3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?

[Anonymous]

Dd had been best friends with a girl (L) since kindergarten. L’s parents were kind of unorganized, so I took it upon myself to help L get involved in soccer, gymnastics, etc with my daughter - I even picked them up from school multiple days a week to get them to and from these activities. They were inseparable: sleepovers, matching Halloween costumes, etc. All cute stuff. Although my DH and I were the primary organizers of activities, L’s parents were always nice, responsive, appreciative, etc.

Now the thing is they weren’t “cool” - like they weren’t in the popular group (I’d say whatever that means in 3rd grade but I think we all know exactly what that means) but they were seemingly fine with it. Until this year.

At the beginning of the school year, L totally dropped my daughter to get in with that popular crowd. Now she vacillates between ignoring my daughter or being straight up mean (saying go away when my dd comes up to her and her new friends). Her parents have also become totally unresponsive: they doing reply to texts, they pulled L from a shared gymnastics class that we mutually agreed on earlier, and they act like they don’t see us when we’re in public. Just… ghosted.

Now the thing is when the cooler girls aren’t around, L is nice to dd. She did a makeup gymnastics class just last week and the two were giggling and having a great time! Now my dd is confused - she keeps thinking L is her best friend as “their roots are deep together” (her words) and she has no idea why L is treating her like this.

I don’t know what to say, either. Do I reach out to the mom and be like what’s up? Do I counsel her away from L even though she’s convinced they’re still best friends? How big of a deal is this when they’re 9, anyway? (I’m obviously crushed but can totally admit I might be blowing it out of proportion in the grand scheme of things). Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, what you did as a parent, what the outcome was, etc.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Oh man I am so sorry, that is really awful for your DD and you! Her parents sound like real jerks to just blow you off.

My DD is also nine and this sounds like the behavior of older kids, to be honest. I'd steer your DD toward other friends. I don't think there's a good way to continue this friendship and you don't want her to learn to let people mistreat her like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dd had been best friends with a girl (L) since kindergarten. L’s parents were kind of unorganized, so I took it upon myself to help L get involved in soccer, gymnastics, etc with my daughter - I even picked them up from school multiple days a week to get them to and from these activities. They were inseparable: sleepovers, matching Halloween costumes, etc. All cute stuff. Although my DH and I were the primary organizers of activities, L’s parents were always nice, responsive, appreciative, etc.

Now the thing is they weren’t “cool” - like they weren’t in the popular group (I’d say whatever that means in 3rd grade but I think we all know exactly what that means) but they were seemingly fine with it. Until this year.

At the beginning of the school year, L totally dropped my daughter to get in with that popular crowd. Now she vacillates between ignoring my daughter or being straight up mean (saying go away when my dd comes up to her and her new friends). Her parents have also become totally unresponsive: they doing reply to texts, they pulled L from a shared gymnastics class that we mutually agreed on earlier, and they act like they don’t see us when we’re in public. Just… ghosted.

Now the thing is when the cooler girls aren’t around, L is nice to dd. She did a makeup gymnastics class just last week and the two were giggling and having a great time! Now my dd is confused - she keeps thinking L is her best friend as “their roots are deep together” (her words) and she has no idea why L is treating her like this.

I don’t know what to say, either. Do I reach out to the mom and be like what’s up? Do I counsel her away from L even though she’s convinced they’re still best friends? How big of a deal is this when they’re 9, anyway? (I’m obviously crushed but can totally admit I might be blowing it out of proportion in the grand scheme of things). Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, what you did as a parent, what the outcome was, etc.

Thank you!

Ugh I’m so sorry your daughter is going through this. It’s so hard to watch.

I would try to talk to your daughter about the fluidity of friendships and that some people learn inclusion and kindness later. I would encourage her to be kind but also perhaps give space to her friend if she’s being hurtful to your daughter.

You could try texting the parents and approaching with curiosity rather than accusations. Are you sure there wasn’t something that happened that maybe you or your daughter didn’t realize? That would have been a catalyst?

If there needs to be a break remind your daughter that things can change and there may be a time they come back together. Allow space for that in case it does happen (it happened to my daughter).

It’s a hard life lesson but one you can try to teach her to both approach with kindness and self respect. Try to remove your emotions from it as hard (or near impossible) that may be.

[Anonymous]

Teach DD to be friends with proper who are nice to her all the time and in front of others. People tell us and show us who they are by their actions. Believe them.

[Anonymous]

She won't remember that kid in 6months

[Anonymous]

I think you have good advice. I would personally not reach out to the parents. You can’t force friendships, and it sounds like you already have a read on the situation.

I think giving space and focusing on different friendships is good advice for your daughter. It’s also very possible the bff’s new friends don’t last, and she and your dd pick up where they left off. Bff is just a kid - we all make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Same thing happened at around same age for my DD. Parents were complete jerks too. In their teens, the other girl tried to pick up the friendship again. My kid was having none of it. She had a long memory for the other girl's treatment and had zero interest.

[Anonymous]

I would assume you don't have all the information.

