3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rather have no friends than fake friends.

Tell your daughter to repeat that mantra one good time when she has the biggest audience with that other girl in front of her new friends.

Tell your daughter not to acknowledge or entertain that kid when she comes alone anymore either

That kind of behavior will put other kids off from being friends with OP's DD.

Being friends with someone does not mean you have to spend 100% of your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Some of you need to resolve your own issues from being rejected by friends, whether as kids or adults.

The goal of the parent should be to provide perspective and defuse the intensity of the feelings, not to join your kid in the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She won't remember that kid in 6months

I'm in my 50s and I still occasionally think about my best friend who dumped me in 3rd grade. I never found out why. She truly broke my little heart.

[Anonymous]

As always, another cautionary tale about getting too enmeshed.

Disagree all you want, but people should stop trying to get their kids' friends to sign up for the same activities. You always need that buffer. A common theme in all these tales of kids getting dropped like a hot potato by their "best friend since fetushood" is that the kids are too enmeshed for too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you need to resolve your own issues from being rejected by friends, whether as kids or adults.

The goal of the parent should be to provide perspective and defuse the intensity of the feelings, not to join your kid in the drama.

Agree, learning coping skills is very important. Not everyone in life is going to like you as much as you like them.

[Anonymous]

I had a best friend from when I was in preschool through now. We started in the same family group (moms were in a friend group). But from first grade we were in different friend groups until almost high school. Since then, we’ve have one friend group in common, but the rest have all been separate.

We never got angry at each other for being who we are. As kids sometimes she wanted to play with other kids or spend time alone and vice versa. As young adults, she moved away from a shared apartment to another city. When she was crabby, I gave her space and vice versa.

I don’t think long lasting friendships can work if one person in a relationship decides things have to be a certain way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I rather have no friends than fake friends.

Tell your daughter to repeat that mantra one good time when she has the biggest audience with that other girl in front of her new friends.

Tell your daughter not to acknowledge or entertain that kid when she comes alone anymore either

That kind of behavior will put other kids off from being friends with OP's DD.

Being friends with someone does not mean you have to spend 100% of your time with them.

That’s fine. She really doesn’t need fake friends.

And you are right, she also doesn’t need to do every single activity with the same kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I teach fourth grade. If I were you, I'd reach out to the teacher and ask what they've observed and if they have any advice on new friendships you could help nurture. I would be more than happy to share my observations with a parent in this kind of situation. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I rather have no friends than fake friends.

Tell your daughter to repeat that mantra one good time when she has the biggest audience with that other girl in front of her new friends.

Tell your daughter not to acknowledge or entertain that kid when she comes alone anymore either

That kind of behavior will put other kids off from being friends with OP's DD.

Being friends with someone does not mean you have to spend 100% of your time with them.

That’s fine. She really doesn’t need fake friends.

And you are right, she also doesn’t need to do every single activity with the same kid.

Which is also why the other girl doesn't need to do every single thing with OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As always, another cautionary tale about getting too enmeshed.

Disagree all you want, but people should stop trying to get their kids' friends to sign up for the same activities. You always need that buffer. A common theme in all these tales of kids getting dropped like a hot potato by their "best friend since fetushood" is that the kids are too enmeshed for too long.

Totally this. Kids need some space to grow into themselves. If they feel like entire families' friendships and logistics are contingent upon their compliance with a friendship they are no longer enjoying, it'll go badly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As always, another cautionary tale about getting too enmeshed.

Disagree all you want, but people should stop trying to get their kids' friends to sign up for the same activities. You always need that buffer. A common theme in all these tales of kids getting dropped like a hot potato by their "best friend since fetushood" is that the kids are too enmeshed for too long.

Totally this. Kids need some space to grow into themselves. If they feel like entire families' friendships and logistics are contingent upon their compliance with a friendship they are no longer enjoying, it'll go badly

Definitely agree. My own son had a “best friend” that I pushed on him in kindergarten because it was Covid and the mom actually allowed play dates, hallelujah! They grew apart in first grade, ignored each other for years and now in fifth grade they are actual organic “best friends”. I stayed friendly with the mom the whole time but we accepted whatever the kids wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As always, another cautionary tale about getting too enmeshed.

Disagree all you want, but people should stop trying to get their kids' friends to sign up for the same activities. You always need that buffer. A common theme in all these tales of kids getting dropped like a hot potato by their "best friend since fetushood" is that the kids are too enmeshed for too long.

Agree. People want their kids to have a "best friend" who does all the same activities because it's easier and more comfortable for parents. It's easier. But kids actually do better when they have to learn to navigate social situation without a buddy, and have a variety of friends with different personalities and interests.

Like what is your plan? Your kids go to college together? Choose the same career? At some point your child will have to learn to navigate situations without their BFF, it's better this happens in 3rd grade than in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

Focus on other friends! I have always been a little wary of my kids putting every ounce of free time into ONE FRIEND only. The best friend narrative is sold pretty hard, but honestly having a group of friends is much better for kids.

So start making plans with other kids from class. Not just one of them, but several. Give your daughter options besides L. She and L might stay friends, but it's clear L needs a break, for whatever reason. It doesn't really matter what the reason is. So help redirect your daughter to new kids and friends.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you make that hometown home

[Anonymous]

OP back and I appreciate everyone weighing in. I swear I didn’t try to be enmeshed or overbearing or too involved or whatever - but I can see there is a flip side where lots of people could read it as just that. Fair!

For what it’s worth I haven’t texted the parents since the veryyyy beginning of the school year when I got the hint like week 2 - it’s not like I’ve been trying all year or anything. My daughter hasn’t tried to play or anything either. L just showed up to her gymnastics class a week or so ago and they had a great time, and now L is texting her phone and is seemingly nice one on one.

So just a bit of whiplash and lots of confused feelings!!