got a long road ahead of us in this regard (and many others, I’m sure!).
You said that L stopped hanging out with your DD at the beginning of this school year. Did the ghosting by the other family happen then or more recently? Also, why is this coming up now if the falling out happened so many months ago? You said you witnessed L saying "go away" to your daughter at school -- what was the context?
I am still honestly a little confused about this.
Yeah no I get it for sure. The ghosting happened at the beginning of the year and we’ve been dealing with feelings all year; dd’s upcoming birthday party was the catalyst for this post because it brought the feelings front and center (for her and for me, too!). The comment I witnessed was when I was volunteering at play practice with the rest of the grade — not a play date or anything like that.
Ok, I'm going to be honest with you: I think a lot of this is in your head. I also think your level of involvement at school and in your kid's life just sounds like a lot and may be contributing to the problem. Sometimes I find this saying dismissive but I really think it applies here: do less.
My advice to you is to let go of L and try to help your DD let go too. I would be careful about framing this as L ditching your DD for the "cool kids." First, because I am not really convinced that's what happened. And second, because I think it's a framing that is actively detrimental to your DD and is really about projecting your own insecurities (about not being cool, being an outsider) onto your DD. Don't give her that baggage. Try to stop conceiving of these kids as cool or "not cool." They are all just children figuring life out. I would frame it positively as L and your DD growing apart, and suggest to your DD that it's an opportunity to get to know other kids better.
Also, did you have a bestie at this age? Are you still friends with them? I didn't and am not still friends with anyone from elementary beyond like Facebook updates, and I have zero regrets about that. My close friends are people I made in HS, college, and my 20s, when I had a better idea of who I am and was more fully formed. The kids I played with in elementary were friends of convenience, not lifelong connections. They aren't bad people, we just outgrew each other. I'd look at your own friendship history and maybe share some of this with your DD to help put it in perspective. It is really no big deal that her bestie from K or 1st grade is no longer her friend. She has nothing but time for developing meaningful connections with other people and is really just getting started. This isn't even a set back. It's a common occurrence and ultimately willy not matter.
On the first page of this thread someone said "she won't remember this girl in 6 months." That might not be true in your DD's case if they go to school together, but I would assume that things will look very different in 6 months, especially if you encourage her to turn the page on L and branch out more.
Second, I think you need to leave L's parents alone and maybe accept that your behavior toward's her family may have been a little to much. To be frank, what you are describing would have driven me nuts. I would likely tolerate just because I wouldn't want to offend you and disrupt a friendship, but if there was a mom who was frequently texting me "reminders" about sign ups and saying "oh I'll drive them!" all the time and just being this level of intense, I would not like it. And it can be hard to deal with someone who does this kind of thing because it's all "nice" and you don't want to be a jerk and say "please stop." I mean, I guess that's my baggage, I definitely sometimes am a people pleaser because I dislike conflict. But a lot of people are like me, and would just smile and nod through this but to themselves thing "omg this is too much." So my suggestion is that in the future with other kids' parents, maybe back off a little. Allow that other people parent differently, and may not prioritize doing all the things the way you do.
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