It is normal for kids' relationships to be in flux at this stage.

I would also caution against "best friends" or emphasizing the idea of best friends to kids this age. In fact I would actually wonder if the emphasis on being BFFs might be part of the problem here. That's why I think you likely don't know everything.

Encouraging a variety of friendships in various parts of life is the healthiest way for kids this age to learn how friendships work. I think it's especially unhealthy that the girls have been pushed to do all the same activities. It means they never get a break from each other. It may prevent them both from making other friends, which they should both be doing. And it has nothing to do with coolness. It has to do with expanding horizons and getting to know different kinds of people.

It sounds to me like the other family is seeking to create a bit of space. Maybe the other parents know more about some aspects of the "best friendship" that might not be so healthy for the girls. It would be better if they'd just say that, but who knows what your dynamic is -- have they tried to gently turn down some of your arrangements in the past? Did you respect that or push past it? If the latter, they may not have felt like opening up a dialogue about the girls because they may not have felt you would be receptive.

Anyway, you are correct that you are making a much bigger deal out of this than it is. Support your daughter in her feelings, which are valid, and then encourage her to be open to other friendships. These girls may also find their way back to each other. But let *them* choose it. Not you. Stop micromanaging your daughter's social life.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter in that situation, many years ago. It sucks and it hurts, and I think you should just be honest with her that this is not how a good friend acts, that it hurts and that's okay, and that she can and will and should find better friends. Please do not contact the other parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here; thank you everybody for your thoughtful feedback! I think just getting it out there helped me take a bit of a breath.

The feelings just got intensified today as dd and I were talking about planning her birthday party for next month. Usually a happy occasion, she seems just a bit lost on where she fits in with friendships, who to invite, etc. She’s an only child and is on the younger side of her grade (as is L) and I think she thinks the other girls have it figured out while she doesn’t. She has just been adrift this whole year and is worried other girls she invites to her birthday party would think it’s weird since they’re not super close. (Obviously I tell her no - what a fun opportunity to get a bunch of girls together to do something fun! She doesn’t believe me).

I’ve been beating the drum of diversifying friendships for years and to be wary of putting all of her eggs in one basket. She just… prefers one on one interactions to big groups, so the friendship worked out well for them both (until it didn’t, obviously!). She’s involved in other things - Girls on the Run, club soccer, etc. - but she has a hard time prioritizing connecting with others more deeply because she’s kind of waiting for L to come back?

I also totally understand I don’t have the whole story, so I appreciate that feedback as well. L had a tough kindergarten year and my dd befriended her during that time - they both seemed so into each other and the parents needed help with aftercare, etc. I was just trying to be nice and follow the girls’ lead, and everything felt super reciprocated by all parties until, again obviously, it wasn’t.

Again thanks all for your feedback. I’ll refrain from reaching out to mom (I’ve started a text so many times but have held off - thank you; I’m sure that’s what I needed to hear) and continue to navigate tricky friend stuff alongside her. I know in the grand scheme of things what happens at 9 is a blip on the radar — this has just felt like such a huge blip that’s left dd very discombobulated and unsettled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what to say, either. Do I reach out to the mom and be like what’s up? Do I counsel her away from L even though she’s convinced they’re still best friends? How big of a deal is this when they’re 9, anyway? (I’m obviously crushed but can totally admit I might be blowing it out of proportion in the grand scheme of things). Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, what you did as a parent, what the outcome was, etc.

This, OP. Help her branch out. Keep telling her the other girls don't have it figured out, even if it looks like it. Help her to get better at observing the kids in her grade at class, lunch and recess. This will help her figure out who to invite.

[Anonymous]

DD needs to focus on the kids who DO want to play with her. No matter who is around.

Roots die sometimes. And definitely don't reach out to the parents - you know exactly what's going on, you just don't like it. Have her invite girls from her running and gymnastics and such to her birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone else- help her build new friendships. Ask the teacher who'd be a good fit for playdates and start there, but try to facilitate relationships with multiple kids. Bonus if she can find different friends in different settings (neighborhood friends, school friends, soccer friends, church friends, etc).
My DD didn't quite have the same situation, but similar. Basically the close friend wanted to own DD and punish her through mean comments, threats, etc. if DD played with other kids. Aside from helping her branch out and build other friendships, some of which she already had but we just needed to help her spend more time with those other kids, we also read books and talked a lot about what makes a good friend and that the choice is hers who to associate with/ no need to spend time with people who make you feel small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD needs to focus on the kids who DO want to play with her. No matter who is around.

Roots die sometimes. And definitely don't reach out to the parents - you know exactly what's going on, you just don't like it. Have her invite girls from her running and gymnastics and such to her birthday party.

Good advice but I disagree that OP knows exactly what is going on -- she doesn't. She's making an assumption that the girl and her parents are pulling away to be with the "cool kids." That's a subjective interpretation that may or may not be true.

[Anonymous]

Would your daughter be excited by a special trip instead of a bday party? We took my kids to Great Wolf Lodge one year and let them do all the extras they wanted. They were very happy!